jongjom

Page 33   "was during the Golden Age, conmythory to the" -- not a misprint as "conmythory" was used all the way back to Wyrm's Footprints 9. And the only reference on the Internet was Martin's earlier remark saying he was baffled by it.

Pages 28 to 30 used "wargod" five times maybe should be "War God" ?

Page 30 "It was not until 947 that they dared show themselves in force, and they then challenged the weakened Jrusteli (now called the Middle Sea Empire) to another battle and won,sending their great island beneath the waves of death."    is this meant to make it sound like Jrustela  was sunk in 947, when it was actually in 1050 ST (Guide page 504)

page 33   "Genert was among those Chaos devoured before destroying the Spike"   maybe should be "Genert was among those that Chaos devoured before destroying the Spike" 

page 33   "Snakes wind  around her lower arms and she often carries sheafs of grain or fruits"   .maybe "Snakes wind  around her lower arms and she often carries sheaves of grain or fruits" 

page 35  [Voria] "She is capable of discerning the least offence against her, and in those cases will call on her sister, Babeester Gor, to aid her." -- so with the least bit of offense she calls upon her big, bad sis? So don't even slightly diss a sweet, innocent Voria worshippers otherwise she'll get her sister to cut your balls off. Quite funny actually

page 35  "Kero Fin, at whose feet was the Dragons’ Nest."   should be "Kero Fin, at whose feet was the Dragon’s Nest." 

page 36  "When the Blue Dragon led the invasion of the Water gods to conquer the Earth, Orlanth defeated him and sent his broken remnants north to make the Oslir Sea." or is this meant to be:    "broken remnants north to make the Oslir River."

page 36    "Gata, born at the Dragon Nest of the Ancient One."  maybe    "Gata, born at the Dragon’s Nest of the Ancient One."

Page 26 "Among them are the old Brown Sea (now broken into the Sea of Worms and Jorkar’s Sea), Neleom, the White or Ice Sea, and some others".  Should be: "Among them are the old Brown Sea (now broken into the Kerenth, Swermela (Sea of Worms)(comma) and Jorkar’s Sea), Neliomi, Keniryan Sea (White Sea), and some others".

Notes: i) Kerenth Sea is also called The Brown Sea in the Guide, so should be here? . ii) Sea of Worms is called Swermela Sea in the Guide iii) no mention of the Ice Sea in the Guide or the rest of this document  iv) Neleom is a typo (?) and should be Neliomi as per the Guide

Page 27  "of the Neleom Sea and its many rivers". "of the Neliomi Sea and its many rivers."

Page 27 "THE WAERTAGI MERTRIBE is that clan which began in the Neliomi Sea and once extended into the Keniryan Sea (White Sea), "

Page 28 "Another, the eldest clan who lived in the deepest part of Neliomi, were the masters of the animals of the sea, and could"

Page 28 "Lorian is called Sky River Titan in some manuscripts."   should be  "Lorian is called Skyriver Titan in some manuscripts." - noted already is the same error on page 101

Page 29 "Celestial Court there occurred a disaster wherein the Cosmic Mountain," if capitals for Cosmic Mountain then also change on page 18 & page 62

Page 29 "especially Triolina, Manthi and Natea, Daliath, Framanthe(comma) and Magasta."

Page 23  "TY KORA TEK is also the Goddess of Dark in the Earth, mentioned elsewhere this issue as one of the Six Earths."  'elsewhere this issue' I guess this was from the WF magazine. Instead maybe have "TY KORA TEK is also the Goddess of Dark in the Earth, mentioned later on as one of the Six Earths."

Page 24  "Yelm was forced to return to his path in the sky in 375 ST." - as per the Guide (NB the other two errors for the Sunstop date have been already highlighted)

Page 24   "THE BLUE MOON is a daughter of"      Possibly consider:    "ANNILLA, the Blue Moon, is a daughter of"

Page 24 "She did, and these were the first trolls, called the Mistress Race Trolls." -- forex 'Dark Trolls' are called 'Dark Trolls', and not just 'Dark', but sometimes Uzuz are just Mistress Race?

Page 140  "Tribe warriors at the Battle of Alavan Argary in"   should be    "Tribe warriors at the Battle of Alavan Argay in" 

Page 141  "This Swordman returned in a cult of weapons masters in the time of the Feathered Horse Queen." - does this make sense? A Humakti returning? There is mysterious but this is nonsensical? Maybe it means: "This Swordman returned with a cult of weapons masters in the time of the Feathered Horse Queen." ??

Page 141   "When Belintar’s mortal body expires, the next day select individuals, chosen"   reads oddly, maybe instead:  "The day after Belintar’s mortal body expires select individuals chosen"

Page 143  "Even within a single tribe there was challenge and battle, and sometimes younger sons broke away from the greater tribe, beginning a separate clan of their own, as the Lismelder tribe did when it deserted the Malani."   This is an exact Copy and Paste of the same text on the previous page. 

Page 143  "defeated the nomads at the Battle of Quintus Vale"  should be "defeated the nomads at the Battle of Quintus’ Vale" - missing apostrophe

Page 144  "Derik Pol-joni to pursue his vengeance and hatred"  to match up with the Guide & Pavis:GtA  it should be:  "Derik Poljoni to pursue his vengeance and hatred"

Page 145   "Derik of Pol-Joni to ride for him in a race." maybe clearer to say "Derik of the Pol-Joni to ride for him in a race." OR  "Derik Poljoni to ride for him in a race."

Page 145   "(and often paired with the High Priestess at the Shaker Temple)." should be "(and often paired with the High Priestess at the Shaker's Temple)."

Page 146  "born around 1430 and emerged"  later on she has a definite age at death, and year that she died.

Page 147  "wandering minstrel show with actors, jugglers(comma) and acrobats."

Page 147 "The mockeries and sarcasms of the Puppeteer’s jongleurs often pain the vulnerable or over-dignified and so they are sometimes held in disrepute." vulnerable or venerable? paining the vulnerable isn't in keeping with the rest of their description

Page 149   "Palashee Longaxe and the Shaker Temple to drive"   should be  "Palashee Longaxe and the Shaker's Temple to drive"

Page 149  "slain. Their scalps still adorn the Shaker Temple."   should be  "slain. Their scalps still adorn the Shaker's Temple." 

Page 149 "trickery won, and Long Axe was slain."   should be   "trickery won, and Longaxe was slain."  

Page 149  "When enemy kings resisted,........he is often called King-slayer."  -- this paragraph changes between k and K for the kings of the different lands

Page 149  "and he built a new section of Furthest and he securely fortified the walls."

Page 150  "where they were protected by the magic of the Shaker Temple."   should be "where they were protected by the magic of the Shaker's Temple."

Page 136   "with crowding, confusion(comma) and fear. This began the"

Page 137  "peoples outside the council. Inside dissension and outside enemies forced"   maybe  "peoples outside the council. Internal dissension and external enemies forced" 

Page 138  "and the New Animals’s Boundary"  maybe  "and the New Animals’ Boundary" 

Page 138   "(long lost, but not forgotten), both of which are made of stone plinths"   'both'? There is a list of three things here

Page 138  "Most surviving elves fled back to the Stinking Country or the Holy."   maybe   "Most surviving elves fled back to the Stinking Forest or the Holy." 

[GtG error? page 142  1240 Dark trolls conquer Pavis. should be 1237 Dark trolls conquer Pavis]

Page 126 "called the Red Hair Tribe by the nomads." - add 'Hair', as per page 317 of the Guide

Page 128 "was popular in the late First Wane among the Lunar"  OR    "was popular from the late First Wane among the Lunar"  -- the darts competition only started in 1/49, if the following sentences hold true

Page 130 "substituted corn women for humans in the Hon-eel planting rites,"       maybe       "substituted maize women for humans in the Hon-eel planting rites,"

Page 124 "Godquest, and travelled to the Green Age. There" if using American spelling: "Godquest, and traveled to the Green Age. There" So sez the Guide and: https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/spelling/british-and-spelling

Page 124 "Today, she is worshiped as the Lunar Earth and Mother of Corn." should not this be: Today, she is worshiped as the Lunar Earth and Mother of Maize." - page 316 & 341 Guide

Page 124 "As was usual with Hon-eel she traveled with only six companions, one of whom was a man."

-- Please do a Find "travelled" and replace with "traveled"  - a total of 9 of these in the document (including the two above)

Page 124 "the stepmother of the Sun, a goddess jealous of" in the Guide it's: "the step-mother of the Sun, a goddess jealous of"

Page 125 "herself worthy to the step-mother of the Sun. She"

Page 125 "He was blond and pale-eyed, radiant as the yellow sunlight of the day sky. He said, “I am Daylight.”" However on the same page, and in the Guide page 315,the names were "Twilight and Nightlight", so maybe: "He was blond and pale-eyed, radiant as the yellow sunlight of the day sky. He said, “I am Twilight.”"

Page 125 "Prince Phoronestes, was well-guarded by Lunar viceroys and eventually ascended to his throne at age 16."    'ascended to his throne' means to become king (or queen), however the Guide has "He was crowned in 1491," page 176 -- which means he was placed on the throne, and crowned when he was born (on Page 226 it says he was 26 at the end of the wane: 1517)

2 minutes ago, M Helsdon said:

Attended Dragonmeet today. Had a chat with Jeff: the comments here are being assessed and many are being incorporated into the document.

Thanks. I emailed Jeff but got no reply. Fair enough given his tad busy schedule!

Hope you had fun and got the inside info on what's going on.

Page 123 "The Sacred time before the dawn of the Fifth Wane saw the nobles of the Westlands, mostly members of the Jaranthir Household, arrive on the first day."

Page 123 Taking this to be accurate "Hon-eel had been born 18 years earlier in 4/36 (1445)" - this, her birth year, is in the Guide. Then:

"In 4/52 (1461) Hon-eel was 16 years old, and a dancer by trade." she would be 16 not 14

"In 5/2 (1466) aged 21, she went on her obligatory journey to the Moon," she would be 21 not 19

Page 123 "In 5/7 (1471), aged 26,"   etc.

Page 123 "At that time, Vinval-noy envisioned the Dance of Three Reconstructions." -- some explanation here would help. No reference in the rest of the document or the Guide on any of this

Page 117 "The Battle of Quintus’ Vale was fought between the Opili and their allied horse nations,"    should be    "The Battle of Quintus’ Vale was fought against the Opili and their allied horse nations,"     in order to make sense?

Page 117 "They all lived in the region called the "red lands"" should be " They all lived in the region called the "Redlands" " -- capital R, and all one word - as in the Guide

Page 117  "In 3/20 (1375), the Great Army of Sheng Seleris moved" - for clarity, as was described as such in the Guide

Page 120 "Sheng sacked their city of Jords Eye mistakenly believing the Emperor to be" should be: "Sheng sacked the dwarf city of Jord's Eye mistakenly believing the Emperor to be" And for a bonus point the AAA map has the wrong type of apostrophe on Jord's Eye

Page 116 "In 2/25 (1326) Sylila (now expanded now to include the old lands of Rist and Dara-ni)" - as in the Guide

Page 116 "She prepared the city's grounds herself, and its her calm beauty is apparent."  i) it is just one city?  ii) the calm beauty is of the city?

Page 116 "upon a hearse drawn by demons," - add this in the Guide, coz its cool

Page 116 "her husband and son[full stop] and At the far side mounted" - as in the Guide, and coz its betta

Page 116  "Longwise in a four-day battle of magic(comma) which" - as in the Guide

Page 116  "the changing waters by powerful runes." - as in the Guide

Page 116 "The army(delete comma) which followed and supported the Conquering Daughter(delete comma) crossed upon this" - as in the Guide

Page 117 In Vanch(comma)  her army defeated the barbarian" - as in the Guide

Page 115 "was to seize certain Door Stones to trade to the trolls of Yolp Mountains."  i) Door Stones in the Guide. ii) no dwarves in that troll stronghold!?  iii) Mountains to be more accurate? OR are you talking about "the dwarves of Jord Mountains"?

Page 115 "managed to kill him first through luck and, when" - I assume she only killed the Satrap once?

Page 115 "to throttle a visiting Etyries merchant named Erian Soor." again difficult to follow this whole section. As it is, it sounds like any old Lunar fighting another. Maybe to add clarity instead have: "to throttle a visiting Twice Blessed merchant named Erian Soor." I assume that is correct??? Please make my life as a reader easier.

Page 115 "Imperial protection of lives, properties(comma) and"

Page 115 "In 2/25 (1326) Bindle, aided by other Sweet Sea allies and the Char-un tribes, went to war" Aren't these Char-un tribes Lunar allies?? Maybe: "In 2/25 (1326) Bindle, aided by other Sweet Sea allies and the traitorous Char-un tribes, went to war" In which case then add: "In 2/30 (1331), the Char-un changed sides again and the Bindle army was defeated in two successive battles." I assume that is correct???

Page 115 "He finally drove off the Char-un and began a program of resettlement and rebuilding of the devastated West Reaches." - why did he drive off the Char-un? Had they not just changed sides a couple of paragraphs before, or have they changes sides yet again?? OR is it "He finally drove off the remaining Brindle contingent and began a program of resettlement and rebuilding of the devastated West Reaches." ??

Page 114  "It was maintained by refugee priests from the cities of Yuthuppa who had taken refuge with the Char-un Kahn as a result of the Tripolis Wars." - pointless and annoying repetition?

Page 114 Southern Expansion and Moonburn - I had to go to the Guide to get the rest of the information there to help me understand what was actually was going on. It is too cut and paste without some of the background info to help out a bit.

Page 114 "Dara-ni, a previous subject state of Alkoth, provided refuge for the River People and Dara Happan refugees, and held a firm alliance with the elves of Rist, and maintained powerful allies among the barbarians of Sylila." a sentence that bludgeons ones brain.

Further south Dara-ni, a previous subject state of Alkoth, provided shelter for the river people and Dara Happan refugees. [full stop] They and held a firm alliance with the elves of Rist, and maintained powerful allies among the barbarians of Sylila within ." - background info and short sentences. Although this is copied from the Guide, the Guide only used "River People" once (as does this text), the rest of the time it used "river people"

Page 114 "In 1/44 (1291), the Emperor ordered a Moonburn begun against Rist, modeled on the earlier Char-in event." - info / clarity please

Page 112 "besides Moonson and three others who became famous. The other three were Great Sister, the Goddess’s Daughter, and Moonson’s Cousin." - a tad confused: I thought Great Sister was the Goddess’s Daughter. And how famous is Moonson’s Cousin - and who is it?

Following that: Page 103 "GREAT SISTER is the demigod daughter of " is the first mention of this entity. Maybe worthwhile adding some clarity missing in the document: "GREAT SISTER, Deneskerva is the demigod daughter of "

Page 113 "wherein he imprisoned the Crazed Tribe. This tribe of madmen was the survivors, and descendants," - earlier they were 'named' as the Mad Sultanate on page 107.

Page 113 "and the Red Goddess. This proved his undoing," - capital G oddess

Page 105 "The karmanoi and hazars fought as cataphracts, a form of armored" - these should be italicised too?

Page 108  "attack the Carmanians., She led her army through" - delete the comma after the full stop

Page 108 "Particularly important was the reaction of Raiba, city-deity of Raibanth"   Yet in the Guide the name is Raibamus: "Murharzarm’s son Raibamus is the guardian of the city." (Guide page 319)      Raiba is mentioned  3 times on page 108

Page 109  the Kingdom of Karasal surrendered with it.,   - delete the comma after the full stop

Page 109 "awaited the invading Lunar host in the wide plains"  - host? why not  'army' or 'forces'?

Page 111 "Castle Blue and burnt Meglardinth, the barrier" maybe give context and meaning: "Castle Blue and burnt down the nearby Lunar city Meglardinth, the barrier"

Page 111 "The Goddess mustered a wide array of powers led by her Scarlet Warlord, Doskalos the Sword in the Eye, to confront the Old Gods, including the Crimson Bat and her daughter Deneskerva."

Couldn't this sentence be better constructed i.e.:

"The Goddess mustered a wide array of powers including her daughter Deneskerva and the Crimson Bat, led by her Scarlet Warlord, Doskalos the Sword in the Eye, to confront the Old Gods."

Page 111  "and even the blue men worshipping YarGan" maybe "and even the Blue Men worshipping YarGan" OR "and even the Blue People worshipping YarGan" - As per the Guide page 318

Page 111 "rising higher and higher until she reached the Upper Air"  - should it not be the Middle Air, as is in the Guide:   "her ascent into the Middle Air as the" - Guide Page 297

Page 103 "and she is the patron goddess of the seven Temples of the Reaching Moon"  capital T

Page 105 NO CHANGE BUT:  "ordered into existence in 7/50 (1621) by the Red Emperor (or one of his household) in anticipation of the Extra Full Moon Year." The Guide has the Extra Full Moon Year as 7/50 (1621) [page 330 of the Guide] and as 1622 [page 188 of the Guide]. Missed that one first time round!

Page 105  "not have been written before 8/2 (1627), widely believed to have been added by Fod-Ariam." - add in for clarity

Page 105 "They were militarily feudal in nature," - you have just mentioned they were a feudal society in the previous sentence.

1 hour ago, Jeff said:

Well the good news is that the RQ core rules is pretty much done. Jason is still making edits and adding examples (as well as adding things like character templates for folk who want to make characters quickly), and I am pretty much done with the Bestiary. Steve, Ken, Chris, Jason, and I are all working on the campaign book, and I need to finish up the Gamemaster Book. That's four books that I hope to start commissioning art for at the beginning of the year.

I like the idea of getting all the delays in before a Kickstarter commences.

Having said that I hope after the Kickstarter you give the crowdsourcing backers chance for error trapping (as opposed not having our particular pet house rule in the edition!).

Page 96 "The God Learners pioneered our understanding of the spirit plane." is 'spirit plane' the correct term here?

Page 96 "They dominated the sea after driving off the Waertagi fleet." - makes better sense?

Page 96  "the interior of the continents for the next age." Here and elsewhere: is it "age" or "Age"?

Page 98 "piece of earth, leaving behind the Crater, and" - makes better sense?

Page 98  Is "she is called Jernedeus" meant to be spelt as "As Jernotius, he was turned to stone" on the same page?  Only the latter is in the Guide & The Entekosiad, but the former is in The Fortunate Succession

Page 101 "ULURDA " does not appear in the Guide, TFS, or TE. Do we really need more names for the same deity? Suggest changing to "Orogeria" x 3, including: "Orogeria also lived upon the earth, and she was called Orogeria, the Lady of the Wild, and Keeper of Life and Death."

Page 101 "ZAYTENARA is the daughter of Yelm born" But the Guide says: "The Lunars call this deity Zaytenera" (page 673) "ZAYTENARA" is the masculine name from the Guide. So suggest change to Zaytenera as 1) it's a Lunar writer 2) it's female

Page 101 "is the son of the Blue Moon and Lorian the Skyriver Titan"  'Skyriver' in the Guide

Page 102 "Some say that a goddess called Rashorana, who was either the last of the gods born, or the first of the Chaos creations," - same thing mentioned on page 100 & 64. Suggest abbreviating this almost copy and paste e.g.: Rashorana, the last born god or first Chaos creation, - at least you recognise the reader has read this before

Page 102: "In the Third Age,.... Illumination is known elsewhere, most notably in Kralorela, East Isles, Ralios, Jrustela, and Vralos." Are those pesky elves in Jrustela, and Vralos Illuminated? If not them who is in those places?

Page 90 "reveling trolls" should be "revelling trolls"

Page 90 "With great magics the troll leader sealed off the cyclopean walls of Pavis, and kept all outsiders away for three hundred years." The re-opening of Pavis happened during the Dragonewts Dream 1539-1540, way more than a hundred years.

Page 90 "As humans occupied Dragon Pass the trolls" - for clarity?

Page 90  "trollkin populations irregularly marched down to the valleys to scavenge and eat."   "plundering" trollkin, hum !!  

Page 92 "During the occupation of Dragon Pass by the Lunar Empire they most often worked for the Red Moon, who could tend the trolls well in her Dark Phase." -- what does "could 'tend the trolls' well in her Dark Phase" mean?

Page 92 "Ancient races renewed their primeval conflicts and there was war again between trolls, dwarves, and elves again." - for clarity?

Page 92 "but the dawning of year 2 S.T. established the New Malkioni religion"

Page 92 "The vast spiritual empire of eastern Genertela clung to the mystic secrets of the universe as being the most important." maybe delete "spiritual" to make it clear that you are talking about mysticism and not spirit worship?

Page 93 "In Pamaltela, a hundred thousand elves, led by their god of nature called Pamalt, sent" - to be the same as the Guide, or is Pamalt the elven God of Nature?

Page 94 "Naylor the new name of Gbaji, by which all his enemies called him thereafter." - for clarity? he wasn't called thereafter?

Page 94 "He realized that the Brithini caste structure made impossible the efficient use of the forces available." - for clarity?

Page 94 "using the word Krjalki to " in the Guide it's: "using the word krjalki to " (not bold, just lower case and italicised)

Page 94 "thought that the krjalki were mutated monsters"

General Comment: please check for Krjalki vs. krjalki

Page 94 "and afterwards too from Fronela, this last purge happening at the end of the Gbaji Wars by Talor the Laughing Warrior." - for clarity?

Page 95 "The war against Gbaji had lasted 50 years;" - to be the same as the Guide

Page 95  "it under his watchful eye for his other 50 years."- to be the same as the Guide

4 hours ago, metcalph said:

The trollkin curse appeared in 379 ST.  397 ST is some 18 years later.

 

18 years after the curse started they have enough trollkin to fill half the ranks! Not sure about the math of that!

Page 88 "The Broken Council got its name when the dark trolls, Orlanthi, and dragonewts both deserted the impending magical rituals of the Council."

Page 89 "The trolls left because Kyger Litor, their Creatrix" [capital - name]

Page 89  "The Orlanthi of Dragon Pass followed"

Page 89  "and even Dragon Pass fell after the Battle of Night and Day in 379." (Guide: page 132)

Page 89  "The Trollkin Curse is in their children"

Page 89 "Warriors slain could not be replaced, and the powerful army was over half trollkin when it was defeated in battle by the Broken Council around 397." How can that be, they've only just come into existence!!??

Maybe just: "Warriors slain could not be replaced, and the powerful army was over half trollkin when it was later to suffer defeats in battle."

Page 89 "He led a crusade for 75 years by the" maybe "He led a campaign for 75 years by the"   We are getting away from the medieval vibe & crusades?

Page 89 "broke the superhero’s wounds again," maybe "broke the demigod's wounds again,"

Page 89 "who were jealous of their own ocean ancestors, and did not wish to worship the other sea spirits and deities."

Page 90 "Kajak-ab the Braineater" but "Kajak-Ab Braineater" in the Guide. Martin also pointed this repeated typo on Page 138

Page 90 "leaders of Dagori Inkarth sent part of the population southeast towards the extensive ruins of Pavis"

Page 88

"It is in the land called Shadows Dance, which gets its name from the presence of the Castle of Lead. It is said that there are too many shadows in those mountains, and that sometimes they do not flee from the light before them. Again, there are strange lights occasionally freed from the Eternal Torch which flare across the sky, making even the most physical darkness flee before it, dancing in frightened rout across the rocky crags."

It was better described in the Guide:

Maybe from the two sources:

"It is in the land called Shadows Dance, which gets its name from spirits of shadow and other grey entities that live in mountain valleys, hilltops, and hollows. They defy daylight until spirits of light from the Torch, in the east, makes even the almost physical darkness flee before it, dancing in frightened rout across the rocky crags. This movement of light and shadow across the land is what gives it its distinctive name, Shadows Dance."

54 minutes ago, M Helsdon said:

This is from the Guide, page 81.

However, much of the material seems to derive from ancient articles in Wyrms Footnotes, Different Worlds and other places, which are often not easy to find.

Of the typos I have detected, at least one or two percent seem to be scanning errors, whilst others are because spellings have changed since the original material was written. Similarly, (for example) the material in the Sourcebook relating to Mostali religions (as previously noted) contradicts material in the Guide because it reflects articles written in the 1980s.

Am pleased you are finding errors I didn't because every reviewer looks for and spots slightly different things. I'm in two minds about doing a second pass.

Looks like I missed some stuff in the Guide: until you pointed it out now!

I'm surprised the amount of errors: the material that contradicts the Guide. Odd, given the authors.

But knowing what you've looked for helps as it frees me up to go for different things. Pity they cannot send out an amended version. That would help too.

Page 83 "They melted Mostali in their own pots and drank them." Done by Trolls?! When did trolls take up cooking?

Page 84 "Diamond Dwarfs" [twice] called "Diamondwarves" in the Guide

Page 85 uses "gained the lofty status of Heresy," but it's "heresy" in the Guide and in the rest of the document

Page 85 "for it passed out of favor among the majority everyplace except" maybe everywhere rather than "everyplace"

Page 85 to Page 86 is difficult to follow:

Page 85 "The Greatway dwarfs, still smarting from their former treatment, declared the Nidan Decamony to be criminally insane, and then sent money and power to the Octamonist leaders there." Where is "there"? Nida? If so why did they send them money and power after just calling them insane?

Page 86 "The survivors were purged of individuals, new" maybe instead: "The survivors were purged of Individualists, new"

Page 86 Missing is the heresy "Vegetarianism" even though it is listed earlier on page 81

Page 86 "During this period there was continued trouble" Also this section appears not in continuity with "Individualism". Suggest putting a header here? Dwarf Heresy Since Second Age  - or something less wieldy OR have a better introduction to this paragraph to signal what your now talking about (???the history of ALL heresies since the Second Age in Dragon Pass???)

Page 86 "and would agree to send some dwarves and arms to" - hardly going to send unreliable men!

Page 86 "Nothing good occurred when the dwarf’s attempted to send three armies secretly against the Greatway alliance." Change "the dwarf’s attempted" to "the Decamony attempted" assuming that's what is meant: it is very difficult to make sense of it otherwise

Page 86 "The Uz (popularly called trolls) are a subterranean race that spilled onto the surface world when Yelm’s light chased them from the Underworld." Or maybe better still: "The Uz (popularly called trolls) are an Underworld race that spilled onto the surface world when Yelm’s light chased them from their ancestral home they called  Wonderhome."

Page 86 They call themselves Uz. I think the reader gets that?

Page 86  Several types of trolls exist and may live together in one community.

Page 86 "Social status is determined by an individual’s type, sex, and power." You need to emphasise this from an early stage.

Page 86 "They are socially matriarchal, and" change to "Society is strongly matriarchal, and " Something else to emphasise this from an early stage, and it gets rid of a sentence starting "They are"

Page 86  "under great magical circumstances." emphasise and clarity

Page 87 "The trolls sprung and leapt from just such an origin," they are not an imitation, just like a child is not an imitation of their parent? And it gives them a trollish vibe

Page 87 "In Wonderhome the Mistress Race " - if you use the above change

Page 87 "Grandfather Mortal was king of the Mistress Race." Says who!!!

Page 87 "using secret pathways to reach the surface world." change to "using secret paths and routes to reach the surface world." - some left by boat

Page 87 "Most of the creatures which survived this at all were changed horribly, and are the ancestors of those creatures which humans know as Cave Trolls." Bollocks. It was when the trolls met, and lost some battles to Chaos were Cave Trolls created.

Page 87 "of the fight against the invading Chaos, often unsupported or opposed by humans." clarity

Page 88 "from the Eternal Torch which" just the Torch in the Guide, although it does have the undying Torch.