jongjom Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 Page 46 "Later, the son of Storm Bull named Waha the Butcher successfully led others in dispersing the remaining parts of the Devil’s body." "the son" or "a son"? Maybe better presented as: "Later, Waha the Butcher, son of Storm Bull, successfully led others in dispersing the remaining parts of the Devil’s body." Page 47 "Some had followed lesser spirits or dark gods, but Waha taught them new" is this meant to mean: "Some had followed lesser spirits or Darkness Gods, but Waha taught them new" ? Page 47 "Vadrus was [in]famous among the Yelm cultists because he was such a determined enemy of the Sky Gods". Infamous looks more accurate? Page 47 "grew larger and colder until it conquered much of the northern world in the later Storm Age." Page 48 "Others then followed his path, and all who are related to him have the curse, or the blessing, _of_ Death as a result." Page 49 "His friends are all battle companions, such as Humakt and Storm Bull." Page 50 "He is tested and bested." I'm a bit lost here: is he being bested / defeated here or not? Page 50 in agreement with Martin and the Guide "The constellation of ten yellow stars" were described as 'orange stars' (Guide page 734). But in disagreement with Martin the Guide does not have the Orlanth's Ring appearing in 1622... "The next week, Orlanth’s Ring still did not emerge from the Stormgate." (page 731), but in 1624 (end of first column, page 732). If so, can you please correct The Eleven Light Martin, if you still editing that document? Page 50 They are: Courage[comma] Wisdom[comma] Generosity[comma] Justice[comma] Honor[comma] and Piety. Page 50 "only once, and then to very good effect" ...good...? maybe "notable" ? Page 55 "tangle of Boggles loose at Yelm’s feast," - the Guide has them as Boggles and boggles. The Sourcebook has boggles (four times) and Boggles (once) Page 55 "worked, though no new spells came to light from" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M Helsdon Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 Just corrected one of my earlier comments: Page 74: the mystjhs are full of tales - should be - the myths are full of tales Almost half way through the document... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jongjom Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 Throughout the document there is sometimes Great Darkness sometimes Greater Darkness. Can this be made consistently "Greater Darkness". However, both these terms are used in the Guide Page 60 "Wakboth’s ways for their selfish ends (such as Vivamort, God of Unlife) " add clarity for newcomers Page 62 "the River Styx (Edzaroun) heard of Vivamort’s betrayal and swore" consistent with the earlier mention of that god's name Page 62 "in a [d]iaspora continent wide." It's not a noun? If capitalised it appears to apply specifically to Jewish history?? Page 64 "While she was on this Heroquest, powerful enemy " should it be Godquest ? Page 68 "In Hell, then, Yelm the Emperor and Orlanth the King came to terms." Page 70 "mortals alike, carrying them to the formless [V]oid." Page 110 "Winter Wastes and borders on the [V]oid." And maybe Page 12 "dragon-powers manifested themselves in [T]he [V]oid" "suggests that [T]he [V]oid is a state of bliss which" And maybe Page 13 "Empty [V]oid, lay the Power of Disorder." Also on...Page 29, 59, 62 (Martin motioned this last one too) "[V]oid." change 'void' here too? Page 71 "regularity between [L]ight and Darkness, Life and Death" Page 72 "entropy of Chaos into the living world is agreed" Page 73 "The nature deities, when worshiped, are impersonal forces, almost beyond communication." Are you saying something like: "The nature deities are impersonal forces, almost beyond communication, when worshiped by the Pantheistic method." ? Or is this something to do with the "The Naturalistic approach"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M Helsdon Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 General: apostrophes vary between ' and ‘ Page 70: ST – usually given as S.T. [General comment] Page 70: formless void – should be - formless Void [General comment] Page 70: the chaos – possibly – the Chaos Page 70: Gbaji Wars that concluded the Dawn Age, as detailed later – suggest – detailed in another chapter? This may relate to a chronology in the original source, which is not in this document Page 71: between light and Darkness – should be – Light and Darkness Page 72: 6. (Sacred Time) – seems to be a tab between 6. and (Sacred Time). Formatting is poor. Page 72: sun – often given as Sun [General comment] Page 72: young gods – should be – Young Gods Page 72: Chaos in-to the living world – should be - Chaos into the living world Page 73: Dragon Kings of Kralorela – should be - Dragon Emperors of Kralorela Page 73: people have a faith, knowledged - might be - people have a faith, knowledge Page 73: They were not terrible skilled – should be - They were not terribly skilled Page 73: or elemental rights – should be – or elemental rites – or perhaps - or Elemental rites Page 73: where the Orlanthi of Dragon Pass – might be - whern the Orlanthi of Dragon Pass Page 74: Great deities could have many devout followers to follow their cult – might be - Great deities would have many devout followers to follow their cult [Not certain what this is attempting to say] Page 74: the mystjhs are full of tales - should be - the myths are full of tales [Correction from earlier assumption] Page 74: a mischevious deity named Raven - should be - a mischievous deity named Raven Page 74: sun god, underworld – both should have capital letters Page 74: liberated the subjects – should be - liberated their subjects Page 74: burned in spectacular song – not certain what this should say, possibly - burned in a spectacular song Page 74: was a wild card – might be – is a wild card [Tense varies throughout the document] Page 74: the dieties could impose upon history - should be - the deities could impose upon history Page 75: The Red Moon quickly filled the breaking of the Carmanian pantheon – what is this attempting to say? Page 75: Such are the vaguaries of history - should be - Such are the vagaries of history Page 75: become design background – should be - become a design background – or perhaps - become a part of the background design Page 75: never lets a poor man starve – should be - never let a poor man starve Page 75: Harrek will desert his realm to come to the aid of his friend Argrath and fight the Lunar Empire that he always hated – if the set start date is post 1621 hasn’t this happened? Harrek is in Dragon Pass from at least 1624? Page 76: He is the Highest Priest for the cult – might be - He is the Highest Priest of the cult Page 76: defense of Whiteall against the Lunar Empire - should be - defense of Whitewall against the Lunar Empire Page 76: first great trolls – should be – first Great Trolls Page 76: between life and death – might be - between Life and Death Page 77: will was reality – should be – will is reality Page 77: He could be approached – should be - He can be approached Page 77: Godtime - should be - God Time Page 78: 12 meters / He is 150 meters tall – aren’t imperial measurements now the standard? Page 78: coming to Balazar in the end – should be - coming to Balazar at the end Page 79: -- as her tree fares – should only be one dash Page 79: most red elves lack only size – as Green elves are given a capital letter so should Red elves Page 79: and elsewhere: green should be Green, brown should be Brown etc. Page 79: landclearing farmers - should be - land-clearing farmers Page 80: which exterminated all humans in 1120 – should be – which exterminated all humans in Dragon Pass in 1120 Page 80: Creasted Dragonewt - should be - Crested Dragonewt Page 81: which is found locally, imported from the Holy Country and Dagori Inkarth – contradictory statement Page 81: than any humans can hurl them – might be - than any human can hurl them Page 81: They have atrophied wing-like appendages – Page 80 says: they have vestigial arms, not wings [Suggest the description of demi-birds be in only one place] Page 81: Then in 1044 – Guide says 1042 Page 81: In 1539 the Dragonewts Dream began, and ended two years later – Guide says it ended in 1540. Page 81: active in human affairs onece again - should be - active in human affairs once again Page 81: Godtime - should be - God Time Page 81: dwarfs – normal usage is dwarves [General comment] Page 82: Godtime - should be - God Time Page 83: storm god – should be – Storm God [General comment, probably made before…] Page 83: Mostal siezed the immortal nail - should be - Mostal seized the immortal nail RESUME at Page 84 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M Helsdon Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 (edited) 4 hours ago, jongjom said: Page 50 in agreement with Martin and the Guide "The constellation of ten yellow stars" were described as 'orange stars' (Guide page 734). But in disagreement with Martin the Guide does not have the Orlanth's Ring appearing in 1622... "The next week, Orlanth’s Ring still did not emerge from the Stormgate." (page 731), but in 1624 (end of first column, page 732). If so, can you please correct The Eleven Light Martin, if you still editing that document? I can pass the comment on - The Eleven Lights is in layout and final edit so there may be time... Ah. Checking the text, there isn't a problem: TEL refers to the Three New Stars in the sky, where Orlanth’s Ring should be, following a major PC Heroquest, and the stars follow the path Orlanth’s Ring would. My mistake. However, this should be mentioned in the Sourcebook. New comment: Page 50: and ended in 1624 – The Coming Storm/The Eleven Lights has the Three New Stars appear in 1622 and follow the path of Orlanth’s Ring. This should be mentioned. Edited November 20, 2016 by M Helsdon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jongjom Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 Page 74 "forests, burned in spectacular song, with milder" is 'song' the right word here? Page 74 "The overrun of the Empire of the Wyrms Friends and the Third Council was an eradication of the Dragon powers from men, and the mysterious Dragonewts Dream leaves great questions about what the draconic plan might be." Long, winding and difficult to understand sentence. Do you mean: "The overreach of the Empire of the Wyrms Friends and the Third Council led to the eradication of the Dragon powers from men (1042)[full stop] That and the more recent (1539-1540) mysterious Dragonewts Dream leaves great questions about what the next draconic plan might be" ? Page 74 "the God of the Silver Feet" (as is in the Guide) Page 75 and General: Hero(es) or hero(es) ? Page 78 "us that such change in the world is coming soon." currently reads cor_ning soon, please let it not become a corny world Page 79 and elsewhere; do you mean to use " -- " Page 79 "Some woodlands withheld." Page 79 "Sometimes the woods defended themselves valiantly, but the Aldryami role in the Great Darkness was primarily defensive." Doesn't read well, IMHO. Page 79 "across Glorantha, trailed by brightening greenery[comma] flowers, and awakening elves." Page 80 "various forms of dragonewt are different stages of development, but this is unproved." They don't always grow, but do develop Page 80 "Demi-birds are feathered, beaked, and lay eggs, but their bones are solid and they have vestigial arms, not wings." Yet on Page 81: "They have atrophied wing-like appendages and two extremely powerful legs" So which one is it? Page 81 "Then in 1042, as human enemies marched upon the fortified crust of the decaying Empire Without Friends," The Guide has 1042 when the "Leaders of Empire of the Wyrms Friends exterminated overnight," (page 137) Page 81 "There followed about a century and a half without human contact at all." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jongjom Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 41 minutes ago, M Helsdon said: Page 81: In 1539 the Dragonewts Dream began, and ended two years later – Guide says it ended in 1540. True but The Guide also has the text: In 1539, the Dragonewts Dream began, and ended two years later. (page 73). But this might mean starts at the very beginning of 1539 and finished the very end 1540. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M Helsdon Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 (edited) 3 hours ago, jongjom said: True but The Guide also has the text: In 1539, the Dragonewts Dream began, and ended two years later. (page 73). But this might mean starts at the very beginning of 1539 and finished the very end 1540. True, but it seems a weird statement. Just noticed that a proofreader is credited on the first page... Will continue the exercise tomorrow. This is very intensive, and personally I can only read fifteen to twenty pages at a time before concentration starts to waver. Until yesterday I was giving myself the incentive of watching an episode of GoT each night as a reward. Now finished the latest season... Edited November 20, 2016 by M Helsdon 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M Helsdon Posted November 20, 2016 Share Posted November 20, 2016 (edited) General: some dates are suffixed with S.T., some are not. Please standardize. Page 84: lack of touch – suggest – lack of sensation Page 84: earth goddess – should be – Earth Goddess [General comment] Page 84: The dwarfs inherited the realms of the vanished Mostali – imprecise, as dwarfs has been used to refer to older dwarfs so suggest - The Clay dwarves inherited the realms of the vanished Mostali Page 84: goddess of death – possibly – Goddess of Death [General comment] Page 84: the material about dwarves worshipping deities other than Mostal conflicts with other descriptions. Perhaps this suspect text is written by a non-dwarf? Page 84: Some fell to chaos – should be – Some fell to Chaos [General comment] Page 85: elder races – should be – Elder Races [General comment] Page 85: out on the experiment – might be - out of the experiment Page 85: The dwarfs of the west – should be – The dwarves of the West [general comments] Page 85: Heroplane – is this still a canonical term? Page 86: Belskan – should be – Belksan Page 86: purged of individuals – should be - purged of Individualism Page 86: Empire of the Wyrm’s Friends - should be - Empire of the Wyrms Friends Page 86: secretly overground - should be - secretly over-ground Page 86: The Uz names for troll types are duplicated in successive paragraphs. Page 86: Godtime - should be - God Time Page 86: A mistress race – should be - A Mistress Race [General comment] RESUME at Page 87 Edited November 20, 2016 by M Helsdon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M Helsdon Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 (edited) General: dark troll – should be – Dark Troll General: great troll should be – Great Troll General: Surface World or surface world? Both appear, often in proximity. Believe former should be used. Page 87: deities of darkness – should be – Deities of Darkness – or – deities of Darkness Page 87: Their name in their Underworld birthplace is a secret – previous page gives uzuz but perhaps their original name was something else Page 87: which hithertofor had dwelt securely - should be - hitherto for – or – hitherto [Prefer the latter] Page 88: Their departure revealed a thinly populated revealed a region thinly populated by indigenous tribes previously enslaved by the nomads – should be - Their departure revealed a region thinly populated by indigenous tribes previously enslaved by the nomads Page 89: Chaos god – should be – Chaos God [General comment] chaos on the same page should be Chaos Page 89: Humaktsson and Humaktson both appear on this page… Page 89: enlightment and experience - should be - enlightenment and experience Page 90: received her apotheosis by and as Arachne Solara – meaning (intentionally?) unclear Page 90: cursed to their entry – might be – their entry was cursed Page 90: population southward downwards the extensive ruins of Pavis – Pavis is to the east! And this sentence is incomplete. Suggest - population eastwards to the extensive ruins of Pavis Page 90: Dark Esroliawas thrown down - should be - Dark Esrolia was thrown down Page 90: As human occupied the Pass – should be - As humans occupied the Pass Page 90: Lunar worship was accepted by some trolls at that time – is this still canonical? Page 91: blank page Page 92: sun-worshipping horse nomads and the Storm worshipping First Council – might be - Sun-worshipping horse nomads and the Storm-worshipping First Council – or – Sun worshipping horse nomads and the Storm worshipping First Council Page 92: ancient even before time began – should be - ancient even before Time began Page 92: Central Peloria gave birth to the theistic way of life – should be - Central Genertela gave birth to the theistic way of life. Page 92: sun-worshipping – twice - see comment above Page 92: The west remained godless – should be - The West remained godless [general comment – but with care] Page 92: and away to determine – should be - and a way to determine Page 93: to be named Osentalka-the Perfect One – should be - to be named Osentalka - the Perfect One Page 93: The year 374 was critical for Glorantha – the Guide says the Sunstop occurred in 375! Page 93: None one knows – should be – No one knows Page 93: Sun Stop and Sunstop both used here. Should be the latter [Do not do a global edit] Page 93: birth of Nsalor - should be - birth of Nysalor Page 93: god of light – might be – God of Light Page 94: against foreign centers of power - might be – against the foreign centers of power Page 95: (who suffered the tragic Trollkin Curse from Nysalor and the dragonewts (who had been humbled and forced into servitude) – missing bracket. Should be - (who suffered the tragic Trollkin Curse from Nysalor) and the dragonewts (who had been humbled and forced into servitude) Page 95: They also provided him important details about his magical sword – should be - They also provided him with important details about his magical sword Page 95: Arkat and a western army – as per earlier comment – Western Page 95: Snake Pipe Hollow – should be – Snakepipe Hollow Page 95: By relentless corrupting himself – should be - By relentlessly corrupting himself Page 95: become the Destroyer he saught to eradicate - should be - become the Destroyer he sought to eradicate Page 95: many of the greatest still surviving – might be - many of the greatest heroes still surviving [Hmm, Hero and hero appear throughout the document…] Page 96: The two accompanying texts show some examples of their thinking and cast further light upon some of the mysteries of Chaos – the ‘accompanying texts’ are not present here. Suggest this sentence be deleted or the texts inserted. Page 96: god learners – should be – God Learners [General comment] RESUME at Page 98 Edited November 23, 2016 by M Helsdon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M Helsdon Posted November 21, 2016 Share Posted November 21, 2016 (edited) Afraid didn't get through much more today. Page 98: The Third Age – very little given about the world beyond Peloria and Dragon Pass, in contrast to earlier chapters. Page 98: In Peloria, the tired eastern satraps – if this is referring to Carmanian satrapies then it requires expansion: the Carmanian Empire conquered Dara Happa in 1173. Page 98: kingdom of Carmania – empire of Carmania? Page 98: old gods – should be – Old Gods [General comment Pages 133, 164 because throughout the rest of this chapter Old Gods is used] Page 98: chaotic gods – should be – Chaotic Gods Page 99: casing stars down – should be – calling stars down Page 100: Irenstos Theogony collection – might be useful if this name were used on page 11 where Irenstos and his Theogony is briefly mentioned. Page 100: celestial and Underworld powers – suggest – Celestial and Underworld powers Page 100: rebel gods – should be – Rebel Gods [Usage elsewhere] Page 100: GERRA is the Dying Moon – this is duplicated at the end of the section. Suggest maintaining the structure of the other paragraphs. Page 101: to maintain the order of the Moon’s phases, ULURDA should precede NATHA? Page 102: EWF – suggest Empire of the Wyrms Friends as newcomers may not recognize the acronym – it is defined on page 88. Page 102: Kralorela, East Isles – should be - Kralorela, the East Isles Page 103: the RED EMPEROR is given capital letters in the second paragraph about him. Suggest this should be in the first paragraph. Page 105 ie. – should be i.e. Page 105: betrayed by his wife and brother.1 – should be - betrayed by his wife and brother.1 [General Comment: this goes for all the other annotation numbers throughout the text] Page 105: Arimdalla the Silver Lord – should be - Arimadalla the Silver Lord Page 105: In 719, - rest of the sentence missing. Perhaps it should say: In 719, Arimadalla the Silver Lord, and his God Learner allies killed Narensaval, the warrior priest of Irensaval, and drove out the defeated rebel general Syranthir Forefront and his army. Page 105: "pauper farmers" 2 – should be - "pauper farmers"2 [Note in addition to being a superscript numeric, there is an extra space that should be removed. Page 105: no mention of the Carmanians fighting and defeating the Spolite Empire? Page 105: aiding in the disposal of humans and dragonewts of Dragon Pass many years later [disposal meaning defeat?] Page 105 and other pages: Urox – named elsewhere as Storm Bull. This Orlanthi name for Storm Bull should be mentioned on page 46. Newcomers to Glorantha won’t know that Urox is Storm Bull. Page 106: and collapsed under pressure – suggest – and collapsed RESUME at Page 106 Edited November 21, 2016 by M Helsdon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M Helsdon Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 (edited) Slow progress - because almost every name has to be checked... Page 106: The Seven Mothers were: - this information has already been given in greater detail. Why is it repeated here, other than it was in the Wyrms Footnotes original? Page 106: Carmanian war god (Humakt) during – might be - Carmanian war god, Humakt, during Page 106: Spol noblemen – Spol had been long conquered by the Carmanians – suspect this should be – Carmanian noblemen I also wonder if Rinliddi was really outside the Carmanian Empire at this time, as the Third Age Guide map, page 140, shows the early Lunar realm inside the Carmanian Empire. If so, the description on this page about the Rinliddi political landscape is suspect. Page 107: loyal allies through the whole period of the Goddess’ stay on earth – given that she almost immediately went off on a Godquest, this wouldn’t be very long! Suggest this be modified. Page 108: crimson bat – should be – Crimson Bat Page 108: established of as the center – should be - established as the center Page 108: intercept at Raibanth – should be - intercept her at Raibanth Page 109: Carantes – should be – Karantes [General comment – also page 120] Page 109: Elz-ast – should be – Elz Ast Page 109: In 0/21 – should be – In 0/21 (1241) Page 109: bringers of Life – might be – Bringers of Life Page 109: by the Carmanian Exile – probably – by the Carmanian Exiles Page 110: War god – should be – War God [General comment] war god etc. Page 110: Altae – should be – Altinae Page 110: void – should be – Void [General comment, probably made already, but some occurrences of the word are not the Void] Page 111: son of the moon – might be – Son of the Moon Page 111: Hidden Green – should be – Hidden Greens Page 111: the City of Rose-Colored Glass in the Far East – no, it is in Teshnos, the East, but not the Far East Page 112: ‘natural‘ - should be ‘natural’ Page 112: and honoured him - should be - and honored him Page 112: was reknowened - should be - was renowned Page 113: Oronin Sultanate – should be – Oronin Satrapy Page 113: passage north of Elzast - should be - passage north of Elz Ast Page 114: this was Char-un – should be – this was a Char-un Page 114: The Guide goes into more detail about how Panishi was cheated by the Red Emperor Page 114: in 1/32 – should be - in 1/32 (1279) Page 114: whom had been – should be – who had been Page 114: they erupted into a war in when – should be - they erupted into a war when Page 114: a previous subject state – should be - a previously subject state Page 114: Colonies were planted at Rist – would make more sense as – Lunar colonies were planted at Rist Page 115: set upon by the Sultan’s guards – should be - set upon by the Satrap’s guards Page 115: Poralister River – should be - Poralistor River Page 115: Upper Poralister – should be - Upper Poralistor Page 116: earth spirits – probably – Earth spirits Page 116: Empire as a Sultanate – should be – Empire as a Satrapy Page 116: sometimes called Jillaro of the Prince’s Green - elsewhere given as Jillaro-of-the-Prince’s Green. RESUME at page 117 Edited November 22, 2016 by M Helsdon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M Helsdon Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 In a response to my question, Rob Heinsoo has indicated that there's about a week to comment on the Gloranthan Sourcebook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M Helsdon Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 General: " should be “ and ” throughout. General: wane – should be – Wane [Note: not universally as wane is not always used as a Lunar Wane] General: demi-god or demigod? Both used in the document. Page 117: constructed a beautiful statue of the Sultaness - Satrapess? In the Guide this text says Conquering Daughter. Page 117: Hwarin-Ong Satrapal clan – the Guide gives: Hwarin-ony clan Page 117: The Sultanate of Sylila – should be - The Satrapy of Sylila Page 117: horse peoples – should be – Horse Peoples Page 118: reinforced Alkoth and helped prevent a second sack of the city – no first sack of Alkoth is mentioned; Yuthuppa was sacked. Page 118: been killed or driven out - should be - been killed or driven out. Page 118: Thunder River – probably – Thunder Delta – but possibly – Oslir River? Page 118: who gained strength – should be – which gained strength Page 118: called Holvburg (entered in 3/29), Starvdyke (3/33), and Norri’s Hill (founded 3/41) – should be - called Holvburg (entered in 3/29, 1384 S.T.), Starvdyke (3/33, 1389 S.T.), and Norri’s Hill (founded 3/41, 1396 S.T.). Page 118: nomads’ to summon – should be - nomads to summon Page 118: The child of this union was named Yara Aranis – Page 103 identifies her mother as Gorgorma - may be the same as the nomads’ Goddess of Tormented Death but if not might be worth mentioning in an introduction the lack of Gloranthan absolutes? Page 118: might mention that Good Shore is also called Vernkor? Page 118: and even caused a quarter of his followers – might be – and she even caused a quarter of his followers Page 118: Lunar front – might be – Lunar border Page 119: Sylila sent a secret army into Alkoth which surprised the nomads there and drove them out – the fall of Alkoth is not mentioned? Page 119: Gardens of Carresh – in the Guide named – Gardens of Karresh Page 120: Mad Sultinate - should be - Mad Sultanate Page 120: passed their way over the Kartolin Pass – should be – crossed over the Kartolin Pass Page 120: ravenkaaz – should be - ravenkaaz Page 120: city of Carantes – should be - city of Karantes Page 121: even the mighty Thunder River – the Oslir River? Page 122: In 5/2 – should be – In 5/2 (1465 S.T.) Page 122: Gambari – should be – Ganbarri Page 122: unlike (say) – suggest just – unlike Page 122: storm god – should be Storm God [General comment] Page 122: floating Staff – should be – floating staff Page 122: Usually, each of the five Gloranthan elemental pantheons is given a day to celebrate their particular rites, and usually in the traditional Order of Creation: darkness, sea, earth, sky, and air – should be - Usually, each of the five Gloranthan Elemental pantheons is given a day to celebrate their particular rites, and usually in the traditional Order of Creation: Darkness, Sea, Earth, Sky, and Air. Page 122: smack of God-learning – should be - smack of God Learning. Page 123: Sacred time – should be – Sacred Time Page 123: daughter of Sandene, a washer woman - Page 120 says he was married to a weaving woman Page 124: Hon-eel is plainly peaceful demigoddess – should be - Hon-eel is plainly a peaceful demigoddess Page 124: In 5/2 (1466) – Guide says 1465 Page 124: future sultanate of Oraya – should be - future satrapy of Oraya Page 124: horse-peoples – should be Horse Peoples Page 125: Godtime - should be - God Time Page 125: hell – should be – Hell [General comment] Page 125: Yelm –- the – should be – Yelm – the Page 125: Prince Phornostes – should be - Prince Phoronestes Page 126: Syndic’s ban in the west – should be – Syndic’s Ban in the west Page 126: Prince Phornostes – should be - Prince Phoronestes – and shouldn’t he be – King Phoronestes Page 127: Closing of the seas – should be – Closing of the Seas Page 127: High Archpriest of Loskalm – should be - High Watcher of Loskalm Page 127: moon boats – should be – Moon Boats Page 127: expanionist policies - should be expansionist policies Page 127: which had just occured - should be - which had just occurred RESUME at page 128 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noita Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 Great work guys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jongjom Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 On 20/11/2016 at 6:06 AM, Jeff said: Thanks guys. I'll get these into the document. I've been working on the Wane maps. Jeff can you please pre-post the document in the usual place once you have done the corrections? It'll then be easier to see what's been done and not double check the great work Martin has been doing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M Helsdon Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 8 hours ago, jongjom said: Jeff can you please pre-post the document in the usual place once you have done the corrections? It'll then be easier to see what's been done and not double check the great work Martin has been doing. I only have about five hours a day to review the document at present, and because of having to check every name that's about twenty pages a day. Hope to have this pass complete towards the end of the week... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M Helsdon Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 (edited) Page 128: demigods interferred - should be demigods interfered Page 128: 1/49 – should be - 1/49 (1296 S.T.) [Or whatever format is adopted for ST) Page 128: had begotten a special demon – there’s more than one Tax Demon Page 129: Rastar-inning – should be - Rastari-ining [Guide pages 295, 311] Page 129: Syllila - should be – Sylila Page 129: Yanariao-ilart - should be - Yanoriao-ilart? Page 129: Finally, in 6/12 (1529), he was forced to change bodies after an assassin from the Jenet-aror family forced him to evacuate his gross form – This same page and the Guide says: In 6/10 (1527), the Taran-il seized control of First Blessed after a long Dart Competition against the Jenet-aror. The Red Emperor decided that the Taran-il clan proved their lawful title to that the satrapy after the Tax Demons did not touch them despite their usurpation. The Jenet-aror assassinated the Red Emperor but the clan was executed for treason when the Emperor returned. So the 6/12 (1529) should be – 6/10 (1527) Page 129: Palashee Long-Axe – should be – Palashee Longaxe Page 129: Philigos was acclaimed king of Tarsh by the Earthshaker – should be – Palashee was acclaimed king of Tarsh by the Earthshaker Page 130: Fort-Two Candles – should be – Forty-Two Candles Page 130: against this descrecration - should be - against this desecration Page 130: Gbjai Faces - should be Gbaji Faces Page 130: their own satisfication - should be - their own satisfaction Page 130: He had planned back then to come and recover it now – might be - He had planned back then to come and recover them now Page 130: This one survivor was a terrible loss for the barbarians, for it was Phargentes, the heroic younger brother to the murdered Prince – should be - This one survivor was a terrible loss for the barbarians, for it was Phargentes, the heroic younger brother to the murdered King. Page 130: also not clear here when Philigos died – KoS says in the battle, but in this propaganda perhaps at the peace parley? Page 131: Celestine games – should be - Celestine Games Page 131: them. 20 – should be - them.20 Page 131: The Seventh Wane opened to new heights – might be - The Seventh Wane opened with new heights Page 131: and the familes that have the rights - should be and the families that have the rights Page 131: outsife of Raibanth - should be - outside of Raibanth Page 132: Tharkalist familes - should be Tharkalist families Page 132: Valare Addi as an ancestor and they rule the satrapy of Karasal – The Guide says Karasal is ruled by the Rastari-ining family. The Guide does not mention the Valar-telsor family. Page 132: of Sartar, went south – should be - of Sartar went south Page 132: In 7/31 (1602), Jar-eel led the storming of the barbarian citadel – as the date is mentioned several times in close succession this would read better as – She led the storming of the barbarian citadel RESUME at Page 133 Edited November 23, 2016 by M Helsdon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M Helsdon Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 (edited) General: Pass or pass when referring to Dragon Pass (without the Dragon)? Both forms are widely used. Page 111: until she reached the Upper Air – The Guide says the Red Goddess and Orlanth war for control over the Middle Air. Page 133: prevented lessers - ? perhaps – prevented lesser advisors Page 133: Talastar and Sylila – probably okay. Guide says - Lakrene and Sylila Page 133: King Hakon of Talastar – Hakon was king of the Bilini, not all of Talastar. Page 133: and left her bearing his child – should be - which left her bearing his child Page 133: the Empire – usually just – the empire [General comment] Page 133: An attempt by the rebels to take Yuthuppa was defeated in 7/53 (1625) by Jar-eel, but events soon after prevented her from delivering justice to those rebels – suggest – An attempt by the rebels to take Yuthuppa was defeated in 7/53 (1625) by Jar-eel, but events soon after prevented her from delivering justice to them Page 134: Steal Woods – Hendrikiland? Page 134: Battle of Amber Fields – Lunar name for the Battle of the Auroch Hills? It would be useful for an annotation to this effect. Page 134: Battle of Milran – Lunar name for the Battle of Pennel. It would be useful for an annotation to this effect. Page 134: Red-Haired Tribe – should be – Red Hair Tribe Page 135: called the King of Wings – should be - called the King of the Wings Page 135: Lunar Army – usually in this document – Lunar army [General comment] Page 136: Cosmic Compromise that bound the world together – perhaps - Cosmic Compromise that binds the world together Page 136: The text of Cragspider’s Prophecy should be in italics Page 136: with the moonlight radiance of Jar-eel – perhaps - with the moonlit radiance of Jar-eel Page 136: Dragonewt – usually dragonewt [General comment] Page 137: draconic indifference . - should be - draconic indifference. Page 137: hiding in their stronghomes - possibly strongholds? Page 138: of the creature. Creatures included centaurs – suggest - of the creature. They included centaurs Page 138: Ironhoof was born at ths time - should be - Ironhoof was born at this time Page 138: which are made – as one is lost – which were made Page 138: where their interested were involved – should be - where their interests were involved Page 138: Kajak-ab the Braineater – in the Guide - Kajak-Ab Braineater Page 138: Vamargic Eye-Necklace – in the Guide - Vamargic Eye-necklace Page 140: Silve Age – should be – Silver Age Page 140: was fierce intense – perhaps – was fiercely intense Page 140: Thus most Pentants - should be - Thus most Pentans Page 140: animal nomads – should be – Animal Nomads [General comment] Page 140: fight the darkness – should be – fight the Darkness Page 140: was adoped - should be - was adopted Page 140: The Pure Horse poem should be in italics. Page 141: This swordman returned - should be - This swordsman returned [Swordman is his name.] Page 141: turtleshell - possibly - turtle-shell Page 141: These individuals on the Other Side compete for magical powers – suggest - These individuals compete on the Other Side for magical powers Page 141: but strengthened by their participation – should be - but been strengthened by their participation Page 141: their losses at the Dragonkill War – should be - their losses in the Dragonkill War RESUME at Page 142 Edited November 23, 2016 by M Helsdon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M Helsdon Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 Not much free time today. Hope to continue tonight. Page 142: mostly the race – should be - mostly of the race Page 142: Aldryrami – should be – Aldryami Page 142: was of enough quality – suggest – was of sufficient quality Page 143: Calf-wool Stands – A pre-publication version of the Guide said Calfwool Stands, but the published Guide says Cafol. Page 143: as a conquerer - should be - as a conqueror RESUME at page 144 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M Helsdon Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 (edited) Page 144: animal nomads – should be – Animal Nomads Page 144: Yaandros - should be – Yarandros Page 144: Derik Pol-joni – should be - Derik Pol-Joni Page 144: Sartar of Bullshill, founded – should be – Sartar of Bullshill founded Page 144: Pass’s – based on usage elsewhere should be - Pass’ Page 144: Dwarf Hills – is this the correct name? Page 145: and out of the Grazelanders history – probably - and out of the Grazelanders’ history Page 145: vendref – should be in italics Page 146: and in 1570 – should probably be – and in 1470 Page 146: In 1594 – probably - In 1494 [But see below – may be 1495] Page 146: She died in 1568 – possibly - 1565 Page 146: she became Feathered Horse Queen in 1568 – probably - she became Feathered Horse Queen in 1565 [There seems confusion regarding the end and start dates of the second and third Feathered Horse Queens, which spreads into the section about Sartar.] Page 146: Sartar Ernalsorsson – King of Sartar names his father as Ernalsar, so his name should be - Sartar Ernalsarsson Page 147: In the Sacred Time at the start of 1495, Sartar wed the queen – the previous page says they wed in 1594 – which I believe is really 1494, or maybe two digits have been transposed? Page 147: Dainty princessess - should be - Dainty princesses Page 147: culsists - should be - cultists Page 147: seven hells – possibly – Seven Hells Page 148: Kana-telsor – given in King of Sartar as - Kana-Telsor [Name appears twice here] Page 148: and the fifteen king of Tarsh – should be - and the fifteenth king of Tarsh Page 148: and he is still in office – suggest – and is still on the throne Page 149: The princes of Boldhome continued to rule in the path set by the Founder – almost duplicates a statement on the previous page. Page 149: For the next five years there appeared phantasmal dragonewts – the Dragonewts Dream lasted only two years? Page 149: result of this five-year dream – ditto Page 149: daughter of the the tragic couple - should be - daughter of the tragic couple Page 149: The city, however, was too far to – should be - The city, however, was too far away to Page 150: and the Beast Men – should be - and the Beastmen Page 150: was the new home to the Tarsh Exile – should be - was the new home for the Tarsh Exile Page 150: after a fleet was sunk by the Kralori in 1588 – should be - after a fleet was sunk by the Kralori in 1587 [The news reached the Holy Country in 1588 according to the Guide] Page 151: dinosaur. Salinarg – should be an extra line Page 151: daughter of Onesilin – should be - daughter of Onelisin Page 151: The Holy Country prospered under Belintar guidance – should be - The Holy Country prospered under Belintar’s guidance Page 152: the Malkioni overlords – might be - their Malkioni overlords Page 152: after a fleet was sunk by the Kralori in 1588 – should be - after a fleet was sunk by the Kralori in 1587 Page 152: She had 23 children (8 women, 15 males) – should be - She had 23 children (8 female, 15 male) Page 152: old. Bruva – should be an extra line Page 152: (great-granddaughter of Bruvala through grandfather) – might be - (great-granddaughter of Bruvala through Bruvala's son, Imarjira's grandfather) Page 153: but her lovers included – should be - but her lovers include [She isn’t dead yet…] Page 153: Argrath of Pavis – possibly – Argrath of Sartar RESUME at Page 153 Edited November 25, 2016 by M Helsdon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jajagappa Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 (edited) 5 hours ago, M Helsdon said: Page 152: (great-granddaughter of Bruvala through grandfather) – might be - (great-granddaughter of Bruvala by her grandfather) That ends up sounding like it's through Bruvala's grandfather. The intent is to indicate she is the great-granddaughter of Bruvala through Bruvala's son, Imarjira's grandfather. Edited November 25, 2016 by jajagappa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M Helsdon Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 (edited) 5 hours ago, jajagappa said: That ends up sounding like it's through Bruvala's grandfather. The intent is to indicate she is the great-granddaughter of Bruvala through Bruvala's son, Imarjira's grandfather. The original is ambiguous. I couldn't tell what the original wording was saying. I did consider using 'via' instead of 'by' but then decided that didn't sound sufficiently genealogical. After three hours of slogging through the document last night by the end I was starting to get very worn down. Will amend to: Page 152: (great-granddaughter of Bruvala through grandfather) – might be - (great-granddaughter of Bruvala through Bruvala's son, Imarjira's grandfather) Edited November 25, 2016 by M Helsdon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M Helsdon Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 (edited) This morning's batch. Page 151: Jostisan of Karse – should be - Jotisan of Karse Page 153: were-wolf – should be – werewolf Page 153: Together they had a son and a daughter – according to Page 148 they only had a daughter: With the first, Harsta Orindori, he was the father of Pharandros; with the second, the Feathered Horse Queen, he had a daughter. Page 153: resist the chaos foe – should be - resist the Chaos foe [General comment, probably made before] Page 153: at the Battle of Moonbroth – given when this is being written, might this be - at the First Battle of Moonbroth Page 154: and was made Governor-General – suggest - and he was made Governor-General RESUME at page 155 Edited November 25, 2016 by M Helsdon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Mohrfield Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 (edited) The Law rune is missing from the list of runes on pages 5-8. Edited November 25, 2016 by Mark Mohrfield Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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