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Masks of Nyarlathotep - Errors Thread

Mike M

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On the NPC Portraits file. Page 6,  bottom right portrait of Dr. Mordecai Lemming is out of alignment with the rest. 


Also, not an error, but could we get a portrait of Roger Carlyle as well in there? Love handing my players these as they piece the clues, for note taking, and would love to have one of him

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p. 7, A Classic Reanimated section, paragraph 2, last sentence: Change "loving captured" to "lovingly captured".

p. 7, A Classic Reanimated section, paragraph 3, second sentence: Change "Not only has the original text been revised and edited, primary research has been undertaken to bring new insights into the various locales and historical period" to "The original text has been revised and edited, and primary research has been undertaken to bring new insights into the various locales and historical period." ("Not only" implies a "but also" balancing clause which is not present.)

p. 22, Spelling Conventions sidebar, first sentence: Change "is written is U.S. English" to "is written in U.S. English".

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Self-discipline isnt everything; look at Pol Pot.”
—Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

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Credits page

Paragraph 2: Make “Playtesters” one word.

Under Clear Credit, graph 2: change “as well as creating” to “as well as creates” for parallel consistency. Or revise it the other way around with a bit of rewriting.

Graph 3: change the full stop before “John French” to a semicolon.

Throughout: Search on “toward” and decide whether you want “toward” or “towards” as your standard. (If you’re aiming for American style, it’s “toward.”)

Page 7

At the top, add a couple of commas: “Greetings, Gentle Reader. If you are reading this, you have purchased…”

Under A Classic reanimated, the final sentence of the second graph is stronger if attached to the previous sentence with a comma or an em-dash.

Change “loving” to “lovingly.”

If you are a stickler, as I know you are, you’ll want to capitalize Internet.

I’d encourage you to omit “and further” after “dig deeper.” (If you must include it, the metaphor is more consistent with “farther,” but you don’t need it. Sometimes you’ll use two adjectives when one of them is clearly superior and would be stronger alone.)

Before “building on firm foundations,” reduce the semicolon to a comma.

If I were editing this passage for style, I’d have more advice to offer.

Page 8

At the top, hyphenate “less-than-professional approach.”

Under The Campaign, after the quotation, change “where” to “when,” since it follows a date, not a location.

In the second graph of the second column, don’t you want to specify Call of Cthulhu 7th Edition? Every previous edition was also written for Call of Cthulhu, so it’s not a distinction as framed.

Page 9

Under Introduction, second sentence, lose the “s” from “parts” or “provides” (but not both) for agreement.

There are a number of style issues an editor would address, but I’ll try to limit myself to actual corrections. Still, I’d like to stress that a more rigorous editorial pass a few months before release would be a shot in the arm for publications that have such strong substance.

Last paragraph: You can omit the “to” in “lead to,” since “where” already takes its place.

Add the possessive apostrophe to “the players’ doing something unexpected.”

Page 10

After SUMMARY OF EVENTS: THE PUBLIC VERSION, that first sentence could use reconstruction. The key is that you want “led by 24-year-old Roger Carlyle” adjacent to, “The Carlyle Expedition.” The simplest way is to start the sentence with the former phrase.

Second graph: Again, you want “who” and “Sir Aubrey Penhew” much closer. The simplest fix is to make the last phrase its own sentence with a pronoun: “He then joined the team.”

Page 12

Graph 2: omit the word “being” to make both “intractable” and “immune” agree with the verb “proved.”

In the last graph of column one, omit the hyphen in “sickly sweet.” (Adverbs ending in “-ly” don’t take a hyphen. No one knows why.)

Under PREPARING THE GREAT PLAN: NOW, the colon in the first sentence ought to be a comma or, perhaps better, the word “and” preceded by a comma.

In the last graph, omit the comma after “millions of years ago.” This is really a question of style, but omitting it makes it consistent with the sentence that follows, which doesn’t use one in a similar position.

Page 13
In the sidebar, after Roger Carlyle: no need to hyphenate “far-gone.”

If parallel structure matters to you, you might consider revising a few of the descriptions to match the verb-led structure of the majority. Thus:

Roger Carlyle: is confined…

Jack Brady: remains in hiding…
Hypatia Masters: has become a babbling…

Page 14

In the two parenthetical notations in the second graph, you use a semicolon once and a comma in a similar position the second time. Neither is wrong, but they ought to be consistent. I’d stick with the comma, since it’s clear without the added emphasis of a semicolon, which you might need in a later, more complex notation. (The third one in the next graph also uses just the comma.)

Page 15

Second full graph, make “Elder Gods or Great Old Ones” plural to match “they.”

Graph at the bottom of column one, add a comma: “Nyarlathotep’s forms vary greatly, and the keeper…”

Same graph at the top of the next column: lose the superfluous comma.

It’s not worth changing, but except in rare instances of providing clarity, you needn’t put “in order” before a verb phrase like “to realize.” Empty extra words. If you can shed them, your prose becomes a little more muscular.

Page 16

Penultimate graph, add a comma: “for average cult members, and these…”

Also, add a full stop after “Contact Nyarlathotep.” Omit “and,” and instead begin the next clause with “Should.”

Page 17

At the top, “led by M’Weru” needs to be closer to “cult.” Likewise, in the next sentence, “which was set up” wants to be closer to “branch.”

In the first sentence of the second graph, omit the comma after “avatar.”

That final sentence is also a bit messy. Consider this revision: “An enormous and horrific monstrosity, nearly ten times the height of the average human. With rending claws and, in place of a face, a single long, bloodred tentacle that stretches upward, as if reaching for the stars. Note that this version puts the modifying phrase after tentacle and uses the American upward. You might want to do a careful search on the several -ward/-wards and make them consistent, either American or British.

Omit the comma after “human”: “The Black Pharaoh is an Egyptian-looking human dressed…”

In the penultimate line of column one, make that semicolon a colon.

Under Cult of the Sand Bat, add a comma: “had all but died out, and it was only…”

You could also lose the commas on either side of “nevertheless.”

In the next graph, the semicolon could be a comma or an em-dash, but not a semicolon.

Lose the comma after “Nyarlathotep.”

The semicolon near the end is fine, but add a comma after “instead.”

Under Order of the Bloated Woman, lose the comma after “(270 kg).”

Lose the comma after “exclusively Chinese.”


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Page 18

Timeline of Key Events 1916–1926: My eyes aren’t what they once were, but I can’t tell at a glance whether you’re using en-dashes elsewhere. If you are, one of the best places for them is between a range of numerals or dates. It’s a fine point, and these days many typesetters don’t bother with them, which is a small pity. I won’t mention them again unless you want me to look out for them.

While I’m likely not to proof the handouts carefully, I noticed both lone hyphens and double hyphens where em-dashes should be, sometimes both in the same document. It would be worth searching for those and making them consistent, preferably with full em-dashes, since the handouts replicate handwriting.

Lowercase “t” in ‘the “Carlyle” Expedition’ to make it consistent with the other entries that don’t begin with a proper noun.


Page 19

Third entry, change “alternately” to “alternatively.” (You use “alternately” correctly in other instances, so beware of a search-and-replace, but here it should be “alternatively.”)

15th January 1925: Lose the comma.


Page 21

Last graph of the first section, another case where you want “alternatively.”

You want a comma after “end of the spectrum.”

At the end of this column, “alternative” is used correctly.

At the top of the second column, consider using the understated “and so on” instead of the ugly “etc.” with its period bracketing the closing parenthesis in such an uncouth manner.

In the penultimate graph, you might want to insert a definite article: “…and draw a veil over the investigators’ failure…” It’s not wrong; it’s just awkward compared with the general style of the other prose.

Page 22

Graph 1, penultimate sentence, lose a comma: “…where the investigators choose to go in terms of…”

In the following graph, omit “ending in” before “China.”

Under Historical and Setting Descriptions, adjust the punctuation: “
Key locations have at least baseline

Depictions, and the Keeper should feel free to add in further locations as events develop.”

I see someone beat me to it, but for completeness’ sake, I’ll mention the sidebar should read “While the main text is written in U.S. English, certain…”

Page 23

Please consider eliminating “etc.” from your written vocabulary. It’s puny and ugly, and it smells funny.

Just before the section on Lethality, please adjust “The Keeper is advised to only pull such stunts…” to “The Keeper is advised only to pull such stunts…”

Make the first paragraph after Lethality more elegant by deleting “with great frequency.”

Restore the missing comma: “
Certain encounters have been moderated for classic Call of Cthulhu play, but, for…”

In the second graph of the next column, “mitigate against,” delete the second word.

In the next graph, hyphenate “high-stakes.”

Page 24

After If the Gate Opens, do you mean “Mythos activity swells” rather than “wells”? That seems to make more sense.

In the last sentence of the same graph, omit the superfluous comma.

In the next graph, there’s another “towards” you probably want to be “toward.”

In the third graph after PREPARING FOR PLAY, last sentence, that semicolon needs to be a comma, em-dash, or colon, definitely not a semicolon. I would suggest the em-dash.


Page 26

Top of the first column, add “in”: “…is provided in Appendix E,”
Same sentence, add missing “to”: “as each has reasons to venture to or be in South America…”

Third graph, correct to singular “interest” and add possessive “investigators’”: “In the interest of the investigators being able to communicate…”
In the second full paragraph of the second column, make “playtests” one word.

Page 27

In the third column, first graph after the heading, make “hand over” two words (verb form) rather than the one-word noun.

I’m noticing increasing use of “player character” instead of “investigator.” If that’s by design, no worries. But if you prefer to use “investigator” and “hero” instead, it might bear a careful search and edit.

Page 31

Viewing the kerning on the second line of the “Cowley, Professor Anthony” entry requires a SAN check.

The final line of Jackson Elias’ entry wants a comma: “He gets wind of Nyarlathotep’s plan, but cultists chase him down and kill him.”


Page 33

In Sir Aubrey’s entry, change “towards” to “toward.”

Page 36

Under Skills, correct the spelling of “dialect”: “Language (Alngith Dialiect*) 45% (22/9)”

[I understand it’s excruciating to run multiple spellchecks on such long game documents, but it’s worthwhile to do at least one more.]


First graph after Backstory, change “it” to “its”: “… despite its being frowned upon…”
Last sentence in Backstory, add a comma after “leader”: “Having corresponded with the expedition’s leader, Augustus Larkin, she packed…”

Lose a comma, add a comma: “Description: white Australian with dark-brown hair, fair

skin, and green eyes.”

I’m not checking the character builds for game accuracy. That arithmetic I leave to better folk than I.

Page 38

Near the bottom of column 1, add a comma: “Since returning from France, he has worked as a mechanic, but better engineering jobs have eluded him.”

Page 39

Near the bottom of column 1, the semicolon after “New York Public Library” should be a comma or an em-dash.

Page 40

Near the bottom of column 1, hyphenate “silver-spoon.”

Page 41

First graph of Backstory, upgrade comma to semicolon: “Book-learning wasn’t Perry’s style; he preferred getting his hands all bloody…”

Revise the last sentence of the backstory, omitting a word and adding another: “…to Lima to arrive in time for the expedition’s departure.”


The “Traits” entry is missing its bullet.

Page 42

At the top of Backstory, lose the comma after “family.”
Near the end of Backstory, change “towards” to “toward.”
After “Traits,” make “foolhardy” one word.

If you’re going to use “i.e.,” include the comma. Alternatively, use “that is,” instead.

Page 45

In the Backstory, delete “of some renown” to avoid redundancy.

Revise the description to avoid suggesting the hair is smiling:

• Description: white French; wavy blonde hair and a broad smile.

Edited by Dave
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9 hours ago, Numtini said:

Sample player characters can't be opened in some/most non-Adobe PDF readers. Probably autocalc issue.

Yes, they only work using the (free) Adobe Reader or full Acrobat programme, due to the autocalc. We advise using Adobe Reader.


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Page 47

First graph, “…the fateful event that triggers the core campaign.”

Next graph, add a word to reinforce the parallel structure: “…
into the

action, or if you…”

End of the same graph, omit the superfluous comma.

By the way, I notice from the quoted Lovecraft that you’re italicizing story titles rather than enclosing them in quotation marks. Even though that’s technically incorrect, I think it works in this context. I mention it only in case you feel differently.

After The Avatar in the Pyramid, you might revise the final sentence for a slight boost in clarity: “
A few local farmers and shepherds know of the existence of the site, but they shun the area due to its evil reputation.”

Page 48

First graph, omit a superfluous comma: “…as small, writhing seeds made of its flesh.”

Near the bottom of the first column, break this long sentence in two: “
Thus, Larkin headed back to Lima

and wrote to a number of academic institutions around the world. He also conducted interviews…”

At the top of the last graph, omit the superfluous comma: “In due course, Elias will come into contact with

investigators who have come to meet Larkin and join his expedition.”

Page 49

Add a comma: “If the investigators and Jackson Elias discover the gold in the chamber beneath the ruins in the Andean highlands (The Chamber, page 79), then Elias leaves his share to the investigators in his will…”

At the top of the second column, demote that semicolon to a comma.

Either omit the comma after or add one to the other side of the phrase “to his mind”: “…perhaps as some form

of human sacrifice, which, to his mind, could be evidence of death cult operating in Peru.” But this version is probably better: “…perhaps as some form of human sacrifice, which to his mind could be evidence of death cult operating in Peru.”

Shortly afterward, remove the hyphen from “modern day.”

After Jackson Elias in Peru, omit the superfluous comma: “…(such as Nayra, a wisewoman) and researching stories of the kharisiri.”

In the next graph, demote the semicolon after “Luis de Mendoza” to a comma.

Omit another superfluous comma: “…the man was a key figure in the death cult rather than an actual monster.”

In the last line of the page, omit the commas around “somehow.” They aren’t wrong, but they’re out of keeping with the style of the rest of the book, which leans toward omitting unnecessary commas around short phrases, which is good for ease of reading.

Page 50

Second graph in column one, after the first semicolon, add a comma, demote the second semicolon or change it to an em-dash:  “…the locals may think de Mendoza is a monster, but Elias believes he is just a manone who might have ties to the dark truth behind the legends.

Page 51

Second graph: Here’s a good instance of when not to use an em-dash instead of a full stop and the start of a new independent clause. Alternatively, you could make it a semicolon instead, but there are enough long sentences in this document that breaking a few down is a virtue.

Last full sentence in this first column, add the pronoun “he” or lose the comma (preferably the former): Larkin is host to a fragment of a god, but he is weak of body and his mind dulled by narcotics.

Page 52, first column, second graph, add a comma: Instead of being the first into the fray, he keeps…”

Third graph: The quotation marks around “could” seem as though they’re meant for emphasis, which isn’t the way to use them. If you must, italicize “could,” but you don’t need either. If a word needs emphasis, in English there’s (almost) always a better word.

Column 2, penultimate graph, omit second “is”: “
Civilization in what is now is Peru…”

Page 54

First graph, add a comma: “Sanitation conditions have recently been modernized, and

Top of column 2, add a comma and change than to from (the idiomatic preference, although different to is common in the UK, and different than is accepted in the US, and the latter is preferred in specific circumstances): The climate in the highland city of Puno is altogether different from that of Lima, and the investigators…”

Very is another word you might train your eye to detect, consider, and almost always delete. Its not wrong, its just a useless modifier that usually indicates you should have chosen a different adjective.
(Incidentally, I adore details like the note about Pisco Sours. Your caveat about not fretting over historical or cultural details in the introduction had me concerned you might rein in such flourishes, but they are part of what brings global Call of Cthulhu campaigns to life.)


Page 55

First graph, you can omit the comma after monsters.
Second column, second graph, revise verb for tense agreement: Like magpies, the kharisiri take valuables

from their victims and store them…”

Page 56

First graph under Jackson Elias, omit a comma: He has no living relatives and no permanent address.
Likewise in the next graph: He is social and enjoys an occasional drink.

Likewise near the end of the third graph, and change it to its: “…to avoid its being unpublishable and

may bemoan the fact…” Alternatively, retain the comma and add he to make it a compound: “…unpublishable, and he may bemoan…”
Again in the following paragraph, omit the comma: “…pseudonym Jesse Hughes and is pretending…”

Page 57

Top of column 2, again with the superfluous comma: He wears glasses and is usually dressed

in a suit when at the university.


Page 58

Third graph below Nayra: omit the superfluous comma in the third sentence and again in the final sentence.

The kerning on the second line under Traits could be better.


Page 60

In the second graph after Luis de Mendoza, add a comma: De Mendoza largely obeys this instruction,

but sometimes his anger…”
Fourth graph, omit comma: He has suppressed this in pursuit of his master’s larger plans but still takes…”

Page 61
Top of column 2, revise pronoun: “…start the scene with their arriving at Bar Cordano.

Penultimate graph, lose a comma: He introduces de Mendoza as his personal aid and says Hughes is a folklorist…”

Page 62
Column 1, move a modifier in the first sentence: He tells the investigators that he bought a few interesting

items near Puno from an alpaca farmer, who claims…”

Second sentence, remove the comma after superstitious fear, or, and perhaps better, make it “…superstitious fear, but he told…”
Last sentence of that graph, lose the comma or add “… but he confirms…”

Next graph, lose the comma after golden cup.

Under How did you find out about the pyramid? revise the first sentence: While traveling in the highlands, Larkin heard about the lost pyramid from an alpaca farmer.

Near the end of the graph, change its to its.


Page 63

Under Where is the pyramid? revise a few days journey to a few days journey.

Under Can we see your research? change apologies to apologizes.

Under When do we set out? Delete either a.m. or morning.

In the penultimate bullet point, change the semicolon to a full stop and start a new sentence with Perhaps…”


Page 64

Sidebar, drop the first comma in “…man of European appearance dressed simple, slightly…”

First graph after An Alternative Meeting, in part to loosen the tight kerning, but also for clarity, cut a comma and a word: “…can lead the investigators to Sanchez’ home near the university, although…” If you need more air, cut a little more: “…not to shoo away his new friend and his strange companions, he will be…”

Last graph in column 1, alternate should be alternative.

Second column, second graph, delete both commas in the first sentence.

Third graph, same thingdelete the first two commas.


Page 65

After Keeper Note, delete if examined, because its distant from its modified noun and doesnt add clarity.

After Larkins Room, delete the comma after across the floor.
Also delete the comma after rotten meat.
In the next graph, you dont need the comma after small.

[It occurs to me that a Spanish speakers giving this document a pass could only help. Im of no use on that count, and I recall a Francophone made some keen notes on Reign of Terror.]

In the first graph of the next section, add a comma after Saturday.

In the next graph, omit the comma after building.

In the following graph, itd be more clear and elegant to recast the second sentence thusly: Dominating the room is a large hardwood desk piled high with…”

Column 2, first graph, omit the comma: She has almost finished it but has had…”

In the third graph, add a pronoun: “…for them to go and find her, but he suspects…” (Alternatively, just omit the comma, but this scans better.)

Under The Storeroom, change at the weekends to on the weekend.


Page 66

In the last sentence of the first graph, add a comma after neatly labeled.

In the third graph, omit the comma after carries a gun.

In the second column after the Keeper Note, add a comma after (Saturday).

Add a comma after animal instincts take over.


Page 67

While I accept that the tribe has spoken and their is commonly used as a singular, theres no reason to do so in the Kharisiri sidebar. A little deft rewriting would make the whole thing plural, or you could establish that its singular from the top and refer to the monster as it or avoid pronouns altogether.

In the second column, revise can only carry one to can carry only one.

At the bottom of the column, you have a their with no antecedent, but Im sure you mean an investigator. Heres another case in which their is a clumsy substitute, since it agrees with investigators, but youre referring to the singular host.
In any case, I would at least suggest revising the last sentence in column 2: If examining the hosts abdomen with bare hands, an investigator requires no roll to feel something…”


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Page 68

Its a very fine difference, I realize, especially to the ear of a British Anglophone, but consider revising in the second graph “…a small wooden crate, which has…” to “…a small wooden crate that has. The important difference is that its a restrictive clause and thus needs no comma. The confusing bit is that that is preferred for restrictive clauses, but Britons more commonly use which and most Americans dont perceive the difference at all, which is why we cant have nice punctuation.
Column 2, graph 2, sentence 2, move the adjective:
He does so only if he can catch…” Also, both for economy and the sake of the kerning, delete this.
Last graph, omit the comma after innocent pawn.


Page 69

In the sidebar, purely to improve the kerning, consider adding a word and changing some punctuation slightly: “…his wounds appear to be healing slowly, the flesh knitting together.
[Its entirely possible that my vision is poorer than I realize or that reading it on a computer monitor worsens the effect, but the otherwise attractive background makes the text in this sidebar a bit difficult to read.]

Near the middle of column 2, omit the comma and correct the spelling in the parenthetical note: “…(perhaps gaining a surprise attack). Also, end it with a full stop and begin the next sentence: This time, his intent is to escape…”

Third column, second graph, omit the word are: “…the police and hospital staff want to keep quiet…”

Later in the same graph, move the modifier: “…a wall of silence that is broken only with…”

Consider using or other person instead of etc.
Consider swapping crosses themselves with makes the sign of the cross.

Omit the comma before and hand him over to the police.

In the first column below the sidebar, second graph, add a comma after his voice becomes imperious.


Page 70
Column 1, graph 2, add a comma after “…turn up on Monday morning.

Column 1, penultimate graph, omit the comma after “…accompany him to the pyramid.

Column 2, last graph, omit the comma after 20,000 residents.

Same graph, change further uphill to farther uphill. (Farther means distance; further means additional non-distance amount.)

Same graph, omit the comma after broad plaza.


Page 71

Please convert the double hyphens and the single hyphens flanked by spaces to em-dashes.

Im of two minds in pointing out punctuation errors in handout text presumably written by someone who might logically make mistakes, but in case you want correct punctuation: In graph 1, lose the comma after highlands of the Andes.

Page 72

Its a picky point, but if a section of the campaign is largely optional, its optional. Also, omitting largely helps your kerning. Actually, the second sentence is a bit of redundancy. Suggest abbreviating it to Keepers who wish to maintain a faster pace may skip it. And in the next sentence, Time spent in Puno provides investigators the option of identifying…”
In the second graph, add a comma after all of this.
Another picky point: making any further simply further is tidy.
In the second sidebar column, consider
(such as combat) a substitute for (combat, etc.)

The parenthetical notes are becoming a bit thick here. One way to weed them out is simply to omit the parentheses at the end of the first graph below the sidebar. The phrase works equally well as part of the sentence proper.

In the second graph below the sidebar, you neednt bracket roughly with commas. (I havent mentioned all instances of unnecessary (but not necessarily wrong) commas, but this one is a bit of a speedbump.)

In column 2, first graph, the phrase adds further is stronger as adds.

In the parenthetical notation, add a comma to (3,658 m).


[Incidentally, I love the new maps. There are many other things I love, but I am wary of cluttering these notes with asides. Still, nice maps!]

Page 73

Avoid using the word this without a clear antecedent. Rather than begin the second sentence Despite this, considering using Nevertheless, Larkin has hired…”

At the end of the graph, you dont need both a.m. and the morning. Pick one.

In other Imperial-to-metric conversions, you dont use circa.

Column 2, graph 2, another fuzzy this: Consider revising to “…does not take place until 1922, this option too is more suited to pulp.
In the last graph, add a comma to “…are more intelligent, and their larger numbers…”

In the final sentence, which concludes on the following page, move the modifier: “…though the investigators are likely to find themselves in physical danger from the locals only if they start trouble themselves.


Page 74

Under Meeting Nayra, last sentence, add a comma: “…as superstition, but, if he has seen…”

In the second graph, in the phrase asking around some mutual acquaintances, delete around.

In 2 miles (3 km) from Puno itself, delete itself.

At the top of the second column, add a second they to “…as casually as they can, but they keep sneaking…”

Near the end of the column, omit the second comma in Consequently, few if any people from Puno…” but then add one to “…anywhere near the pyramid, and it has…”


Page 75

In the sidebar, you can give the type more air by omitting more or less in the second graph. You can give it a try by omitting just the unnecessary commas, but if that doesnt bring up a word, it might be worthwhile to delete the entire phrase.

Page 76

At the top of column 2, omit the comma after 1D2+1 points.
It may seem a fine point, but a.m. indicates morning, so the phrase On the first night sounds a trifle peculiar. Perhaps, At 3:00 a.m. after the first night, a kharisiri…”
Lose the comma after an old conquistador.


Page 77

Graph one, delete of: “…find themselves short one pack animal…”

In the next graph, delete ahead, including that comma.

Near the end of the next graph, change towards to toward. (Im bound to miss some of these, assuming I get through the entire document, so please do that careful search & replace. I think I spotted one later in a heading, too.)
Second column, second graph, revise the second sentence to omit a comma and change
who to whom: His companion is a young woman from Puno named Narcisa Quispe, whom he recently converted.

In the next graph, you have an instance of in order that can be deleted.


Page 78

[I love this map with its wall detail, and I love that you provide it sans tags and key in the handouts file. Good show!]

Column 1, graph one, omit the comma: “…a main entryway taking the form…”


Page 79

After The Pyramid, add a comma: The smell of corruption is overpowering here, and blowflies buzz around the crack constantly.

Column 2, toward the end of the first graph, add a comma: The smell of decay in the tunnels is overpowering, and the air is filled with buzzing flies.

Same graph, penultimate sentence, you can avoid the issue of the pronoun agreement by changing an investigator to investigators and making nose and mouth the plural noses and mouths.

In the next graph, downwards should be downward.

After The Chamber, omit the comma: “…offerings to their god and also…”


Page 80

In the second graph, omit the comma after ancient artifacts.

After The Pyramids Base, omit the comma after by tunnels.

Last sentence in column 2, omit the comma after forced to or revise it to “…forced to, but they will take…”

Page 81

Second column, last graph, add a comma: “…through the cracks, and its connection…”


Page 83

Near the end of graph two, this sentence needs revision for structure, clarity, and conciseness: If the Keeper desires, later in the campaign the Father of Maggots could make a return appearance to taunt the investigators in visions, dreams, and half-glimpsed appearancesanytime maggots are seen, a chill runs down the investigators’ spines.
Aha! I see you do use the en-dash (or minus-sign), so perhaps you would like to scan the rest of the document and place one in numeral and date ranges. It looks much more elegant than a hyphen. Sadly, when I search for in in Adobe reader, searching for the en-dash hits hyphens, en-dashes, and em-dashes without discrimination. Unless youre using a more discerning version of the software, searching for them might be problematic.

Note that I am not proofing character and monster entries carefully. I hope someone else will take a closer look at them.


Page 86

The note on de Mendozas sword, second sentence, omit a comma: It is old but well maintained and sharp.

After Armor, second sentence, move a modifier: Can be killed only by complete dismemberment…”

I wont mention further instances of etc. except to emphasize my encouragement always to find a substitute.


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Page 91

Column 1, graph 2, omit a comma and move a modifier: “…not seen him for years and kept in touch

only through occasional correspondence.”


Page 92

After the Keeper note, revise the second sentence: “She can supply useful information and confirm the newspaper reports…”


The last sentence is a bit clumsy. Consider this alternative, which should fit into approximately the same space: “The following information assumes the investigators undertake a small amount of research on receiving Elias’ radiogram. However, some players may be eager to meet their old friend, so be prepared to dive into the America chapter as soon as they are ready or if they dispense with research.”

Page 93

In the third graph about Elias Jackson, omit a comma: “…his greatest flaw is that he’s secretive and never discusses…”
Replace the semicolon with a comma: “…feelings of inadequacy characterize death cultists, feelings for which they…” (If you feel it needs a more emphatic turn, an em-dash is fine, but not a semicolon.)
Do you wish to italicize or underline the book titles in this handout? It would look good and, of course, be correct.

In The Smoking Heart entry, your comma should be a semicolon: “…Mayan death cults; the second half concerns…”

At the bottom, omit a comma: “…of New York City and were edited…”

Page 94

See notes for page 93.


Page 95

In handout #5, second column, you’ have a superfluous comma in the first graph.

In handout #6, omit the second comma: “…this time of year and suggested…”


Page 96

You may well know something I don’t about this particular structure, but in handout #9, I can’t understand why “Kikuyu-villager” is combined with a hyphen.


Page 97

In handout #10, final graph, you want a semicolon after “Hypatia Masters.”

In handout #11, you needn’t hyphenate “expertly conducted.” (I think I remember this mistake from previous editions.)

In the final graph of the handout, you don’t need the comma after “several weeks ago.”


Page 100

In graph 2, there’s a semicolon that should be a comma, colon, or em-dash: “…for several months, first to Hong Kong, then to…” Personally, I prefer a comma unless what follows is a long list (colon) or requires special emphasis (em-dash).

I think I suggested a search & replace on “towards” (and other “-wards” words). Since I can’t remember and I spy another several on this page, I mention it again.

Because of the stage of this production, I’ve held off on some general style suggestions, but here’s one that really should be clipped: “heady and intoxicating” is as redundant as it gets. Seldom do you need two adjectives, never when they are this close to being synonyms. Soon after, “sleazy, dark underbelly” would be far more potent as “underbelly,” or, if you must, “dark underbelly.” Getting rid of “sleazy” has the added benefit of losing a comma.

In the second graph, “all can be used to add” would be stronger as “all can add.”

In the graph after ARRIVING IN NEW YORK, “dedicated” and “of its own” are redundant. Nether is entirely accurate, since Newark is in New Jersey, and the strip serves more than New York City. Consider “local” or “convenient” instead.


Page 101

First column, second graph, suggested revision for clarity: “To pitch the investigators straight into the action, however, the Keeper can take a leaf out of the Pulp Cthulhu book and red line journeys to the city. Alternatively, the campaign can begin with everyone already based in New York or having just arrived in response to Jackson Elias’ mysterious summons.”


Page 102

In the first graph, hyphenate “second-largest.”

Page 103

Observation: I see many instances of “largely,” many of which could be omitted or swapped out for a more interesting adverb.

[Incidentally, thanks for including that parenthetical note about Richmond. I was reading another document not long ago and kept asking, “Why don’t they mention Staten Island?” until I realized the nomenclature had changed. I’m sure many other non-residents of NYC will appreciate the tip. Likewise, I love the sidebar on the Manhattan skyline.]

In graph 2, either lose that comma after “five boroughs” or add “it” to “and it is.” In this case, I’d suggest the latter.

Change “the stock market crash which heralds” to “the stock market crash that heralds,” since it’s a restrictive clause. (There have been other crashes.)

If you’re going to use an apostrophe at the top of ‘30s, use the inverted apostrophe: ’30s.

Delete the comma after “opened in 1857.”

Add an article to “a brothel housed in a building shaped…”

The phrase “the turn of the 19th century” will be confusing to many American readers. Britons use the phrase a little differently. It’ll be clearer to write, “the turn of the century.”


Page 104

On the first line, add a comma after “Bronx.”

I notice you’re using superscripted zeros a degree sign, “25⁰C.” Wouldn’t you prefer a proper degree sign? “20°C.”

It’s not wrong, but “amongst” is the British style, while Americans use “among.” (Except, of course, for pretentious D&D players who also insist on spelling “armour” and “grey.”)

Under Ferries, move a modifier: “…such links run only during the day.”

In the final graph, revise a pronoun: “…to avoid their running into Jackson Elias.”


Page 105

I’m not positive whether this one is actually an error, and I’ve given up Googling arcane references for tonight, but it’s at least aesthetically more appealing to present it as "$2.00-5.50 per day.” (I love that fancy dollar sign you’re using.)

I’m not sure whether it’s a legitimate exception (it might be, and the author of this passage might know better than I), but the address of the Alcazar Hotel is the only one with a comma between its number and street name.

At the top of column 2, lose the comma and change “which” to “that.”


Page 106

First graph, hyphenate “working-class backgrounds.”

Also change “amongst” to “among.”

In the sidebar, hyphenate “wood-handled knife” and omit the comma that follows.

Add a word: “such knives—known as pinga or Kulbeda, among other names—are…” Also, why is Kulbeda capitalized? I see it’s a family name, but is that family related to the knife?


Page 107

Last graph of column 1, add a word to reinforce parallel structure and keep the second verb whole: “…appearing to ask more, or to clarify their answers, for as long…”

Page 109

In the first full graph under Joe Corey, lose a comma: “…in a shoulder holster and brass knuckles…”

After Description, lose a comma: “…neatly swept back but breaks loose…”

In the last graph of column 1, lose a comma: “Grey is discreet but tends to panic…”


Page 111

Second column, under Rebecca Shosenburg’s Traits, lose a comma: “…just short of rudeness but becomes...”

While I couldn’t turn up a definitive reference, in the last graph you might want to hyphenate “death-row inmate” since you have a compound adjective before that noun. (I found examples of both hyphenated and non-hyphenated instances, and the hyphenated were from somewhat more distinguished sources.)


Page 113

Near the bottom of column one, swap the semicolon for a comma: “…threatened by Captain Robson

and his men, Robson carefully using…”

Page 114

First column, lose a comma or, preferably, add a conjunction: “…speakeasies as a musician, and he was enjoying…”

Page 115

Last sentence of the first graph needs another comma: “…strongly hinted that, if he stays out of trouble with the police, he’ll be joining…”

In Description, you might want to tidy that text flow beneath the portrait. Also, add a word: “…three-piece suit, and he keeps…”

First full graph under Captain Walter Robson, add a word: “…are simply smugglers, and he is as happy…”

It’s not a significant problem, but the text describes Robson as missing an incisor, while in the portrait he’s missing an eye tooth.

Page 116

Column 2, lose the comma after “cult to Nyarlathotep.”

After Description, move the modifier: “He smiles only when inflicting pain or fear.”


Page 117

In the first full graph for Silas N’Kwane, lose a comma: “…never reveal cult secrets, and actually knows…”

After Description, move the modifier: “He has only a fringe of…”

After Willa Sligh’s Traits, you want a comma after “…for one her age, although…” After that, you can either retain the commas around “like her uncle” or delete them. (It’s acceptable and even good to omit commas around such brief phrases if doing so creates no confusion.)


Page 118

Near the end of the first full graph, delete a comma: “what the investigator knows of him and try to have all the players…”


Page 119

Under The Fire Escape, lose a comma: “…weight of the cultists and shakes…”


Page 120

[I’m curious why you’ve changed the spelling of Faraz Najjar’s name. Was the previous version incorrect?]

[Love the new handouts on the following pages. I wish there were versions without the textures; it’s nice to print them on our own stationary, fold a letter, and perhaps insert it into an addressed and opened envelope for added effect. Perhaps the HPLS versions will provide such variants, but in future Chaosium products, I’d love to see a version of these handouts with text and logos separable for printing on various paper stock.]


Page 125

In the prefatory text, lose the comma after “Carlyle Expedition.”

In the first graph, lose the comma after “minions.”

[Incidentally, I find the direct address of “dear Keeper” both charming and a useful means of avoiding unfortunate constructions like passive voice, as well as making advice to the Keeper sound more natural while allowing for tones from the humorous to the sinister.]

In the first bulleted paragraph in column 1, omit the first two commas.


Page 126

Column 2, near the end of the first graph, lose a comma: “…an African death cult but has otherwise…”



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I hope others who love Masks of Nyarlathotep will jump in to proof. I'll be too busy this weekend, and next week the clock starts on a heavy deadline, so I doubt I'll accomplish much more before the text must be locked down for print.

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Page 47 - The Avatar in the Pyramid

The second paragraph starts off "In the 1650s...".  This date does not jive with the date of the narrative of the Conquistadors.  It should be 1540s and is correct on the handout for the "Carlyle Papers Peru #3".

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I get that the NPC profile pictures are circled in green belts for "good" and red belts for "bad", but there is no actual legend stating that as a convention. Also, the red/green combination provides an extremely poor colour contrast for those with protanopia (red/green colour deficiency). Perhaps red and blue would be better colour choices?

Realistically, I would prefer to do away with those belts altogether as they take up so much of the image. I'd rather have the image size increased for these thumbnails. Also, for those that aren't in the NPC Portraits handouts, having the coloured belts means I can't quickly show the page to players, because they'll be quick to realize that what the difference between the two colours represents.

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Just want to second the problem for those with RED/GREEN colour blindness - RED/BLUE is always a better combo.

Probably too late to make the change now though but please, Chaosium, work this into your procedures somehow for the future.

Edited by groovyclam
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12 hours ago, Dr Mobius said:

Realistically, I would prefer to do away with those belts altogether as they take up so much of the image. I'd rather have the image size increased for these thumbnails. Also, for those that aren't in the NPC Portraits handouts, having the coloured belts means I can't quickly show the page to players, because they'll be quick to realize that what the difference between the two colours represents.

I didn't mention this because it's rather late in the day for such a change, but I too found the darkness of the wide colored belts surrounding the already dark portraits a bit overwhelming. Color-coding adversaries vs. allies seems like a nice idea, but I don't know how useful it is in practice for a Keeper who has presumably read the campaign before play. No fill at all in the frames would suit me down to the ground.

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Page 196 - On the Penhew Foundation:

The address of "The Penhew Foundation is in Central London on Devonshire Street (now Boswell St.), off Theobalds Road (a Bloomsbury address north of Oxford Street and west of the British Museum)" doesn't jive with the "35 Tottenham Court Road" address given on the Carlyle Papers America #2: Penhew Foundation Business Card.

Although there is a real London intersection of Boswell St and Theobalds Road, that location places it *east* of the British Museum. The western placement on the provided maps places it nearer to the intersection of Morwell and Bayley Streets.

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Page 196 - Map of the Penhew Foundation:

Page 53 of the Player Handouts shows the map of the Penhew Foundation minus notations, but the image still shows the red door and trap door in location 2 on the main floor, as well as the secret door at location 2 in the basement and the existence of Gavigan's secret room (location 13). Perhaps these give away too much information?


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Page 211 - The Crates:

"In total, there are 16 crates: eight hold strange and futuristic-looking machine parts, while the rest contain items related to the Cthulhu Mythos."

This leaves eight crates for Mythos items, when in fact, only seven crates are described, and one of those is optional.

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Keeper's Screen

Not a correction, but please consider changing the gray background on the back of the Keeper's screen to white. While some of us have imperfect vision to begin with, it's even harder to reach such text once we've dimmed (or colored) the light for an appropriate ambiance.

Typos: In the last bullet point under INVESTIGATOR DEVELOPMENT, "Key" needs its first quotation mark.

Also, under TRAVEL TIMES IN DAYS, the Egypt row wants a space after "Egypt": "Egypt (Port Said)"


Revise the punctuation: Mahmoud—(Egypt) orphaned eleven-year-old street boy, an expert guide.

You don’t need the semicolon: Najjar, Faraz—(Egypt) dealer of antiquities, known to Roger Carlyle and Warren Besart. (Also, when I copied and pasted this line, I had extra spaces after “Najjar” and “Besart.” That might be nothing but a glitch between your PDF and Word, but you might check it.)

You have an extra full stop and spaces before the em-dash: Vane, Lord Arthur—(England)

Omit the comma (also there appears to be an extra space before the em-dash and in the middle of “daughter,” but that might be a conflict between the PDF and Word: Vane, Eloise—(England) daughter of Sir Arthur Vane and… (Just in case these extra spaces aren’t a glitch, do take a closer look at this doc. There’s something funny going on.)

In the Vane, Lawrence entry, likewise delete the superfluous comma.

After Winfield, Martin, delete the comma after "Expedition."

Wycroft, Mortimer, delete the comma after "Cuncudgerie."

You seem to have an extra soft return before the Choi Mei-ling entry.

In that entry, delete the comma after "Jack Brady."

Endicott, Col. Henry might have an extra space before the em-dash.

There's a missing line return before Fells, Douglas. Fixing the spacing on the previous column might bring this one up and sort out the conflict.





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