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Page 155: Large chunk of material duplicating information already given: Jar-eel is the daughter and Fourth Inspiration of the Red Emperor. She is the living incarnation of the Red Goddess in the material world, just as her ancestress Hon-eel the Artess was. She leads the mystic warrior discipline known as the Moonsword cult, and is worshiped by them in turn.

Page 155: rebel gods – should be – Rebel Gods [Usage elsewhere]

Page 155: He was reincarnation – should be - He was a reincarnation

Page 155: and the emperor – should be - and the Emperor

Page 155: its home in Lunar Hell – should be - its home in a Lunar Hell

Page 155: who then put his kinsman Tatius the Bright, dean of the Lunar Field School of Magic and leader of the imperial Assiday family, as commander of the siege – should be - who then put his kinsman Tatius the Bright, dean of the Lunar Field School of Magic and leader of the imperial Assiday family, in command of the siege

Page 156: When the final Lunar assault came in winter 1621 – should be - When the final Lunar assault came in the winter of 1621

Page 156: Halcyon var Enkoth – in Griffin Mountain - Halcyon Var Enkoth

Page 156: and the opportunity to join into the official festival – should be - and the opportunity to join the official festival

Page 157: and considerable area beyond – should be - and a considerable area beyond

Page 157: After the Battle of Auroch Hills – should be - After the Battle of the Auroch Hills

Page 157: spear men – should be – spearmen

Page 157: of the Old Earth – should be - of the Old Earth Alliance

General: Red Earth – should often be – Red Earth Alliance

General: Old Earth – should often be – Old Earth Alliance

Page 157: Lunar Army – (several times) is usually Lunar army.

Page 158: cooperative remnants of the Holy Country led by King Broyan – might be – cooperative remnants of the Holy Country armies led by King Broyan

Page 158: Queen Samastina claims sacral rights not asserted since the Storm Age – this seems out of place in a description of the city and perhaps should be moved to the end of the preceding section.

Page 158: after brushing aside the Lunar army at Moonbroth – suggest – after brushing aside the Lunar army in the Second Battle of Moonbroth

Page 159: moon-loyal – should be – Moon-loyal

Page 159: brightest full stage – should be – brightest full phase

Page 159: folks of Orlanth’s Ring – reads oddly; suggest – ten trespassers portraying Orlanth’s Ring

Page 160: Empire of Wyrms Friends – should be - Empire of the Wyrms Friends

Page 160: Others stars – should be - Other stars

Page 160: defensive war in against the King of the Wings – should be - defensive war against the King of the Wings

Page 160: despite his jealously – should be - despite his jealousy

Page 160: Jadentin the Avenger – in KoS - Jadetin the Avenger

Page 160: Reaches Furthest – on page 146 and KoS - Reaches All

Page 161: Much of the introductory Kallyr Starbrow duplicates much of the material on page 151.

Page 161: son of Jarolor – should be – son of Jarolar

Page 161: Short Lightbringers’ Quest – in KoS – Short Lightbringers’ Pilgrimage

Page 161: Lightbringers Quest – should be Lightbringers’ Quest [or Pilgrimage?]

Page 161: Phargantites – should be - Phargentites

Page 161: The Sartarites were outnumbered but held a good position – duplicates previous paragraph

Page 161: Leika Blackspear – or - Leika Black Spear [Both appear on this page. I suspect the latter is correct]

Page 161: Farandar Red Cow – if this is the major NPC in The Coming Storm his name is Farandar Orendalsson

Page 162: devouring scorpions – possibly – devouring scorpion men

RESUME at Page 162

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Page 162: giant’s cradle – might be – Giant’s Cradle [General comment – in other books cradle is given a capital letter.]

Page 162: After he received the gift of the Dragon’s Teeth, Argrath defended the giant’s cradle against the Lunars and accompanied it far to sea where he met the Wolf Pirates – suggest - After he received the gift of the Dragon’s Teeth, Argrath defended the giant’s cradle against the Lunars in 1621 and accompanied it far to sea where he met the Wolf Pirates. [The previous paragraph refers to 1626, so either there should be a date here, or the paragraphs should be reordered.]

Page 162: Argrath aided the purple people – should be - Argrath aided the Purple People

Page 162: the bat-people – should be – the Bat People

Page 162: Three-step Isles – should be - Three Step Isles [Usual form is Three Step Islands]

Page 163: Yanioth Two-sight – should be - Yanioth Two-Sight – or Page 75 should be in the same format as the name here.

Page 163: Onelisin cat-witch – should be - Onelisin Cat-Witch

Page 163: Jarolor – should be – Jarolar

Page 163: upon the man – might be – upon him

Page 164: The Sartar Magical Union was the most extraordinary innovation of Argrath’s - suggest - The Sartar Magical Union was Argrath's most extraordinary innovation

Page 164: Each regiments of the Sartar Magical Union - should be - Each regiment of the Sartar Magical Union

Page 164: old gods – might be – Old Gods

Page 165: down its wyter – should be - down its wyter

Page 165: which allowed them to fight trolls – suggest - which allows them to fight trolls

Page 166: The Stormwalkers were a mixed band of men and demigods who live at the Old Wind Temple and are devoted to the storm god Orlanth - variations in tense. Should be - The Stormwalkers are a mixed band of men and demigods who live at the Old Wind Temple and are devoted to the storm god Orlanth

Page 166: pledged loyalty to Argrath – might be - pledged their loyalty to Argrath

Page 166: their participants – possibly – the participants

Page 166: through the oversoul of the participants – ‘participants’ just used, suggest - through the wyter of the warlocks

Page 166: The Wasps were a species of giant insects – should be - The Wasps are a species of giant insect

 

·         A Chronology covering events 1528-1628 would be very useful.

·         An Index would be very useful. An index seed would require a clean Word version of the document, and, based on experience of KoS, Arcane Lore, etc. would take about thirty hours to generate.

Edited by M Helsdon
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The History of Dragon Pass chapter by Amstalli of Nochet is perhaps intended to be a collection of documents.

Page 136: Suggest the introduction ends with a statement along the lines of:

In answer to your request, gracious Queen, I have selected a number of scrolls from the shelves of the Great Library, amended and notated as necessary, for your perusal.

Page 152: The entries for Hendira and Samastina are very objective. Considering the intended in-world audience suggest:

Hendira (1610 to 1622). Born 1580 to House Norinel. Granddaughter of Norina and daughter-in-law of Valinalda. She recklessly sought an alliance with the Lunar Empire after the disappearance of Belintar. At her behest a Lunar Temple was built in our great city and foreign troops marched upon the sacred stones of our streets. Rumor has it that she took a Lunar general as a lover. So offended were the goddesses, the priestesses, and the people that her misrule led to civil war. She was rightfully ejected from the throne in 1622, and died in 1624, aged 44.

Samastina (1622 to present). Born 1603 to House Delaeos. Daughter of Marilaina (and great-granddaughter of Imarjira – also the niece of Hendira). By the blessings of Ernalda she was chosen to ascend to the rule of our city, to heal the wounds inflicted by her aunt. She has taken no husband as yet, but her lovers have included Broyan of Whitewall and Argrath of Sartar.

Page 163: Suggest at the end something like:

Thus are accounted the origins and events of the feud between the realm of Sartar and the Lunar Empire. As my Queen is aware, this struggle reprises the ancient feud between Sun and Storm for the body of the Earth, for the Moon has all but eclipsed the Sun in the North and ever seeks the dominance of the Middle Air. Now the Great Compromise is weakened and the gods are disturbed, even as their agents and agencies contest for the future of the world. Mighty heroes are gathering as ancient powers stir. And behind the scenes we can perhaps perceive the shadowy machinations of other powers best left unnamed.

Your faithful servant, Amstalli of Nochet

 

Edited by M Helsdon
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Page 82 Change jolanti to Jolanti and nilmergs to Nilmergs as per the Guide

Page 82 Change "and only the rare truestone fragment retains any of" "and only the rare Truestone fragments retain any of"

Page 83 "Mostal himself had his legendary Laboratory within the Spike" assuming it's being named here

Page 83 Change Ratslaff to Ratslaf as per the Guide. Also make this change on Page 15 and Page 17

Page 83 "At one point, Umath and his sons set their muscles to work and tore the groaning sky from its place, thrusting it away from the earth" But the Guide has: "Umath’s first recorded activity was to demand a realm of his own to be equal to those of his parents." It feels like that's how Umath entered the world, although I appreciate all myth are true.

 

 

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Page 83 "They melted Mostali in their own pots and drank them." Done by Trolls?! When did trolls take up cooking?

Page 84 "Diamond Dwarfs" [twice] called "Diamondwarves" in the Guide

Page 85 uses "gained the lofty status of Heresy," but it's "heresy" in the Guide and in the rest of the document

Page 85 "for it passed out of favor among the majority everyplace except" maybe everywhere rather than "everyplace"

Page 85 to Page 86 is difficult to follow:

Page 85 "The Greatway dwarfs, still smarting from their former treatment, declared the Nidan Decamony to be criminally insane, and then sent money and power to the Octamonist leaders there." Where is "there"? Nida? If so why did they send them money and power after just calling them insane?

Page 86 "The survivors were purged of individuals, new" maybe instead: "The survivors were purged of Individualists, new"

Page 86 Missing is the heresy "Vegetarianism" even though it is listed earlier on page 81

Page 86 "During this period there was continued trouble" Also this section appears not in continuity with "Individualism". Suggest putting a header here? Dwarf Heresy Since Second Age  - or something less wieldy OR have a better introduction to this paragraph to signal what your now talking about (???the history of ALL heresies since the Second Age in Dragon Pass???)

Page 86 "and would agree to send some dwarves and arms to" - hardly going to send unreliable men!

Page 86 "Nothing good occurred when the dwarf’s attempted to send three armies secretly against the Greatway alliance." Change "the dwarf’s attempted" to "the Decamony attempted" assuming that's what is meant: it is very difficult to make sense of it otherwise

Page 86 "The Uz (popularly called trolls) are a subterranean race that spilled onto the surface world when Yelm’s light chased them from the Underworld." Or maybe better still: "The Uz (popularly called trolls) are an Underworld race that spilled onto the surface world when Yelm’s light chased them from their ancestral home they called  Wonderhome."

Page 86 They call themselves Uz. I think the reader gets that?

Page 86  Several types of trolls exist and may live together in one community.

Page 86 "Social status is determined by an individual’s type, sex, and power." You need to emphasise this from an early stage.

Page 86 "They are socially matriarchal, and" change to "Society is strongly matriarchal, and " Something else to emphasise this from an early stage, and it gets rid of a sentence starting "They are"

Page 86  "under great magical circumstances." emphasise and clarity

Page 87 "The trolls sprung and leapt from just such an origin," they are not an imitation, just like a child is not an imitation of their parent? And it gives them a trollish vibe

Page 87 "In Wonderhome the Mistress Race " - if you use the above change

Page 87 "Grandfather Mortal was king of the Mistress Race." Says who!!!

Page 87 "using secret pathways to reach the surface world." change to "using secret paths and routes to reach the surface world." - some left by boat

Page 87 "Most of the creatures which survived this at all were changed horribly, and are the ancestors of those creatures which humans know as Cave Trolls." Bollocks. It was when the trolls met, and lost some battles to Chaos were Cave Trolls created.

Page 87 "of the fight against the invading Chaos, often unsupported or opposed by humans." clarity

Page 88 "from the Eternal Torch which" just the Torch in the Guide, although it does have the undying Torch.

Edited by jongjom
Added two more

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18 minutes ago, jongjom said:

Page 83 "They melted Mostali in their own pots and drank them." Done by Trolls?! When did trolls take up cooking?

This is from the Guide, page 81.

However, much of the material seems to derive from ancient articles in Wyrms Footnotes, Different Worlds and other places, which are often not easy to find.

Of the typos I have detected, at least one or two percent seem to be scanning errors, whilst others are because spellings have changed since the original material was written. Similarly, (for example) the material in the Sourcebook relating to Mostali religions (as previously noted) contradicts material in the Guide because it reflects articles written in the 1980s.

Am pleased you are finding errors I didn't because every reviewer looks for and spots slightly different things. I'm in two minds about doing a second pass.

Edited by M Helsdon

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54 minutes ago, M Helsdon said:

This is from the Guide, page 81.

However, much of the material seems to derive from ancient articles in Wyrms Footnotes, Different Worlds and other places, which are often not easy to find.

Of the typos I have detected, at least one or two percent seem to be scanning errors, whilst others are because spellings have changed since the original material was written. Similarly, (for example) the material in the Sourcebook relating to Mostali religions (as previously noted) contradicts material in the Guide because it reflects articles written in the 1980s.

Am pleased you are finding errors I didn't because every reviewer looks for and spots slightly different things. I'm in two minds about doing a second pass.

Looks like I missed some stuff in the Guide: until you pointed it out now!

I'm surprised the amount of errors: the material that contradicts the Guide. Odd, given the authors.

But knowing what you've looked for helps as it frees me up to go for different things. Pity they cannot send out an amended version. That would help too.

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Page 88

"It is in the land called Shadows Dance, which gets its name from the presence of the Castle of Lead. It is said that there are too many shadows in those mountains, and that sometimes they do not flee from the light before them. Again, there are strange lights occasionally freed from the Eternal Torch which flare across the sky, making even the most physical darkness flee before it, dancing in frightened rout across the rocky crags."

It was better described in the Guide:

Maybe from the two sources:

"It is in the land called Shadows Dance, which gets its name from spirits of shadow and other grey entities that live in mountain valleys, hilltops, and hollows. They defy daylight until spirits of light from the Torch, in the east, makes even the almost physical darkness flee before it, dancing in frightened rout across the rocky crags. This movement of light and shadow across the land is what gives it its distinctive name, Shadows Dance."

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54 minutes ago, jongjom said:

I'm surprised the amount of errors: the material that contradicts the Guide. Odd, given the authors.

Not really. There are no absolutes in Glorantha, and even the Guide contains (intentional) contradictions. I know this because I identified and reported some during the review process and was told they wouldn't be changed because they weren't mistakes.

56 minutes ago, jongjom said:

But knowing what you've looked for helps as it frees me up to go for different things. Pity they cannot send out an amended version. That would help too.

Based on my experience of working on other documents, making the changes which are accepted won't be a simple or quick task. We are talking almost as much effort as required to identify and report things (which in my case is around forty hours).

Some of the apparent discontinuities can be 'fixed' by making almost all of the Glorantha Sourcebook in-world documents written by Lhankor Mhy, Buserian or Irrippi Ontor sages.

Hepherones’ Statement of Magic, The Xeotam Dialogues, The Redline History of the Lunar Empire and The History of Dragon Pass are already in-world documents to a greater or lesser degree, and all appear to contain intentional inaccuracies, based on the subjective perspective of the author. This has advantages: it gives a 'get out of jail free' card when someone complains that the material contradicts another source, it demonstrates that Truth in Glorantha is elusive, and it provides information on the beliefs and bias of the 'author'. The resulting 'rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty' make Glorantha more 'real' than other fantasy worlds.

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Page 88 "The Broken Council got its name when the dark trolls, Orlanthi, and dragonewts both deserted the impending magical rituals of the Council."

Page 89 "The trolls left because Kyger Litor, their Creatrix" [capital - name]

Page 89  "The Orlanthi of Dragon Pass followed"

Page 89  "and even Dragon Pass fell after the Battle of Night and Day in 379." (Guide: page 132)

Page 89  "The Trollkin Curse is in their children"

Page 89 "Warriors slain could not be replaced, and the powerful army was over half trollkin when it was defeated in battle by the Broken Council around 397." How can that be, they've only just come into existence!!??

Maybe just: "Warriors slain could not be replaced, and the powerful army was over half trollkin when it was later to suffer defeats in battle."

Page 89 "He led a crusade for 75 years by the" maybe "He led a campaign for 75 years by the"   We are getting away from the medieval vibe & crusades?

Page 89 "broke the superhero’s wounds again," maybe "broke the demigod's wounds again,"

Page 89 "who were jealous of their own ocean ancestors, and did not wish to worship the other sea spirits and deities."

Page 90 "Kajak-ab the Braineater" but "Kajak-Ab Braineater" in the Guide. Martin also pointed this repeated typo on Page 138

Page 90 "leaders of Dagori Inkarth sent part of the population southeast towards the extensive ruins of Pavis"

Edited by jongjom
Correcting comments & page number

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6 hours ago, jongjom said:

Page 85 "The Greatway dwarfs, still smarting from their former treatment, declared the Nidan Decamony to be criminally insane, and then sent money and power to the Octamonist leaders there." Where is "there"? Nida? If so why did they send them money and power after just calling them insane?

The Octamonist leaders are distinct from the Decamonists that rule Nida.  The Octamonists believe that the creation of Iron and Diamond was wrong because it was done without the participation of the Machine.  Everybody else including the Decamonists that rule Nida believe they are delusional loons.

So Greatway called the Decamonists that rule Nida "criminally insane" and sent money to the Octamonist ldeaders in Nida in a blatant attempt to cause trouble.  

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3 hours ago, jongjom said:

Page 89 "Warriors slain could not be replaced, and the powerful army was over half trollkin when it was defeated in battle by the Broken Council around 397." How can that be, they've only just come into existence!!??

Maybe just: "Warriors slain could not be replaced, and the powerful army was over half trollkin when it was later to suffer defeats in battle."

The trollkin curse appeared in 379 ST.  397 ST is some 18 years later.

 

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4 hours ago, metcalph said:

The trollkin curse appeared in 379 ST.  397 ST is some 18 years later.

 

18 years after the curse started they have enough trollkin to fill half the ranks! Not sure about the math of that!

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38 minutes ago, jongjom said:

18 years after the curse started they have enough trollkin to fill half the ranks! Not sure about the math of that!

Trolls are adult at 14.  Depending on how badly they have been defeated, the troops they have in 397 are likely to be a lot less than the troops they mustered in 379 ST.  I don't think the trollkin would have had multiple births as of 397 ST but I find it plausible that they started arming whatever trollkin they could with spears as a desperation move during the Gbaji Wars.

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On ‎11‎/‎27‎/‎2016 at 2:23 PM, M Helsdon said:

Not really. There are no absolutes in Glorantha, and even the Guide contains (intentional) contradictions. I know this because I identified and reported some during the review process and was told they wouldn't be changed because they weren't mistakes.

Based on my experience of working on other documents, making the changes which are accepted won't be a simple or quick task. We are talking almost as much effort as required to identify and report things (which in my case is around forty hours).

Some of the apparent discontinuities can be 'fixed' by making almost all of the Glorantha Sourcebook in-world documents written by Lhankor Mhy, Buserian or Irrippi Ontor sages.

Hepherones’ Statement of Magic, The Xeotam Dialogues, The Redline History of the Lunar Empire and The History of Dragon Pass are already in-world documents to a greater or lesser degree, and all appear to contain intentional inaccuracies, based on the subjective perspective of the author. This has advantages: it gives a 'get out of jail free' card when someone complains that the material contradicts another source, it demonstrates that Truth in Glorantha is elusive, and it provides information on the beliefs and bias of the 'author'. The resulting 'rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty' make Glorantha more 'real' than other fantasy worlds.

It also provides latitude for storytelling/scenario-making.

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Starting a third pass, but very slowly.

I am increasingly of the opinion that the fact the Theogony should be treated as the God Learner introduction to the subsequent Elemental Pantheons (this may be the intent, but it isn't obvious from the formatting), all the way through to the end of The End of the Gods War chapter, and perhaps beyond. There might also be notes or annotations that the material is not entirely accurate: this gets around some of the blatant falsehoods. The same should hold for many other chapters as well. There's the fact that all of us know considerably more about their world/cosmos than any mortal inhabitant of Glorantha, and that instead of objective out-of-world facts, players and their characters probably need subjective truths - at least from their cultural perspective.

Much of the material leans heavily to a Sartarite viewpoint (woe to the Lunars - their magical regiments aren't detailed) so perhaps it should come with a large note that it is an in-world sourcebook instead of a game encyclopedia. For that matter, I recall reading somewhere that the design of the Runes as presented here and elsewhere are God Learner constructs, though widely accepted now.

Just a thought.

Edited by M Helsdon
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Page 90 "reveling trolls" should be "revelling trolls"

Page 90 "With great magics the troll leader sealed off the cyclopean walls of Pavis, and kept all outsiders away for three hundred years." The re-opening of Pavis happened during the Dragonewts Dream 1539-1540, way more than a hundred years.

Page 90 "As humans occupied Dragon Pass the trolls" - for clarity?

Page 90  "trollkin populations irregularly marched down to the valleys to scavenge and eat."   "plundering" trollkin, hum !!  

Page 92 "During the occupation of Dragon Pass by the Lunar Empire they most often worked for the Red Moon, who could tend the trolls well in her Dark Phase." -- what does "could 'tend the trolls' well in her Dark Phase" mean?

Page 92 "Ancient races renewed their primeval conflicts and there was war again between trolls, dwarves, and elves again." - for clarity?

Page 92 "but the dawning of year 2 S.T. established the New Malkioni religion"

Page 92 "The vast spiritual empire of eastern Genertela clung to the mystic secrets of the universe as being the most important." maybe delete "spiritual" to make it clear that you are talking about mysticism and not spirit worship?

Page 93 "In Pamaltela, a hundred thousand elves, led by their god of nature called Pamalt, sent" - to be the same as the Guide, or is Pamalt the elven God of Nature?

Page 94 "Naylor the new name of Gbaji, by which all his enemies called him thereafter." - for clarity? he wasn't called thereafter?

Page 94 "He realized that the Brithini caste structure made impossible the efficient use of the forces available." - for clarity?

Page 94 "using the word Krjalki to " in the Guide it's: "using the word krjalki to " (not bold, just lower case and italicised)

Page 94 "thought that the krjalki were mutated monsters"

General Comment: please check for Krjalki vs. krjalki

Page 94 "and afterwards too from Fronela, this last purge happening at the end of the Gbaji Wars by Talor the Laughing Warrior." - for clarity?

Page 95 "The war against Gbaji had lasted 50 years;" - to be the same as the Guide

Page 95  "it under his watchful eye for his other 50 years."- to be the same as the Guide

Edited by jongjom

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Page 96 "The God Learners pioneered our understanding of the spirit plane." is 'spirit plane' the correct term here?

Page 96 "They dominated the sea after driving off the Waertagi fleet." - makes better sense?

Page 96  "the interior of the continents for the next age." Here and elsewhere: is it "age" or "Age"?

Page 98 "piece of earth, leaving behind the Crater, and" - makes better sense?

Page 98  Is "she is called Jernedeus" meant to be spelt as "As Jernotius, he was turned to stone" on the same page?  Only the latter is in the Guide & The Entekosiad, but the former is in The Fortunate Succession

Page 101 "ULURDA " does not appear in the Guide, TFS, or TE. Do we really need more names for the same deity? Suggest changing to "Orogeria" x 3, including: "Orogeria also lived upon the earth, and she was called Orogeria, the Lady of the Wild, and Keeper of Life and Death."

Page 101 "ZAYTENARA is the daughter of Yelm born" But the Guide says: "The Lunars call this deity Zaytenera" (page 673) "ZAYTENARA" is the masculine name from the Guide. So suggest change to Zaytenera as 1) it's a Lunar writer 2) it's female

Page 101 "is the son of the Blue Moon and Lorian the Skyriver Titan"  'Skyriver' in the Guide

Page 102 "Some say that a goddess called Rashorana, who was either the last of the gods born, or the first of the Chaos creations," - same thing mentioned on page 100 & 64. Suggest abbreviating this almost copy and paste e.g.: Rashorana, the last born god or first Chaos creation, - at least you recognise the reader has read this before

Page 102: "In the Third Age,.... Illumination is known elsewhere, most notably in Kralorela, East Isles, Ralios, Jrustela, and Vralos." Are those pesky elves in Jrustela, and Vralos Illuminated? If not them who is in those places?

Edited by jongjom
clarification

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General: various units of distance used in document: miles, kilometers (and km.). I believe the current standard are Imperial units.

Page 3: and evil of Chaos – should be - and the evil of Chaos

Page 3: They are 1. – suggest the use of semicolons instead of numbers.

Page 3: Peloria, in the north-center – should be - Pelora, in the north-center

Page 3: Genertela from Seshnela and Teshnos – should be - Genertela from Seshnela to Teshnos

Page 4: by Brithini – might be - by the Brithini

Page 4: Pelora has been home to many empires – might be - Peloria has been home to many empires

Page 4: Far eastern, Kralora – should be - Far to the east, Kralora

Page 4: West, past the lands of men, rolls the chill Western Sea, which has no bounds – and Slon?

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Page 103 "and she is the patron goddess of the seven Temples of the Reaching Moon"  capital T

Page 105 NO CHANGE BUT:  "ordered into existence in 7/50 (1621) by the Red Emperor (or one of his household) in anticipation of the Extra Full Moon Year." The Guide has the Extra Full Moon Year as 7/50 (1621) [page 330 of the Guide] and as 1622 [page 188 of the Guide]. Missed that one first time round!

Page 105  "not have been written before 8/2 (1627), widely believed to have been added by Fod-Ariam." - add in for clarity

Page 105 "They were militarily feudal in nature," - you have just mentioned they were a feudal society in the previous sentence.

 

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3 hours ago, jongjom said:

 

Page 102: "In the Third Age,.... Illumination is known elsewhere, most notably in Kralorela, East Isles, Ralios, Jrustela, and Vralos." Are those pesky elves in Jrustela, and Vralos Illuminated? If not them who is in those places?

Illumination in Umathela is almost certainly the Cult of Silence.

Illumination in Jrustela is less clearcut, but I think it's anybody that studies the God Learner ruins (whether Orange Guilds, Uz, Malasps etc).

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Page 105 "The karmanoi and hazars fought as cataphracts, a form of armored" - these should be italicised too?

Page 108  "attack the Carmanians., She led her army through" - delete the comma after the full stop

Page 108 "Particularly important was the reaction of Raiba, city-deity of Raibanth"   Yet in the Guide the name is Raibamus: "Murharzarm’s son Raibamus is the guardian of the city." (Guide page 319)      Raiba is mentioned  3 times on page 108

Page 109  the Kingdom of Karasal surrendered with it.,   - delete the comma after the full stop

Page 109 "awaited the invading Lunar host in the wide plains"  - host? why not  'army' or 'forces'?

Page 111 "Castle Blue and burnt Meglardinth, the barrier" maybe give context and meaning: "Castle Blue and burnt down the nearby Lunar city Meglardinth, the barrier"

Page 111 "The Goddess mustered a wide array of powers led by her Scarlet Warlord, Doskalos the Sword in the Eye, to confront the Old Gods, including the Crimson Bat and her daughter Deneskerva."

Couldn't this sentence be better constructed i.e.:

"The Goddess mustered a wide array of powers including her daughter Deneskerva and the Crimson Bat, led by her Scarlet Warlord, Doskalos the Sword in the Eye, to confront the Old Gods."

Page 111  "and even the blue men worshipping YarGan" maybe "and even the Blue Men worshipping YarGan" OR "and even the Blue People worshipping YarGan" - As per the Guide page 318

Page 111 "rising higher and higher until she reached the Upper Air"  - should it not be the Middle Air, as is in the Guide:   "her ascent into the Middle Air as the" - Guide Page 297

 

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Page 6: called the power of Being – should be - called the Power of Being

Page 6: power of Becoming – should be - Power of Becoming

Page 7: their respective forms – should be - their respective Forms

Page 7: the form of a beast – should be - the Form of a beast

Page 7: though there are several Dragonewt Power cults, all modified by the Dragonewt Rune – is this still canonical?

Page 8: rejected that as a separate magical – should be - rejected it as a separate magical

Page 8: the power of Death – should be - the Power of Death

Page 10: god-talkers – on the previous page has the form – god talkers

Page 10: This document was written by the Carmanian mystic Hepherones of Ganbarri in the early Third Age, circa 1200. The insights are a remarkable synthesis of Carmanian dualism, humanism, and central Genertela pantheism. – Should be in italics.

Page 10: Notbeing – possibly – Not-being – or – Not-Being

Edited by M Helsdon

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It is well known that when reviewing something, if you find an error, you are less likely to find nearby errors. This holds for text or software code, and is one reason for employing multiple reviewers, because they won't all notice the same set of errors, and to employ multiple passes. It seems to occur because the human mind can usually only concentrate on one thing at a time, and when concentrating on investigating one error, others become almost 'greyed out': the probability of detecting something else in the same sentence or paragraph significantly reduces, sometimes the same page.

However, employing multiple passes also results in diminishing returns, because two other factors come into play: seeing what you expect to see, and boredom, meaning that the reader skips over the material. It takes more effort to cover the same ground.

This is also why authors often are the worst reviewers of their own work, because they know what they intended to write, even if they didn't actually write what they intended, but when they read it, they often can't detect anything wrong. Word blindness becomes a factor.

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