Dave

3 minutes ago, sirlarkins said:

Correct--there is no umlaut in the place name. On the map, however, it is spelled with an umlaut.

Aha! Now I see it. I spotted only the key before, one of the dangers of single-page view in PDF docs.

2 hours ago, sirlarkins said:

On the poster map of the city, "Grunewald" is misspelled. (Note lack of ü umlaut.)

Is there an umlaut in the place name? From what I can tell, the umlaut is for the family name, as in Matthias Grünewald, but not, say, Grunewald Forest or the city borough. I've virtually no German, however, so you might have a special insight that my Google skills lack.

I'm one of those who likes to run the game from the PDF, so I don't mind buying only that edition or both print & PDF. That said, for initial reading and browsing, the print editions are lovely artifacts. I just wish they were also more readable.

 

1 hour ago, NotRussellCrowe said:

And surprisingly Babylon Berlin is available in Canada on Netflix so I shall be watching it!

It became available last October, but it just popped up as "new" again because they split it into two seasons. Same content, different numbering.

Incidentally, if you want to get into the mood for this excellent sourcebook, I wholeheartedly recommend reading Jason Lutes' Berlin trilogy of comics and viewing the crazy, uneven, but ultimately glorious Babylon Berlin (available on Netflix).

I love the new editions of classic Call of Cthulhu products, especially the revisions and expansions to the content of classic campaigns. There is one element that I feel is less good than previous editions, however, and that's the readability of the type.

The type is a decent size (for me), but when there's a non-white background, especially one including lines or other darkish elements, it can be a real impediment to reading. Often I've begun reading hardcopy of a recent product and had to give up, going back to the PDF and an enlarged type size or else omitting the background, when the PDF is layered.

I very much enjoy the graphic design of the recent products, but I'd love it if you could ensure that the type appears on white or near-white backgrounds. Even with some of the earlier B&W products, a gray screen that's too dark makes the text difficult to read.

Good call. In my humble opinion, the revision and expansion to the New York chapter makes the new edition worthwhile all by itself. 

24 minutes ago, Steve said:

Is it feasible to run HotOE with just two players? Would they need to run more than one character each and or me supply helpful NPCs?

I think it could work with only two investigators if you don't mind adjusting some of the threats. Having each player run a couple of investigators wouldn't hurt, either, and a helpful NPC is always useful--as long as the players are never sure which NPCs are true allies and which are treacherous infiltrators.  

19 hours ago, Spud said:

I have the original 1990s version.

What extra do I get buying the current PDFs? N.B. I have no problem converting 5th Ed stats to 7th.

Cheers.

In addition to expanded campaign material, the latest edition includes many flashback scenarios that allow the investigators to play the historical events that they otherwise only read in summary. They're excellent scenarios, complete with pregenerated characters. 

There's one more that doesn't appear in the new edition: Reign of Terror, which appears as its own product, complete with a guide to revolutionary France. Highly recommended, and arguably the best of the flashback scenarios.

On 1/16/2019 at 1:49 AM, Addison said:

For those wanting to get a flavour of the setting, as well as a great TV show, I really recommend watching Babylon Berlin. 

I wholeheartedly second this suggestion.

You know, some historical newspaper clippings from this discovery would make an AWESOME supplemental handout.

 

Here's the Shanghai business I was working on before I had to set it aside for a deadline. You'll note a few gaps as I skipped around, but I hope it's useful if there's still time to incorporate it.
 

Page 519

Not the Lovecraft quote, but the precis below it: omit the comma after “against evil.”

In the sidebar, omit the comma after “1920s period.”

At the end of the first graph, the use of a semicolon rather than a comma to introduce “deep one hybrids” should be a comma.

As an aside, too many parenthetical notes can cause speedbumps rather than aids to reading. Generally, I would suggest you use them more sparingly.

Page 520

In the first graph, omit the comma after “September 1924.”

Demote the semicolon to a comma after “Carlyle Expedition dead.”

Change “which” to “that” after “a fact.”

In the second graph, either omit the comma after “sanitarium” or add “he” before “strenuously.”

Speaking of “strenuously,” it seems an odd adverb to apply to “avoids.” Perhaps “strictly” or “conscientiously” would be more appropriate.

Column 2, graph 3, change “towards” to “toward.”

In the next graph, revise the punctuation: “One final if difficult-to-decipher clue could lead…”

After The Carlyle Expedition in Shanghai, omit the comma after “Gray Dragon Island.”

Add a comma after “Great Race in Australia.”

Page 521

Love the maps. The old ones were fine, but these are lovely.

Page 522

Graph 3, omit the comma after “error of some sort).”

Page 523

In the last graph, add a comma after “Australian Oriental Line’s ships.”

Page 524

In graph one, add a comma after “i.e.”

Remove the comma after “although” in “although, kind Keepers.”

Next graph, change “realms of possibility” to “realm of possibility.”

Next graph, change “which had ruled” to “that had ruled.”

Page 525

First graph, move the modifiers: “...could be tried only under…” “…whether or not their crimes were committed in the concessions.”

Under The People, please change that “etc.” to “and so on.”

In the last graph of column 1, please revise that first sentence for clarity by keeping the such/that clause tight: “As a result of several disastrous wars with foreign powers, the collapse of the Ching (Qing) Dynasty, and the rise of the warlords, China’s economy by the 1920s was in such ruin that foreigners of even moderate income could afford opulent possessions and princely living conditions.”

 

Page 526

 

First graph, hyphenate “sought-after.”

In the Green Gang sidebar, second graph, move the modifier: “…the Green Gang could make either a valuable ally…”

Under The Political Climate, first graph, add a word: “Now that the war is over, renewed…”

In the second column, first graph, add a third period to the ellipsis and omit the full stop after “Where is…?”

In the next graph, change “at an absolute pinch” to “in a pinch” to make it more idiomatic to North American usage.

The rest of that sentence has a distant pronoun, so I’d suggest revising the final phrase: “…to convey the intended message.”

Page 530

In the Compradors sidebar, change “amongst” to “among.”

Same graph, hyphenate “number-one.”

In the second graph, omit the comma after “humble comprador.”

In the second graph under Li Wen-Cheng, omit the comma after “without family.”

Under Weather, omit the comma after “wettest time of year.”

Page 531

First graph, omit a comma and the word “equipped” after “female humanoid.”

Second column, first graph, rather than “miss words out” you might want the more idiomatic “leave words out.”

In the following graph, enclose “quite literally” in parentheses to complete the parallel joke established in the previous parentheses.

Page 532

The line return after Isoge Taro, 34, looks peculiar. Consider leaving at least “undercover agent” on that first line before the return.

In the first graph, omit the comma after “last two months undercover” or else add “he” before “has recruited.”

In the fourth graph, omit the word “themselves” to avoid an unnecessary nouns-pronoun disagreement.

Page 533

In the first full graph under Lin Yenyu, demote the semicolon after “share their secrets to a comma” or change it to an em-dash. Alternatively, revise the phrase after the semicolon to an independent clause.

 

XXX

Page 622

Under EXTENDING THE CAMPAIGN, change the question mark to a full stop after “Perhaps the story continues.”

“Put paid” is an unfamiliar expression to most North American readers.

Final graph, omit the comma after “in his lifetime.”

Likewise after “an old man.”

Page 623

Under Revenge Most Foul, lowercase “high priest” after the colon.

 

XXX

Page 648

Column 2, graph 2, omit the comma after “rituals of the Order of the Bloated Woman.”

 

On 8/28/2018 at 10:10 PM, Dr Mobius said:

Well, that seems to be it for me. I'm quite sure I didn't hit every spelling or grammar mistake, but I tried to get the obvious errors that might cause confusion while running the campaign.

This was a wonderful update to a fantastic adventure. Great job in bringing it up to 7th edition.

 

You did a great job, Doc. I'm impressed by how many and what type of issues you caught.

Agreed, it's a fantastic revision of the classic. I'll run the Peru chapter (and "The God of Mitnal" from the Companion) at a little convention in October in anticipating of launching the entire campaign early next year. Maybe this time we'll make it to the end!

I have a little more already proofed but not posted. Are we out of time? If not, I'll at least try to wrap Shanghai.

5 hours ago, Dr Mobius said:

Page 542 - Carlyle Papers China #3

"The victims were identified as Miss Reparita Wong,"

This name seems to go against the naming conventions outlined on page 519. And since she is later referred to as "Miss Wong", the conventions on that page imply that she should be referred to as "Miss Wong Reparita".

 

 

Mike might have a different answer for this, but I believe Chinese who adopt a non-Chinese first name, like Andy Lau, John Woo, or Jackie Chan, use the European order of surname-family name. (In contrast to, say, Chow Yun-fat or Zhang Yimou.) While it's most obvious to us today in the names of film and music stars, I wouldn't be surprised to learn it's a custom dating back as far as European invasion of Hong Kong and other regions.

Any Chinese readers able to shed light on this phenomenon?

To fellow Keepers who desire more historical background for the Shanghai portion of Masks of Nyarlathotep, I recommend Laszlo Montgomery's China History Podcast (https://teacup.media/ and also available at iTunes). Much of what I know about 20th Century China comes from, or was reinforced by, this delightful series.

Reading the new version of the China chapter also brought to mind Taras Grescoe's Shanghai Grand. It'll be more useful to those playing in the 30s, but it's full of wonderful real-life characters and anecdotes you might be able to fold into your games. 

Who else can recommend some historical references? Bonus Sanity for suggesting resources in audio format.

Apparently I proofed a bit of the London chapter before I got busy. I'll post it rather than leave it in the Word doc, where I'm likely to forget it if I get busy.

 

Page 177

“London’s fog and gloom reap harrowing returns…”

“…all-but-untouchable…”

Rather than “travel to,” consider simply “visit.”

In graph 2, add a comma: “…are friendly, and its street signs…”

In column 2, second line, you don’t need the commas around “ideally,” but they aren’t wrong. For clarity and rhythm, I encourage you to omit these optional commas, as I’ve noted elsewhere when they’ve been more obstructive.

Column 2, graph two, add a comma: “…(The Safe, page 347, Egypt), and a picture of the…”

In the penultimate graph, at the end of the first line, you have an unusual straight apostrophe in lieu of the more voluptuous apostrophes used everywhere else (unless I’ve missed others). Rather than “Elias'

murder scene” it should be “Elias’ murder scene.”

 

Page 178

Third graph, add a comma: “…all the stops, and within the space…”

Column 2, graph 2, add a comma: “…about the journalist, and Elias was marked…”

 

Page 179

Graph one, optionally for a little air and for succinctness, choose “contact” or “interview” rather than “contact and interview.” If it’s truly meant to be both, then “interview does the job.” If it’s either, then “contact.” In any event, deleting one will relax the paragraph visually.

Second graph, add a comma after “make their own choices.”

Same graph, omit the comma after “horrible enough.”

In the bulleted items that follow, omit the commas after “Penhew Foundation” and “Henson Manufacturing (page 262).”

In the next graph, the phrase “at a pinch” is not idiomatic in American English, but “in a pinch” is fine.

It’s style rather than nuts and bolts, but you could make the first sentence after PULP CONSIDERATIONS more dynamic by revising “that can easily be dialed up” to “that you can easily dial up.” You use direct address often enough that the change won’t be the least bit obtrusive.

In the same graph, you could lose the parentheses and introduce that phrase with a comma instead: “…establish local tensions, which should be…”

I can understand why you might think you need a semicolon in the next graph, but since the phrase that includes a comma is the second one, it’s not necessary. A comma will do: “…usurp humanity, the other a victim…” You should even lose that following comma: “…of a curse who could pose…”

The simplest way to improve the next paragraph is with a full stop: “…An American Werewolf in London (1981). For the Chelsea Serpent, look to…”

Add a comma: “…classic horror tropes, and the Keeper…”

[Whenever you are making a choice between direct address and a passive construction like “The Keeper is advised,” the author is advised to recall that direct address is more compelling. The only good time to choose the latter is when circumstances demand a callback to the archaic style.

You don’t need quotation marks around “have at it!”

Nor do you need them around “prepared” a few graphs later.

In the second graph after FIREARMS IN THE UNITED KINGDOM, a long phrase makes the sentence a trifle difficult to parse on first scan. Maybe instead: “Officials question travelers found with firearms about their reasons for visiting…”

In the final graph, lose the commas: “Clever investigators who plan ahead may discover…”

 

Page 180

Revise punctuation and a few words for subject-verb agreement: “Shotguns are not considered firearms under British law, so they do not require firearms certificates and may be brought into the country “for hunting game” without undue red tape.” [“Officialdom” is a splendid word, but it isn’t quite right in this context unless you rephrase the sentence.]

In the Pulp sidebar, the pronoun-antecedent disagreement is easy to avoid: delete the word “their” and it makes the same sense.

 

Page 204

Why are Gavigan’s winnings expressed in dollars rather than pounds? (I suppose consistency is useful in game terms, but this expression threw me for a moment.)
 

I had a little breather between turning over my last gig and starting the next, so I did a little more proofing. I'll probably jump ahead to Shanghai, so if you're joining us in this quest, please consider focusing on the middle chapters first.

 

Page 153

In graph 3, hyphenate “tried-and-tested.”

“Put the frighteners on” is a uniquely British idiom. I believe most North American readers will understand the slang in context, even if it is a bit of a speedbump, but if you want a more North American idiom, you might use “put the fear of God into them.”

Column 2, graph one, omit the comma after “speak with him.”

Omit another one after “as subtly as possible.”

Graph 4, omit the comma after “early days.” Incidentally, “early days” is another of those British expressions that won’t sound natural to most North American ears, although most readers will suss it out by context.

Omit the comma after “Ju-Ju House.”

 

Page 154

Under Asking the Locals, and only if you care to tighten the kerning, change “that mentioned by Millie Adams” to “the one mentioned by Millie Adams.”

Column 2, at the end of the keeper note, omit “or not” at the end of the sentence. (The reason for this is twofold: it’s redundant to “regardless,” and it’s more elegant, when needed, as part of the unified phrase, “whether or not.”

Under The Pawnshop, either omit the first comma or add a second “if” before “the investigators prefer.”

This paragraph looks awfully tight, and that final pair of clauses aren’t parallel. I suggest this revision:

If talking to the tenement residents isn’t working, or if the investigators prefer to observe for themselves, they have two options: they can find a convenient window from which to watch (the tenants say nothing as long as the investigators aren’t disruptive or obviously doing something to attract adverse attention), or they can attempt to use the abandoned pawn shop as a base from which to spy on Ju-Ju House.

In the next graph, after the parentheses, add a full stop and start a new sentence: “Because the entrance is on the main street, any noisy…”

In the penultimate graph, revise: “N’Kwane is informed immediately, and he passes…”

Much as I dislike the singular “they,” it’s consistent and clear in the final graph. If it ends up being the only one in the book, you might consider changing it. Otherwise, it works and doesn’t need fixing.

 

Page 155

In the second graph, omit the comma after “African-Americans.”

I note with admiration the use of an en-dash in the range of minutes.

The phrase “of some description” is utterly superfluous. It’s the sort of phrase you might use in dialogue to demonstrate personality, but you never need it. It’s empty.

Hyphenate “Mythos-related.”

In the next graph, do not hyphenate “smartly-dressed.” (You needn’t hyphenate adverbs that end in -ly. Yet it would be “smart-dressed” if you wore a long beard and played fuzzy guitar.)

One doesn’t really wear a gun so much as carry it. I’d revise: “…that he is carrying a gun beneath his suit jacket.”

Make “pay-off” one word, without the hyphen: “payoff.”

Column 2, second bullet item, omit the comma after “Bloody Tongue.”

In the final parenthetical note, omit the words “this being.”

In the next graph, omit the comma after “as the target.”

Consider changing “they are alone” to “the investigator is alone.”

Consider revising the first sentence of the final graph: “If they have been inside the tiny shop, then anyone

watching dozens of cultists enter Ju-Ju House realizes that there must be a connection to another room or

a basement large enough to hold all the visitors.”

 

Page 156

Revise the first graph: “Should the investigators take a more direct approach or blunder into Ju-Ju House…”

Omit the comma after “curtained.”

In the last graph of column 1, add a comma after “raises his suspicions.”

Omit the comma after “the investigators have to say.”

“Rumbles” might be a little slangy for many North American readers. (Personally, I like it and feel it’s worth the minor speed-bump.)

At the top of column 2, you’ve got a “who” that should be whom. If you want to be a stickler, like me, revise it thusly: “…to see where else they go and to whom they talk.”

The last graph before INTO THE DEPTHS looks a bit tight in the middle. Maybe delete “the” before “weekly payments” and/or change “hardly conclusive” to “not conclusive.”

After INTO THE DEPTHS, change “on” to “of” in “consists purely of one level.”

 

Page 157

Near the top of the first column, add a comma after “if this is a meeting night.” If you’re feeling elegant, use a semicolon instead, delete “but,” and add a comma after “otherwise.”

After The Basement, revise the first phrase: “The locked door at the end…”

Revise the third sentence into several: “Obtaining the key from around Silas N’Kwane’s neck is the easiest way to open the door. Otherwise, two investigators can combine their STR or SIZ against the STR 160 door, reducing the door’s STR to decrease the difficulty per Physical Human Limits, page 88, Call of Cthulhu Rulebook. Alternatively, a successful…”

Revise the penultimate sentence: “… the appropriate tools (a screwdriver, hammer, and so on).”

Under Guards of the Sacrificial Chamber, here’s my suggested revision:

Four ciimba, the Kikuyu equivalent of zombies (see Ciimba, page 173), wait in M’Dari’s alcove and watch over the chamber. M’Dari created these strong creatures to guard his treasures. All are mutilated victims of cult murders. With their intestines dangling and their foreheads incised with the cult rune, seeing them provokes a Sanity roll (0/1D8 loss). If the investigators led cultists to Millie Adams and they killed her, then she is one of the four ciimba on guard here (at the Keeper’s discretion, her presence increases the Sanity loss by +1D2 points).

In the next graph, change “whoever” to “whomever.”

Also omit the comma after “chamber.”

Change “further” to “farther.”

 

Page 157

Correct the spelling of “chronometer.”

In the second graph of column 2, you seem to be equating runes with hieroglyphs, when especially in a game like Call of Cthulhu they are distinctly different things.

Two graphs later, the same thing: runes and cuneiform aren’t the same. Perhaps instead of “runes,” use “characters” or “figures.”

Also, American standard is “gray,” not “grey.”

You can omit the comma after “warm.”

In the keeper note, revise: “…not only that the writing is Senzar, the lost language…”

On a game-elated note: Does the headband protect one who hasn’t attacked the particular nightgaunt he currently faces or any nightgaunt ever? Might be worth clarifying.

In the next keeper note, change “it is identical” to “the chronometer is identical.”

 

Page 159

In graph 1, revise the second sentence: “Dangling from the poles are leather thongs used to hold the wrists of sacrificial victims.”

Make “crow bar” one word: “crowbar.”

In the second graph after The Chakota, consider deleting “sickly” and its comma to avoid the unintentional internal rhyme and improve the rhythm.

Omit the comma after “mobile.”

At the end of graph 4, you can omit the final parentheses.

Column 2, paragraph 2, add a comma after “raised from the Chakota pit.”

Omit the comma after “with the victims.”

Add a “they” to “…in the sacrificial chamber, and they have a hard time…”

 

Page 160

Under Capturing Evidence, let’s untangle the nested parentheses with a pair of em-dashes:

Photographs of the ciimba, the sacrificial chamber, and the chakota—requiring a successful Hard Art/Craft (Photography) skill roll due to the poor lighting—are also a possibility.

In the last graph of column 1, “if needs must” is a British expression. Again, not a particularly opaque one, but if you want simple clarity, consider “if he must.”

Column 1, graph one, near the end, add a comma: “…will be executed for the murders, and other cults…”

Under CONCLUSION, second sentence: “Whether or not they are successful, the investigators…”

There’s some redundancy in the sentence I’d suggest revising this way: “They may or may not have saved the life of an innocent man and brought their friend’s murderers to justice, but their lives will never be the same again.”

Change “which” to “that”: “…vast conspiracy that confronts them…”

Same again later in the graph: “…fortune that their late friend…”

In the Pulp sidebar, hyphenate “far-off.”

 

Page 162

You’ve italicized ciimba earlier, so for consistency you should do so near the bottom of column 1.

 

I have not proofed the NPC and monster pages. I hope someone else will give them a look, as I suspect Dr. Mobius has done.

 

On 7/27/2018 at 5:26 AM, Dr Mobius said:

Page 398 - Graphic of the train attack

"Taan Kauer attacks the investigators with summoned fire vampires"

Taan Kaur's name has been misspelled.

 

Keep up the great work, Doctor. I'll rejoin you when I'm done with my current deadline.

Please don't feel that since I've covered a page it doesn't need another set of eyes. I'm sure I'm missing things, and I won't be surprised to find I've inserted a few new typos  in my haste.

 

Page 127

In the first sentence, you can (and probably should) delete “but” after the semicolon.

In column 2, graph 2, delete “either” before “Jonah Kensington.” It’s a fine point, but the subject of the main clause is “the two men,” and “either” indicates only one of them.

In the first full graph after THE READING OF THE WILL, add a word to the last sentence: “…and he will track them down…” (It’s not wrong as-is, just a little sharper with a main clause rather than a verb phrase at the end.)

In the next graph, add a comma after “simply decorated.”

Delete the hyphen in “time-sharing.”

 

Page 128

In the penultimate bullet-point item, delete the comma after “special skills.”

Column 2, third full paragraph, delete the comma after “Carlyle Expedition”: “…had massacred the Carlyle Expedition but that not all…”

In the next graph, first sentence, delete the comma after “may be alive.”

In the next graph, delete the comma after “unbelievable things.”

Delete the comma after “timetable.”

 

Page 128

Near the end of the first graph, demote the semicolon to a comma.

 

Page 132

First full graph, delete the comma after “local newspaper.”

You can also lose the phrase “in order” in the last sentence.

In the penultimate graph of column one, delete the comma after “mistreated Erica.”

Next graph, delete comma after “in her household.”

 

Page 133

Second graph, delete comma after “wake up screaming.”

In the same sentence, change the semicolon to an em-dash.

Column 2, first line, delete the comma after “introducing them.”

Revise the sentence that follows: “Her brother began to disappear for days, only to turn up wild-eyed and

crazed, saying only that he had been to Harlem.”

In the Sir Aubrey Penhew note, delete the comma after “nothing of him.”

 

Page 134

After Jack “Brass” Brady, delete the comma after “loyal to Roger.”

In the first full graph, there’s no reason for that awkward “they.” Simply revise it this way: “Keepers may wish to include select pieces…”

 

Page 135

Final graph in column 2, lose the comma after “look presentable.”

(There are a couple of superfluous commas in the handout on this page, but I figure errors like that only make handwritten notes more authentic, and they don’t harm the meaning of the piece.)

 

Page 136

After Meeting Dr. Lemming, second sentence, delete a comma after “delighted to see them.”

“Amongst” is British preference, while “among” is plain old American standard. I see others follow, and perhaps I noted some earlier, so a careful search and replace might be in order.

[Incidentally, I admire the additions of supplemental bridges to clues like Dr. Lemming. Well done.]

In the penultimate graph of column 2, lose the comma after “interoffice mail.”

 

Page 137

Again, some minor punctuation errors in the handout, which I presume you wish to retain for the authenticity.

 

Page 138

In the first graph, the introductory phrase is just long enough that you probably want a comma after “…if the investigators outstay their welcome…”

In the next graph, there’s an awkward bit of punctuation that could be sorted in two ways. Here’s my suggestion: “Cowles says he also received MacWhirr’s diary (Carlyle Papers Australia #1). Should the investigators ask to see it, he sighs…”

In the same graph, consider deleting “Australia” before the parenthetical note that also includes “Australia.” It’ll be more concise, and you’re in no danger of confusion here.

Presumably Professor Cowles has more than one friend, so let’s delete the comma before “David Dodge” in “his friend David Dodge.”

In the Keeper note, delete the comma after “once existed.”

In the graph that follows, there are two solutions, but my suggestion is to add “he” to “…R’lyeh, and he finds…”

At the top of column 2, delete the comma after “are reliable.”

Delete the comma after “his colleague.”

It’s a fine point indeed, but the last sentence in this graph would be smoother if you moved “than Cowles” to follow “even more use.” Thus: “…he would be of even more use than Cowles during an expedition into the Australian desert.”

In the final graph, lose the comma after “skin crawl.”

Page 139

First full graph, lose the comma before “…or may already know.”

It’s mild, but you could avoid potential confusion in the final sentence of graph 3 by revising it thus: “As the investigators venture to other countries, more information concerning M’Weru may come to the surface.” If you need to make up space, kill “about her” at the end of the previous sentence.

In the Keeper note, delete the comma after “passed on in conversation.”

Near the bottom of column 1, delete the comma after “when he was 18.”

 

Also delete the comma after “from Groton.”

 

In the third full bulleted item on column two, “himself” should be “him.” (If you ever want a rant, buy me three drinks and ask me why this is so, and why servers need a primer on pronouns and lingering sexism.)

In the next bullet item, there are again two solutions, but I suggest this: “…forthright and friendly, and he was…”

“Nebulous and secretive” is one of those redundant phrases that would be far stronger as “nebulous.”

 

Page 140

In the sidebar, final graph, lose the comma add a couple of words: “$90 each and establishes that her relationship with…” (“Relations” has sexual connotations that “relationship” avoids.)’

Lose the comma after “fine character.” Also, to avoid shifting tense, change “notes” to “noted.”

At the top of column 2, lose the comma after “(and his wife).”

In the last bulleted item for Huston, the second sentence has a wobbly “this.” Is the controversy about the nature of his records or because they were turned over? Clarify.

Also, lose the comma after “have not been destroyed” or revise the sentence.

After SIR AUBREY, you can lose the comma after “1898.”

I think I mentioned en-dashes earlier. You’ve used them recently in date ranges, so you should also use them here instead of hyphens.

 

Page 141

Again, I won’t mention the punctuation in the handout. I barely glanced at the handouts, so someone else might wish to look at the more closely.

 

Page 142

Near the top of column 1, hyphenate “then-little-known.” You also don’t need the comma after “several years in Egypt.”

Lose a comma and add a word: “…branches of Egyptology and for making several…”

In the next bullet item, add a pronoun: “…and it is responsible…”

In the penultimate bullet item, lose the comma after “incontestably wealthy.”

An heir is a person, so you might consider revising the middle sentence of the last bullet item for Penhew.

After HYPATIA CELESTINE MASTERS, second bullet item, lose the comma after “chief executives.”

After JACK BRADY, in the third bullet item, lose the comma after “after the war.”

In the next bullet item, lost the comma after “fight.”

 

Page 143

The kerning on the first full paragraph looks strange. I’ll suggest a few words to cut to give it some air. The first sentence could use some clarity anyway. Here’s my version: “Its earliest white inhabitants abandoned Harlem as Italian and Jewish refugees flocked to the neighborhood toward the end of the 19^th century.”

Lose the comma after “…and West Harlem).”

At the top of column two, revise the last phrase of the first graph: “...although the paper stopped short of advocating violence in return.” (I recognize that “though” is an acceptable contraction of “although,” but sometimes it just sounds wrong. This is one of those times. I’ve withheld comment on a few earlier instances that didn’t “sound” quite so odd to my editorial ear. In any event, adding “the paper” makes either word work better here.)

In the third graph, invert the apostrophe before ’30s. It’s also cool to omit it, if you do so consistently.

Change “amongst” to “among.”

In the ORGANIZED CRIME sidebar, lose the comma just before “who controlled” and the one just before “Owny Madden.”

At the end of the sidebar, the parenthetical note on the types of crimes committed by the white gangs seems like a non-sequitur after the word “territories.”

 

Page 145

In the Keeper note, for clarity you should add “if they” before “go straight to Ju-Ju House.” I suggest further revising the first sentence:

Keeper note: although An Innocent Man is not technically a sidetrack scenario, investigators may circumvent it if they ignore the links between Jackson Elias’ death and Hilton Adams’ wrongful arrest. Likewise, they may miss it by going straight to Ju-Ju House after talking to Arthur Emerson (Emerson Imports, page 138) or Dr. Lemming (Meeting Dr. Lemming, page 136).

In column 2, “neat and orderly” is one of those phrases. “Orderly” can do the job alone.

Near the end of that first graph, lose the comma after “openly pleased.”

 

Page 146

In the ON THE STREETS sidebar, add a period after the final “Jr.”

In the Keeper note, add a word for clarity: “…questioning him about this investigation reveals…”

Also lose the comma after “role.”

In the next graph, revise the first sentence into two with simpler punctuation (which is more than okay because the modifying phrases are so short): “Although she has not been able to find concrete evidence,

Shosenburg believes that Robson is at best incompetent and at worst corrupt. She suspects he may be responsible for framing Hilton Adams. Her theories support what Lt. Pool may have told…”

In the middle of the last graph in this column, there’s another big sentence that could use revision. Here’s my suggestion:

With Adams’ execution looming ever nearer, the investigators’ motives for looking into the case are not important to Shosenburg. If there’s a chance they can scare up something that could either prove Robson’s corruption—thereby casting doubt on the safety of Adams’ conviction—or else discover the real culprit, she’ll take it.

Previous Keeper notes have had an extra line return before and after. This one is snug, I imagine to avoid the column break, but if deleting a few words in the previous long graph can give you the space, I suggest you take it for consistency. A good candidate for deletion is the long, unnecessary phrase, “if they would like to speak to him directly.”

“As far as they can tell, they are—unless, of course, the investigators have already alerted N’Kwane and M’Dari to their investigations. In that case, if the investigators fail a group Luck roll, then a cult spy is lurking within earshot.”

(While I think it’ll be okay, the term “stalls” is not common in North American usage for describing that area of the theater. Alas, there isn’t a succinct alternative other than “main floor.” “Stalls” is by far the nicer term, but I suspect it’ll be lost on many readers, who might imagine something entirely different from your intent.)

Page 147

Revise: “Keeper note: whether or not the investigators spot an eavesdropper, Millie Adams is now in danger. If the investigators spot and chase a cultist before Millie has a chance to talk to them, she flees home and writes what she knows, posting it to Shosenburg…”

Soon after, add a comma: “…Millie’s fate is sealed, and she will be…”

Column 2, first full graph after the note, you can delete the commas around “understandably.”

Move a modifying phrase and revise the final sentence: “…she’s worked there as a musician and singer since it opened. Until she took the measure of the investigators, she wasn’t going to invite them into her home.”

Under What Millie Adams Knows, move a modifier: “…confide to her everything he knew…” Also, delete the distant instance of “to her.”

Revise the first bulleted item: “…from the saloon where they all hung out (Teddy’s, two blocks…”

Revise: “Keeper note: Millie can direct investigators wanting to Hilton’s Friends (The Good Friends of Hilton Adams?, page 149).”

 

Page 148

In the first full bulleted paragraph, change “Her Husband” to “Hilton” since you don’t mention Millie’s name nearby. The next instance is fine, since there’s a “Millie” preceding it.

In the next bulleted graph, “The group” could be confusing. If you change “activities” to “investigations,” it’s clear you’re not talking about the cult.

In the next bulleted graph, again change “her husband’s” to “Hilton’s.” Later, delete the comma after “…operating in Harlem.”

In the next, delete the comma after “his friend.”

In the last graph of column one, move a modifier: “They had only enough to pay for the trial…”

If you must use “i.e.,” follow it with a comma. I don’t think the parenthetical example is necessary, however.

In the next graph, there’s a semicolon that wants to be an em-dash: “…during daylight hours—not necessarily unusual…”

In the following graph, change “she looks distinctly” to “Millie looks distinctly.”

Delete a comma after “shop directly.”

In the next graph, delete a couple of commas: “…that she too may become a victim…”

After Next Steps, delete the comma after “on Millie Adams.”

 

Page 149

Near the top of column 2, move a modifier: “…she has met them only once or twice…”

In the second graph, delete the commas around “though comfortably.”

Revise the last graph: “As long as the investigators go to Teddy’s at the end of the work day, asking at the bar for any of the men named by Millie Adams results in one of two responses:”

 

Page 150

First column, third graph: “…and each has his reasons…” Later, delete “their” from in front of “job security, family safety…”

First column, last graph, hyphenate “cover-up.”

Column 2, first full graph, delete “But,” to leave “As they go to leave, Jackie Wallace…”

Much of the Keeper note is wordy and unclear. I suggest a revision like this: “In their eyes, unless one of the investigators is from Harlem or has close personal ties to the neighborhood, they are expendable when it comes to taking on Captain Robson, driving out the Bloody Tongue, and freeing Hilton Adams. When dealing with locals, the investigators are on their own unless they can come up with a solution that permits the locals to take part without endangering themselves or their families, at which point they will give the investigators what support they can.”

In the last graph, move “at gunpoint” to follow “by prisoners.”

 

Page 151

In the first graph, correct the spelling to “its.”

Fourth graph, demote the semicolon after “opportunity” to a comma.

Second column, first bulleted item, if you want a little more air for the kerning, consider deleting “really” and “than that.” If you still need more, deep-six “a lot.”

 

Page 152

First bulleted graph, revise: “Following Mordecai Lemming’s pronouncements in the press about an African death cult, Hilton and friends found mention…

Near the end of that graph, revise: “Even though the shop had been there for years,

something about the place gave Hilton the creeps.”

Rather than the hyphen between “30s-early 40s” (which should be an en-dash, anyway), consider writing it “30s and early 40s.”

Column 2, final graph, move “off” to follow “tipped”: “Even if they have already tipped off…”

 

Keeper's Screen

Not a correction, but please consider changing the gray background on the back of the Keeper's screen to white. While some of us have imperfect vision to begin with, it's even harder to reach such text once we've dimmed (or colored) the light for an appropriate ambiance.

Typos: In the last bullet point under INVESTIGATOR DEVELOPMENT, "Key" needs its first quotation mark.

Also, under TRAVEL TIMES IN DAYS, the Egypt row wants a space after "Egypt": "Egypt (Port Said)"

KEY NON-PLAYER CHARACTERS

Revise the punctuation: Mahmoud—(Egypt) orphaned eleven-year-old street boy, an expert guide.

You don’t need the semicolon: Najjar, Faraz—(Egypt) dealer of antiquities, known to Roger Carlyle and Warren Besart. (Also, when I copied and pasted this line, I had extra spaces after “Najjar” and “Besart.” That might be nothing but a glitch between your PDF and Word, but you might check it.)

You have an extra full stop and spaces before the em-dash: Vane, Lord Arthur—(England)

Omit the comma (also there appears to be an extra space before the em-dash and in the middle of “daughter,” but that might be a conflict between the PDF and Word: Vane, Eloise—(England) daughter of Sir Arthur Vane and… (Just in case these extra spaces aren’t a glitch, do take a closer look at this doc. There’s something funny going on.)

In the Vane, Lawrence entry, likewise delete the superfluous comma.

After Winfield, Martin, delete the comma after "Expedition."

Wycroft, Mortimer, delete the comma after "Cuncudgerie."

You seem to have an extra soft return before the Choi Mei-ling entry.

In that entry, delete the comma after "Jack Brady."

Endicott, Col. Henry might have an extra space before the em-dash.

There's a missing line return before Fells, Douglas. Fixing the spacing on the previous column might bring this one up and sort out the conflict.

 

 

 

 

12 hours ago, Dr Mobius said:

Realistically, I would prefer to do away with those belts altogether as they take up so much of the image. I'd rather have the image size increased for these thumbnails. Also, for those that aren't in the NPC Portraits handouts, having the coloured belts means I can't quickly show the page to players, because they'll be quick to realize that what the difference between the two colours represents.

I didn't mention this because it's rather late in the day for such a change, but I too found the darkness of the wide colored belts surrounding the already dark portraits a bit overwhelming. Color-coding adversaries vs. allies seems like a nice idea, but I don't know how useful it is in practice for a Keeper who has presumably read the campaign before play. No fill at all in the frames would suit me down to the ground.

I hope others who love Masks of Nyarlathotep will jump in to proof. I'll be too busy this weekend, and next week the clock starts on a heavy deadline, so I doubt I'll accomplish much more before the text must be locked down for print.

Page 91

Column 1, graph 2, omit a comma and move a modifier: “…not seen him for years and kept in touch

only through occasional correspondence.”

 

Page 92

After the Keeper note, revise the second sentence: “She can supply useful information and confirm the newspaper reports…”

 

The last sentence is a bit clumsy. Consider this alternative, which should fit into approximately the same space: “The following information assumes the investigators undertake a small amount of research on receiving Elias’ radiogram. However, some players may be eager to meet their old friend, so be prepared to dive into the America chapter as soon as they are ready or if they dispense with research.”

Page 93

In the third graph about Elias Jackson, omit a comma: “…his greatest flaw is that he’s secretive and never discusses…”
Replace the semicolon with a comma: “…feelings of inadequacy characterize death cultists, feelings for which they…” (If you feel it needs a more emphatic turn, an em-dash is fine, but not a semicolon.)
Do you wish to italicize or underline the book titles in this handout? It would look good and, of course, be correct.

In The Smoking Heart entry, your comma should be a semicolon: “…Mayan death cults; the second half concerns…”

At the bottom, omit a comma: “…of New York City and were edited…”
 

Page 94

See notes for page 93.

 

Page 95

In handout #5, second column, you’ have a superfluous comma in the first graph.

In handout #6, omit the second comma: “…this time of year and suggested…”

 

Page 96

You may well know something I don’t about this particular structure, but in handout #9, I can’t understand why “Kikuyu-villager” is combined with a hyphen.

 

Page 97

In handout #10, final graph, you want a semicolon after “Hypatia Masters.”

In handout #11, you needn’t hyphenate “expertly conducted.” (I think I remember this mistake from previous editions.)

In the final graph of the handout, you don’t need the comma after “several weeks ago.”

 

Page 100

In graph 2, there’s a semicolon that should be a comma, colon, or em-dash: “…for several months, first to Hong Kong, then to…” Personally, I prefer a comma unless what follows is a long list (colon) or requires special emphasis (em-dash).

I think I suggested a search & replace on “towards” (and other “-wards” words). Since I can’t remember and I spy another several on this page, I mention it again.

Because of the stage of this production, I’ve held off on some general style suggestions, but here’s one that really should be clipped: “heady and intoxicating” is as redundant as it gets. Seldom do you need two adjectives, never when they are this close to being synonyms. Soon after, “sleazy, dark underbelly” would be far more potent as “underbelly,” or, if you must, “dark underbelly.” Getting rid of “sleazy” has the added benefit of losing a comma.

In the second graph, “all can be used to add” would be stronger as “all can add.”

In the graph after ARRIVING IN NEW YORK, “dedicated” and “of its own” are redundant. Nether is entirely accurate, since Newark is in New Jersey, and the strip serves more than New York City. Consider “local” or “convenient” instead.

 

Page 101

First column, second graph, suggested revision for clarity: “To pitch the investigators straight into the action, however, the Keeper can take a leaf out of the Pulp Cthulhu book and red line journeys to the city. Alternatively, the campaign can begin with everyone already based in New York or having just arrived in response to Jackson Elias’ mysterious summons.”

 

Page 102

In the first graph, hyphenate “second-largest.”
 

Page 103

Observation: I see many instances of “largely,” many of which could be omitted or swapped out for a more interesting adverb.

[Incidentally, thanks for including that parenthetical note about Richmond. I was reading another document not long ago and kept asking, “Why don’t they mention Staten Island?” until I realized the nomenclature had changed. I’m sure many other non-residents of NYC will appreciate the tip. Likewise, I love the sidebar on the Manhattan skyline.]

In graph 2, either lose that comma after “five boroughs” or add “it” to “and it is.” In this case, I’d suggest the latter.

Change “the stock market crash which heralds” to “the stock market crash that heralds,” since it’s a restrictive clause. (There have been other crashes.)

If you’re going to use an apostrophe at the top of ‘30s, use the inverted apostrophe: ’30s.

Delete the comma after “opened in 1857.”

Add an article to “a brothel housed in a building shaped…”

The phrase “the turn of the 19^th century” will be confusing to many American readers. Britons use the phrase a little differently. It’ll be clearer to write, “the turn of the century.”

 

Page 104

On the first line, add a comma after “Bronx.”

I notice you’re using superscripted zeros a degree sign, “25⁰C.” Wouldn’t you prefer a proper degree sign? “20°C.”

It’s not wrong, but “amongst” is the British style, while Americans use “among.” (Except, of course, for pretentious D&D players who also insist on spelling “armour” and “grey.”)

Under Ferries, move a modifier: “…such links run only during the day.”

In the final graph, revise a pronoun: “…to avoid their running into Jackson Elias.”

 

Page 105

I’m not positive whether this one is actually an error, and I’ve given up Googling arcane references for tonight, but it’s at least aesthetically more appealing to present it as "$2.00-5.50 per day.” (I love that fancy dollar sign you’re using.)

I’m not sure whether it’s a legitimate exception (it might be, and the author of this passage might know better than I), but the address of the Alcazar Hotel is the only one with a comma between its number and street name.

At the top of column 2, lose the comma and change “which” to “that.”

 

Page 106

First graph, hyphenate “working-class backgrounds.”

Also change “amongst” to “among.”

In the sidebar, hyphenate “wood-handled knife” and omit the comma that follows.

Add a word: “such knives—known as pinga or Kulbeda, among other names—are…” Also, why is Kulbeda capitalized? I see it’s a family name, but is that family related to the knife?

 

Page 107

Last graph of column 1, add a word to reinforce parallel structure and keep the second verb whole: “…appearing to ask more, or to clarify their answers, for as long…”
 

Page 109

In the first full graph under Joe Corey, lose a comma: “…in a shoulder holster and brass knuckles…”

After Description, lose a comma: “…neatly swept back but breaks loose…”

In the last graph of column 1, lose a comma: “Grey is discreet but tends to panic…”

 

Page 111

Second column, under Rebecca Shosenburg’s Traits, lose a comma: “…just short of rudeness but becomes...”

While I couldn’t turn up a definitive reference, in the last graph you might want to hyphenate “death-row inmate” since you have a compound adjective before that noun. (I found examples of both hyphenated and non-hyphenated instances, and the hyphenated were from somewhat more distinguished sources.)

 

Page 113

Near the bottom of column one, swap the semicolon for a comma: “…threatened by Captain Robson

and his men, Robson carefully using…”

Page 114

First column, lose a comma or, preferably, add a conjunction: “…speakeasies as a musician, and he was enjoying…”
 

Page 115

Last sentence of the first graph needs another comma: “…strongly hinted that, if he stays out of trouble with the police, he’ll be joining…”

In Description, you might want to tidy that text flow beneath the portrait. Also, add a word: “…three-piece suit, and he keeps…”

First full graph under Captain Walter Robson, add a word: “…are simply smugglers, and he is as happy…”

It’s not a significant problem, but the text describes Robson as missing an incisor, while in the portrait he’s missing an eye tooth.

Page 116

Column 2, lose the comma after “cult to Nyarlathotep.”

After Description, move the modifier: “He smiles only when inflicting pain or fear.”

 

Page 117

In the first full graph for Silas N’Kwane, lose a comma: “…never reveal cult secrets, and actually knows…”

After Description, move the modifier: “He has only a fringe of…”

After Willa Sligh’s Traits, you want a comma after “…for one her age, although…” After that, you can either retain the commas around “like her uncle” or delete them. (It’s acceptable and even good to omit commas around such brief phrases if doing so creates no confusion.)

 

Page 118

Near the end of the first full graph, delete a comma: “what the investigator knows of him and try to have all the players…”

 

Page 119

Under The Fire Escape, lose a comma: “…weight of the cultists and shakes…”

 

Page 120

[I’m curious why you’ve changed the spelling of Faraz Najjar’s name. Was the previous version incorrect?]

[Love the new handouts on the following pages. I wish there were versions without the textures; it’s nice to print them on our own stationary, fold a letter, and perhaps insert it into an addressed and opened envelope for added effect. Perhaps the HPLS versions will provide such variants, but in future Chaosium products, I’d love to see a version of these handouts with text and logos separable for printing on various paper stock.]

 

Page 125

In the prefatory text, lose the comma after “Carlyle Expedition.”

In the first graph, lose the comma after “minions.”

[Incidentally, I find the direct address of “dear Keeper” both charming and a useful means of avoiding unfortunate constructions like passive voice, as well as making advice to the Keeper sound more natural while allowing for tones from the humorous to the sinister.]

In the first bulleted paragraph in column 1, omit the first two commas.

 

Page 126

Column 2, near the end of the first graph, lose a comma: “…an African death cult but has otherwise…”

 

 

Page 68

It’s a very fine difference, I realize, especially to the ear of a British Anglophone, but consider revising in the second graph “…a small wooden crate, which has…” to “…a small wooden crate that has.” The important difference is that it’s a restrictive clause and thus needs no comma. The confusing bit is that “that” is preferred for restrictive clauses, but Britons more commonly use “which” and most Americans don’t perceive the difference at all, which is why we can’t have nice punctuation.
Column 2, graph 2, sentence 2, move the adjective: “He does so only if he can catch…” Also, both for economy and the sake of the kerning, delete “this.”
Last graph, omit the comma after “innocent pawn.”

 

Page 69

In the sidebar, purely to improve the kerning, consider adding a word and changing some punctuation slightly: “…his wounds appear to be healing slowly, the flesh knitting together.”
[It’s entirely possible that my vision is poorer than I realize or that reading it on a computer monitor worsens the effect, but the otherwise attractive background makes the text in this sidebar a bit difficult to read.]

Near the middle of column 2, omit the comma and correct the spelling in the parenthetical note: “…(perhaps gaining a surprise attack).” Also, end it with a full stop and begin the next sentence: “This time, his intent is to escape…”

Third column, second graph, omit the word “are”: “…the police and hospital staff want to keep quiet…”

Later in the same graph, move the modifier: “…a wall of silence that is broken only with…”

Consider using “or other person” instead of “etc.”
Consider swapping “crosses themselves” with “makes the sign of the cross.”

Omit the comma before “and hand him over to the police.”

In the first column below the sidebar, second graph, add a comma after “his voice becomes imperious.”

 

Page 70
Column 1, graph 2, add a comma after “…turn up on Monday morning.”

Column 1, penultimate graph, omit the comma after “…accompany him to the pyramid.”

Column 2, last graph, omit the comma after “20,000 residents.”

Same graph, change “further uphill” to “farther uphill.” (“Farther” means distance; “further” means additional non-distance amount.)

Same graph, omit the comma after “broad plaza.”

 

Page 71

Please convert the double hyphens and the single hyphens flanked by spaces to em-dashes.

I’m of two minds in pointing out punctuation errors in handout text presumably written by someone who might logically make mistakes, but in case you want correct punctuation: In graph 1, lose the comma after “highlands of the Andes.”
 

Page 72

It’s a picky point, but if a section of the campaign is “largely optional,” it’s “optional.” Also, omitting “largely” helps your kerning. Actually, the second sentence is a bit of redundancy. Suggest abbreviating it to “Keepers who wish to maintain a faster pace may skip it.” And in the next sentence, “Time spent in Puno provides investigators the option of identifying…”
In the second graph, add a comma after “all of this.”
Another picky point: making “any further” simply “further” is tidy.
In the second sidebar column, consider “(such as combat)” a substitute for “(combat, etc.)”

The parenthetical notes are becoming a bit thick here. One way to weed them out is simply to omit the parentheses at the end of the first graph below the sidebar. The phrase works equally well as part of the sentence proper.

In the second graph below the sidebar, you needn’t bracket “roughly” with commas. (I haven’t mentioned all instances of unnecessary (but not necessarily wrong) commas, but this one is a bit of a speedbump.)

In column 2, first graph, the phrase “adds further” is stronger as “adds.”

In the parenthetical notation, add a comma to “(3,658 m).”

 

[Incidentally, I love the new maps. There are many other things I love, but I am wary of cluttering these notes with asides. Still, nice maps!]
 

Page 73

Avoid using the word “this” without a clear antecedent. Rather than begin the second sentence “Despite this,” considering using “Nevertheless, Larkin has hired…”

At the end of the graph, you don’t need both “a.m.” and “the morning.” Pick one.

In other Imperial-to-metric conversions, you don’t use “circa.”

Column 2, graph 2, another fuzzy “this”: Consider revising to “…does not take place until 1922, this option too is more suited to pulp.”
In the last graph, add a comma to “…are more intelligent, and their larger numbers…”

In the final sentence, which concludes on the following page, move the modifier: “…though the investigators are likely to find themselves in physical danger from the locals only if they start trouble themselves.”

 

Page 74

Under Meeting Nayra, last sentence, add a comma: “…as superstition, but, if he has seen…”

In the second graph, in the phrase “asking around some mutual acquaintances,” delete “around.”

In “2 miles (3 km) from Puno itself,” delete “itself.”

At the top of the second column, add a second “they” to “…as casually as they can, but they keep sneaking…”

Near the end of the column, omit the second comma in “Consequently, few if any people from Puno…” but then add one to “…anywhere near the pyramid, and it has…”

 

Page 75

In the sidebar, you can give the type more air by omitting “more or less” in the second graph. You can give it a try by omitting just the unnecessary commas, but if that doesn’t bring up a word, it might be worthwhile to delete the entire phrase.

Page 76

At the top of column 2, omit the comma after “1D2+1 points.”
It may seem a fine point, but a.m. indicates morning, so the phrase “On the first night” sounds a trifle peculiar. Perhaps, “At 3:00 a.m. after the first night, a kharisiri…”
Lose the comma after “an old conquistador.”

 

Page 77

Graph one, delete “of”: “…find themselves short one pack animal…”

In the next graph, delete “ahead,” including that comma.

Near the end of the next graph, change “towards” to “toward.” (I’m bound to miss some of these, assuming I get through the entire document, so please do that careful search & replace. I think I spotted one later in a heading, too.)
Second column, second graph, revise the second sentence to omit a comma and change “who” to “whom”: “His companion is a young woman from Puno named Narcisa Quispe, whom he recently converted.”

In the next graph, you have an instance of “in order” that can be deleted.

 

Page 78

[I love this map with its wall detail, and I love that you provide it sans tags and key in the handouts file. Good show!]

Column 1, graph one, omit the comma: “…a main entryway taking the form…”

 

Page 79

After The Pyramid, add a comma: “The smell of corruption is overpowering here, and blowflies buzz around the crack constantly.”

Column 2, toward the end of the first graph, add a comma: “The smell of decay in the tunnels is overpowering, and the air is filled with buzzing flies.”

Same graph, penultimate sentence, you can avoid the issue of the pronoun agreement by changing “an investigator” to “investigators” and making “nose and mouth” the plural “noses and mouths.”

In the next graph, “downwards” should be “downward.”

After The Chamber, omit the comma: “…offerings to their god and also…”

 

Page 80

In the second graph, omit the comma after “ancient artifacts.”

After The Pyramid’s Base, omit the comma after “by tunnels.”

Last sentence in column 2, omit the comma after “forced to” or revise it to “…forced to, but they will take…”

Page 81

Second column, last graph, add a comma: “…through the cracks, and its connection…”

 

Page 83

Near the end of graph two, this sentence needs revision for structure, clarity, and conciseness: If the Keeper desires, later in the campaign the Father of Maggots could make a return appearance to taunt the investigators in visions, dreams, and half-glimpsed appearances—anytime maggots are seen, a chill runs down the investigators’ spines.”
Aha! I see you do use the en-dash (or minus-sign), so perhaps you would like to scan the rest of the document and place one in numeral and date ranges. It looks much more elegant than a hyphen. Sadly, when I search for in in Adobe reader, searching for the en-dash hits hyphens, en-dashes, and em-dashes without discrimination. Unless you’re using a more discerning version of the software, searching for them might be problematic.

Note that I am not proofing character and monster entries carefully. I hope someone else will take a closer look at them.

 

Page 86

The note on de Mendoza’s sword, second sentence, omit a comma: “It is old but well maintained and sharp.”

After Armor, second sentence, move a modifier: “Can be killed only by complete dismemberment…”

I won’t mention further instances of “etc.” except to emphasize my encouragement always to find a substitute.