Note: English is not my native language, please let me know about grammar, and typo so that I can edit the post, and everyone can better understand what I’m trying to say. Note 2: I thought a lot before creating this post. But an important person for me committed suicide today, and I decided to talk.
I don't know how relevant this may be, as some people may have depression or live with others that have some mental disorder, but I've waited five years to write something like that.
I won't go into the details, because this post will already be long enough and may compromise some people's privacy, but in 2014 an influential person in a Christian religion accused me of occult practice, based on social networking photos of me reading and get together with people for something related to "Cthulhu." In quick research, the person saw that "Cthulhu" is a cosmic entity worshiped by cultists who perform rituals and sacrifices to them. He forgot the part where it's just fiction and accused me of occult practice. I live in a country town and the people here are Christians. My wife and I are Christians.
I lost my job, and some people walked away from me, but there was always someone on the prowl trying to prove that I practiced some occult. Out of a job, I devoted myself entirely to producing RPG content in Brazil and in English (for Fate Core, DCC RPG, and SS&SS) to pay the bills and bought food while trying a new job that never came. Some close friends and some publishers from Brazil know how many times I had to ask for money and advance to meet basic needs (buying food, for example). What hurt most was that I had dependents (my wife and some cats). I had depression and carried it with me until it began to affect my work with RPG production as the pressure of being watched continued.
So to take their eyes off of my adult role-playing work, I created a children's role-playing game called Gatos Espaciais (Space Cats). I did it because I had no money left to care for my kittens (and I would NEVER abandon them) and I would use the money to care for my animals and donations to NGOs. Also, I did it because it is a child theme, and the religious persecution cloud diminishes. These are the links do the projects:
Gatos Espaciais (first crowdfunding): https://www.catarse.me/gatosespaciais
Gatos Espaciais (second crowdfunding): https://www.catarse.me/gatosespaciaisnovo
Gatos Espaciais (third crowdfunding and printed edition): https://www.catarse.me/gatosjogo
Space Cats (I tried to release the English edition): https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/space-cats-children-s-role-playing-game/
This is my Instagram account where I post my art and talk about my life as a freelancer: https://www.instagram.com/imfabiosilva/
Then I started having panic attacks. I changed my phone number, created a pseudonym and new email almost every time I had a crisis, thinking someone was stalking me and would accuse me again in an attempt to ruin my life. I have eight facebook accounts, four Twitter accounts, six Instagram accounts, and sixteen emails. Throughout these five years, I have had numerous phone chips with different numbers. I did it because I'm a fan of Allan Poe, Lovecraft, and Call of Cthulhu. I wanted to continue to brainstorm, play online and set up my weekly tables with the few people I knew I could trust my life with. This has strengthened my friendship with influential people in RPG in Brazil, but also abroad.
It was five years of fighting depression, panic, and despair until I lost everything that I built for 14 years — my marriage. Things like this make you irrational. And it's at a time like this that if you don't have the right people around you, you do something irreversible. Sometimes it is not because you are suffering over the years that you make a terrible decision such as suicide. Sometimes it's because of those 10 seconds you saw or heard something that put you down.
Today the sister of a friend committed suicide, perhaps not only because she suffered over the years, but because she didn't have what she needed to hold on for another 10 seconds before making the decision. Maybe a little action would be enough. Another five seconds and perhaps she had given up and stayed alive.
With all this, I saw that everything needs its time. There is a time for war and a time for peace. I went through a war that lasted five years, I still fight, but today it is calm down. I lost a lot of things in this war, but I won it too. I have lost friendships and the trust of many people, including relatives, friends, and customers, and I know I won't have them back. I lost my marriage — but my ex-wife and I are great friends. But I gained new friends and new customers as well. A new life. It was enough for me to hold another 10 seconds and want to continue.
I had a chance to go to a big RPG event here in Brazil and talked a lot about Lovecraft and Call of Cthulhu with a lot of people. I made many friends at the event. I made many friends on the internet, in social networking groups. I met the amazing people from Brazilian RPG youtube channels, blogs, and sites, and we kept in touch over the net. I met about two dozen other people, and we talked a lot about RPG. They are all amazing. The release of Call of Cthulhu 7th in Brazil has strengthened my friendship with many other ones.
I never had anything original from Call of Cthulhu because of this whole situation. I didn't want to risk anyone seeing my books and having to sell them (or burn them) in an emergency (I had to do this three times with some of my role-playing books). I also had no money, as I have no job (Brazil is a problematic country in this manner). I always bought the PDFs and printed them in my own home.
This slipcase on photos was produced by Chaosium exclusively for the 7th edition Kickstarter. Only those who supported the Kickstarter in 2013 received it. It’s no longer sold. Some friends helped me get a sealed copy. These are my first original printed CoC books. The first of many, I hope. Chaosium is amazing.
Today I want to extend my writing work to CoC as well. I want to write scenarios for the Miskatonic Repository. I want to do some illustrations too (although I am a child artist hahaha). And I will do.
I have lost many things over the years in this war. But I won too. And I still win. It was worth not giving up. If you have thought of giving up, don't do it. Give life another chance. If you know someone who wants to give up, don't let that happen.
There is a time for peace.