Dave

Page 68 It’s a very fine difference, I realize, especially to the ear of a British Anglophone, but consider revising in the second graph “…a small wooden crate, which has…” to “…a small wooden crate that has.” The important difference is that it’s a restrictive clause and thus needs no comma. The confusing bit is that “that” is preferred for restrictive clauses, but Britons more commonly use “which” and most Americans don’t perceive the difference at all, which is why we can’t have nice punctuation. Column 2, graph 2, sentence 2, move the adjective: “He does so only if he can catch…” Also, both for economy and the sake of the kerning, delete “this.” Last graph, omit the comma after “innocent pawn.” Page 69 In the sidebar, purely to improve the kerning, consider adding a word and changing some punctuation slightly: “…his wounds appear to be healing slowly, the flesh knitting together.” [It’s entirely possible that my vision is poorer than I realize or that reading it on a computer monitor worsens the effect, but the otherwise attractive background makes the text in this sidebar a bit difficult to read.] Near the middle of column 2, omit the comma and correct the spelling in the parenthetical note: “…(perhaps gaining a surprise attack).” Also, end it with a full stop and begin the next sentence: “This time, his intent is to escape…” Third column, second graph, omit the word “are”: “…the police and hospital staff want to keep quiet…” Later in the same graph, move the modifier: “…a wall of silence that is broken only with…” Consider using “or other person” instead of “etc.” Consider swapping “crosses themselves” with “makes the sign of the cross.” Omit the comma before “and hand him over to the police.” In the first column below the sidebar, second graph, add a comma after “his voice becomes imperious.” Page 70 Column 1, graph 2, add a comma after “…turn up on Monday morning.” Column 1, penultimate graph, omit the comma after “…accompany him to the pyramid.” Column 2, last graph, omit the comma after “20,000 residents.” Same graph, change “further uphill” to “farther uphill.” (“Farther” means distance; “further” means additional non-distance amount.) Same graph, omit the comma after “broad plaza.” Page 71 Please convert the double hyphens and the single hyphens flanked by spaces to em-dashes. I’m of two minds in pointing out punctuation errors in handout text presumably written by someone who might logically make mistakes, but in case you want correct punctuation: In graph 1, lose the comma after “highlands of the Andes.” Page 72 It’s a picky point, but if a section of the campaign is “largely optional,” it’s “optional.” Also, omitting “largely” helps your kerning. Actually, the second sentence is a bit of redundancy. Suggest abbreviating it to “Keepers who wish to maintain a faster pace may skip it.” And in the next sentence, “Time spent in Puno provides investigators the option of identifying…” In the second graph, add a comma after “all of this.” Another picky point: making “any further” simply “further” is tidy. In the second sidebar column, consider “(such as combat)” a substitute for “(combat, etc.)” The parenthetical notes are becoming a bit thick here. One way to weed them out is simply to omit the parentheses at the end of the first graph below the sidebar. The phrase works equally well as part of the sentence proper. In the second graph below the sidebar, you needn’t bracket “roughly” with commas. (I haven’t mentioned all instances of unnecessary (but not necessarily wrong) commas, but this one is a bit of a speedbump.) In column 2, first graph, the phrase “adds further” is stronger as “adds.” In the parenthetical notation, add a comma to “(3,658 m).” [Incidentally, I love the new maps. There are many other things I love, but I am wary of cluttering these notes with asides. Still, nice maps!] Page 73 Avoid using the word “this” without a clear antecedent. Rather than begin the second sentence “Despite this,” considering using “Nevertheless, Larkin has hired…” At the end of the graph, you don’t need both “a.m.” and “the morning.” Pick one. In other Imperial-to-metric conversions, you don’t use “circa.” Column 2, graph 2, another fuzzy “this”: Consider revising to “…does not take place until 1922, this option too is more suited to pulp.” In the last graph, add a comma to “…are more intelligent, and their larger numbers…” In the final sentence, which concludes on the following page, move the modifier: “…though the investigators are likely to find themselves in physical danger from the locals only if they start trouble themselves.” Page 74 Under Meeting Nayra, last sentence, add a comma: “…as superstition, but, if he has seen…” In the second graph, in the phrase “asking around some mutual acquaintances,” delete “around.” In “2 miles (3 km) from Puno itself,” delete “itself.” At the top of the second column, add a second “they” to “…as casually as they can, but they keep sneaking…” Near the end of the column, omit the second comma in “Consequently, few if any people from Puno…” but then add one to “…anywhere near the pyramid, and it has…” Page 75 In the sidebar, you can give the type more air by omitting “more or less” in the second graph. You can give it a try by omitting just the unnecessary commas, but if that doesn’t bring up a word, it might be worthwhile to delete the entire phrase. Page 76 At the top of column 2, omit the comma after “1D2+1 points.” It may seem a fine point, but a.m. indicates morning, so the phrase “On the first night” sounds a trifle peculiar. Perhaps, “At 3:00 a.m. after the first night, a kharisiri…” Lose the comma after “an old conquistador.” Page 77 Graph one, delete “of”: “…find themselves short one pack animal…” In the next graph, delete “ahead,” including that comma. Near the end of the next graph, change “towards” to “toward.” (I’m bound to miss some of these, assuming I get through the entire document, so please do that careful search & replace. I think I spotted one later in a heading, too.) Second column, second graph, revise the second sentence to omit a comma and change “who” to “whom”: “His companion is a young woman from Puno named Narcisa Quispe, whom he recently converted.” In the next graph, you have an instance of “in order” that can be deleted. Page 78 [I love this map with its wall detail, and I love that you provide it sans tags and key in the handouts file. Good show!] Column 1, graph one, omit the comma: “…a main entryway taking the form…” Page 79 After The Pyramid, add a comma: “The smell of corruption is overpowering here, and blowflies buzz around the crack constantly.” Column 2, toward the end of the first graph, add a comma: “The smell of decay in the tunnels is overpowering, and the air is filled with buzzing flies.” Same graph, penultimate sentence, you can avoid the issue of the pronoun agreement by changing “an investigator” to “investigators” and making “nose and mouth” the plural “noses and mouths.” In the next graph, “downwards” should be “downward.” After The Chamber, omit the comma: “…offerings to their god and also…” Page 80 In the second graph, omit the comma after “ancient artifacts.” After The Pyramid’s Base, omit the comma after “by tunnels.” Last sentence in column 2, omit the comma after “forced to” or revise it to “…forced to, but they will take…” Page 81 Second column, last graph, add a comma: “…through the cracks, and its connection…” Page 83 Near the end of graph two, this sentence needs revision for structure, clarity, and conciseness: If the Keeper desires, later in the campaign the Father of Maggots could make a return appearance to taunt the investigators in visions, dreams, and half-glimpsed appearances—anytime maggots are seen, a chill runs down the investigators’ spines.” Aha! I see you do use the en-dash (or minus-sign), so perhaps you would like to scan the rest of the document and place one in numeral and date ranges. It looks much more elegant than a hyphen. Sadly, when I search for in in Adobe reader, searching for the en-dash hits hyphens, en-dashes, and em-dashes without discrimination. Unless you’re using a more discerning version of the software, searching for them might be problematic. Note that I am not proofing character and monster entries carefully. I hope someone else will take a closer look at them. Page 86 The note on de Mendoza’s sword, second sentence, omit a comma: “It is old but well maintained and sharp.” After Armor, second sentence, move a modifier: “Can be killed only by complete dismemberment…” I won’t mention further instances of “etc.” except to emphasize my encouragement always to find a substitute.

Page 47 First graph, “…the fateful event that triggers the core campaign.” Next graph, add a word to reinforce the parallel structure: “…into the action, or if you…” End of the same graph, omit the superfluous comma. By the way, I notice from the quoted Lovecraft that you’re italicizing story titles rather than enclosing them in quotation marks. Even though that’s technically incorrect, I think it works in this context. I mention it only in case you feel differently. After The Avatar in the Pyramid, you might revise the final sentence for a slight boost in clarity: “A few local farmers and shepherds know of the existence of the site, but they shun the area due to its evil reputation.” Page 48 First graph, omit a superfluous comma: “…as small, writhing seeds made of its flesh.” Near the bottom of the first column, break this long sentence in two: “Thus, Larkin headed back to Lima and wrote to a number of academic institutions around the world. He also conducted interviews…” At the top of the last graph, omit the superfluous comma: “In due course, Elias will come into contact with investigators who have come to meet Larkin and join his expedition.” Page 49 Add a comma: “If the investigators and Jackson Elias discover the gold in the chamber beneath the ruins in the Andean highlands (The Chamber, page 79), then Elias leaves his share to the investigators in his will…” At the top of the second column, demote that semicolon to a comma. Either omit the comma after or add one to the other side of the phrase “to his mind”: “…perhaps as some form of human sacrifice, which, to his mind, could be evidence of death cult operating in Peru.” But this version is probably better: “…perhaps as some form of human sacrifice, which to his mind could be evidence of death cult operating in Peru.” Shortly afterward, remove the hyphen from “modern day.” After Jackson Elias in Peru, omit the superfluous comma: “…(such as Nayra, a wisewoman) and researching stories of the kharisiri.” In the next graph, demote the semicolon after “Luis de Mendoza” to a comma. Omit another superfluous comma: “…the man was a key figure in the death cult rather than an actual monster.” In the last line of the page, omit the commas around “somehow.” They aren’t wrong, but they’re out of keeping with the style of the rest of the book, which leans toward omitting unnecessary commas around short phrases, which is good for ease of reading. Page 50 Second graph in column one, after the first semicolon, add a comma, demote the second semicolon or change it to an em-dash: “…the locals may think de Mendoza is a monster, but Elias believes he is just a man—one who might have ties to the dark truth behind the legends.” Page 51 Second graph: Here’s a good instance of when not to use an em-dash instead of a full stop and the start of a new independent clause. Alternatively, you could make it a semicolon instead, but there are enough long sentences in this document that breaking a few down is a virtue. Last full sentence in this first column, add the pronoun “he” or lose the comma (preferably the former): Larkin is host to a fragment of a god, but he is weak of body and his mind dulled by narcotics.” Page 52, first column, second graph, add a comma: “Instead of being the first into the fray, he keeps…” Third graph: The quotation marks around “could” seem as though they’re meant for emphasis, which isn’t the way to use them. If you must, italicize “could,” but you don’t need either. If a word needs emphasis, in English there’s (almost) always a better word. Column 2, penultimate graph, omit second “is”: “Civilization in what is now is Peru…” Page 54 First graph, add a comma: “Sanitation conditions have recently been modernized, and Visitors…” Top of column 2, add a comma and change “than” to “from” (the idiomatic preference, although “different to” is common in the UK, and “different than” is accepted in the US, and the latter is preferred in specific circumstances): “The climate in the highland city of Puno is altogether different from that of Lima, and the investigators…” “Very” is another word you might train your eye to detect, consider, and almost always delete. It’s not wrong, it’s just a useless modifier that usually indicates you should have chosen a different adjective. (Incidentally, I adore details like the note about Pisco Sours. Your caveat about not fretting over historical or cultural details in the introduction had me concerned you might rein in such flourishes, but they are part of what brings global Call of Cthulhu campaigns to life.) Page 55 First graph, you can omit the comma after “monsters.” Second column, second graph, revise verb for tense agreement: “Like magpies, the kharisiri take valuables from their victims and store them…” Page 56 First graph under Jackson Elias, omit a comma: “He has no living relatives and no permanent address.” Likewise in the next graph: “He is social and enjoys an occasional drink.” Likewise near the end of the third graph, and change “it” to “its”: “…to avoid its being unpublishable and may bemoan the fact…” Alternatively, retain the comma and add “he” to make it a compound: “…unpublishable, and he may bemoan…” Again in the following paragraph, omit the comma: “…pseudonym Jesse Hughes and is pretending…” Page 57 Top of column 2, again with the superfluous comma: “He wears glasses and is usually dressed in a suit when at the university.” Page 58 Third graph below Nayra: omit the superfluous comma in the third sentence and again in the final sentence. The kerning on the second line under Traits could be better. Page 60 In the second graph after Luis de Mendoza, add a comma: “De Mendoza largely obeys this instruction, but sometimes his anger…” Fourth graph, omit comma: “He has suppressed this in pursuit of his master’s larger plans but still takes…” Page 61 Top of column 2, revise pronoun: “…start the scene with their arriving at Bar Cordano.” Penultimate graph, lose a comma: “He introduces de Mendoza as his personal aid and says Hughes is a folklorist…” Page 62 Column 1, move a modifier in the first sentence: “He tells the investigators that he bought a few interesting items near Puno from an alpaca farmer, who claims…” Second sentence, remove the comma after “superstitious fear,” or, and perhaps better, make it “…superstitious fear, but he told…” Last sentence of that graph, lose the comma or add “… but he confirms…” Next graph, lose the comma after “golden cup.” Under How did you find out about the pyramid? revise the first sentence: While traveling in the highlands, Larkin heard about the “lost” pyramid from an alpaca farmer. Near the end of the graph, change “it’s” to “its.” Page 63 Under Where is the pyramid? revise “a few days journey” to “a few days’ journey.” Under Can we see your research? change “apologies” to “apologizes.” Under When do we set out? Delete either “a.m.” or “morning.” In the penultimate bullet point, change the semicolon to a full stop and start a new sentence with “Perhaps…” Page 64 Sidebar, drop the first comma in “…man of European appearance dressed simple, slightly…” First graph after An Alternative Meeting, in part to loosen the tight kerning, but also for clarity, cut a comma and a word: “…can lead the investigators to Sanchez’ home near the university, although…” If you need more air, cut a little more: “…not to shoo away his new friend and his strange companions, he will be…” Last graph in column 1, “alternate” should be “alternative.” Second column, second graph, delete both commas in the first sentence. Third graph, same thing—delete the first two commas. Page 65 After Keeper Note, delete “if examined,” because it’s distant from its modified noun and doesn’t add clarity. After Larkin’s Room, delete the comma after “across the floor.” Also delete the comma after “rotten meat.” In the next graph, you don’t need the comma after “small.” [It occurs to me that a Spanish speaker’s giving this document a pass could only help. I’m of no use on that count, and I recall a Francophone made some keen notes on Reign of Terror.] In the first graph of the next section, add a comma after “Saturday.” In the next graph, omit the comma after “building.” In the following graph, it’d be more clear and elegant to recast the second sentence thusly: “Dominating the room is a large hardwood desk piled high with…” Column 2, first graph, omit the comma: “She has almost finished it but has had…” In the third graph, add a pronoun: “…for them to go and find her, but he suspects…” (Alternatively, just omit the comma, but this scans better.) Under The Storeroom, change “at the weekends” to “on the weekend.” Page 66 In the last sentence of the first graph, add a comma after “neatly labeled.” In the third graph, omit the comma after “carries a gun.” In the second column after the Keeper Note, add a comma after “(Saturday)”. Add a comma after “animal instincts take over.” Page 67 While I accept that the tribe has spoken and “their” is commonly used as a singular, there’s no reason to do so in the Kharisiri sidebar. A little deft rewriting would make the whole thing plural, or you could establish that it’s singular from the top and refer to the monster as “it” or avoid pronouns altogether. In the second column, revise “can only carry one” to “can carry only one.” At the bottom of the column, you have a “their” with no antecedent, but I’m sure you mean “an investigator.” Here’s another case in which “their” is a clumsy substitute, since it agrees with “investigators,” but you’re referring to the singular “host.” In any case, I would at least suggest revising the last sentence in column 2: “If examining the host’s abdomen with bare hands, an investigator requires no roll to feel something…”

Page 18 Timeline of Key Events 1916–1926: My eyes aren’t what they once were, but I can’t tell at a glance whether you’re using en-dashes elsewhere. If you are, one of the best places for them is between a range of numerals or dates. It’s a fine point, and these days many typesetters don’t bother with them, which is a small pity. I won’t mention them again unless you want me to look out for them. While I’m likely not to proof the handouts carefully, I noticed both lone hyphens and double hyphens where em-dashes should be, sometimes both in the same document. It would be worth searching for those and making them consistent, preferably with full em-dashes, since the handouts replicate handwriting. Lowercase “t” in ‘the “Carlyle” Expedition’ to make it consistent with the other entries that don’t begin with a proper noun. Page 19 Third entry, change “alternately” to “alternatively.” (You use “alternately” correctly in other instances, so beware of a search-and-replace, but here it should be “alternatively.”) 15th January 1925: Lose the comma. Page 21 Last graph of the first section, another case where you want “alternatively.” You want a comma after “end of the spectrum.” At the end of this column, “alternative” is used correctly. At the top of the second column, consider using the understated “and so on” instead of the ugly “etc.” with its period bracketing the closing parenthesis in such an uncouth manner. In the penultimate graph, you might want to insert a definite article: “…and draw a veil over the investigators’ failure…” It’s not wrong; it’s just awkward compared with the general style of the other prose. Page 22 Graph 1, penultimate sentence, lose a comma: “…where the investigators choose to go in terms of…” In the following graph, omit “ending in” before “China.” Under Historical and Setting Descriptions, adjust the punctuation: “Key locations have at least baseline Depictions, and the Keeper should feel free to add in further locations as events develop.” I see someone beat me to it, but for completeness’ sake, I’ll mention the sidebar should read “While the main text is written in U.S. English, certain…” Page 23 Please consider eliminating “etc.” from your written vocabulary. It’s puny and ugly, and it smells funny. Just before the section on Lethality, please adjust “The Keeper is advised to only pull such stunts…” to “The Keeper is advised only to pull such stunts…” Make the first paragraph after Lethality more elegant by deleting “with great frequency.” Restore the missing comma: “Certain encounters have been moderated for classic Call of Cthulhu play, but, for…” In the second graph of the next column, “mitigate against,” delete the second word. In the next graph, hyphenate “high-stakes.” Page 24 After If the Gate Opens, do you mean “Mythos activity swells” rather than “wells”? That seems to make more sense. In the last sentence of the same graph, omit the superfluous comma. In the next graph, there’s another “towards” you probably want to be “toward.” In the third graph after PREPARING FOR PLAY, last sentence, that semicolon needs to be a comma, em-dash, or colon, definitely not a semicolon. I would suggest the em-dash. Page 26 Top of the first column, add “in”: “…is provided in Appendix E,” Same sentence, add missing “to”: “as each has reasons to venture to or be in South America…” Third graph, correct to singular “interest” and add possessive “investigators’”: “In the interest of the investigators’ being able to communicate…” In the second full paragraph of the second column, make “playtests” one word. Page 27 In the third column, first graph after the heading, make “hand over” two words (verb form) rather than the one-word noun. I’m noticing increasing use of “player character” instead of “investigator.” If that’s by design, no worries. But if you prefer to use “investigator” and “hero” instead, it might bear a careful search and edit. Page 31 Viewing the kerning on the second line of the “Cowley, Professor Anthony” entry requires a SAN check. The final line of Jackson Elias’ entry wants a comma: “He gets wind of Nyarlathotep’s plan, but cultists chase him down and kill him.” Page 33 In Sir Aubrey’s entry, change “towards” to “toward.” Page 36 Under Skills, correct the spelling of “dialect”: “Language (Alngith Dialiect*) 45% (22/9)” [I understand it’s excruciating to run multiple spellchecks on such long game documents, but it’s worthwhile to do at least one more.] First graph after Backstory, change “it” to “its”: “… despite its being frowned upon…” Last sentence in Backstory, add a comma after “leader”: “Having corresponded with the expedition’s leader, Augustus Larkin, she packed…” Lose a comma, add a comma: “Description: white Australian with dark-brown hair, fair skin, and green eyes.” I’m not checking the character builds for game accuracy. That arithmetic I leave to better folk than I. Page 38 Near the bottom of column 1, add a comma: “Since returning from France, he has worked as a mechanic, but better engineering jobs have eluded him.” Page 39 Near the bottom of column 1, the semicolon after “New York Public Library” should be a comma or an em-dash. Page 40 Near the bottom of column 1, hyphenate “silver-spoon.” Page 41 First graph of Backstory, upgrade comma to semicolon: “Book-learning wasn’t Perry’s style; he preferred getting his hands all bloody…” Revise the last sentence of the backstory, omitting a word and adding another: “…to Lima to arrive in time for the expedition’s departure.” The “Traits” entry is missing its bullet. Page 42 At the top of Backstory, lose the comma after “family.” Near the end of Backstory, change “towards” to “toward.” After “Traits,” make “foolhardy” one word. If you’re going to use “i.e.,” include the comma. Alternatively, use “that is,” instead. Page 45 In the Backstory, delete “of some renown” to avoid redundancy. Revise the description to avoid suggesting the hair is smiling: • Description: white French; wavy blonde hair and a broad smile.

Credits page Paragraph 2: Make “Playtesters” one word. Under Clear Credit, graph 2: change “as well as creating” to “as well as creates” for parallel consistency. Or revise it the other way around with a bit of rewriting. Graph 3: change the full stop before “John French” to a semicolon. Throughout: Search on “toward” and decide whether you want “toward” or “towards” as your standard. (If you’re aiming for American style, it’s “toward.”) Page 7 At the top, add a couple of commas: “Greetings, Gentle Reader. If you are reading this, you have purchased…” Under A Classic reanimated, the final sentence of the second graph is stronger if attached to the previous sentence with a comma or an em-dash. Change “loving” to “lovingly.” If you are a stickler, as I know you are, you’ll want to capitalize Internet. I’d encourage you to omit “and further” after “dig deeper.” (If you must include it, the metaphor is more consistent with “farther,” but you don’t need it. Sometimes you’ll use two adjectives when one of them is clearly superior and would be stronger alone.) Before “building on firm foundations,” reduce the semicolon to a comma. If I were editing this passage for style, I’d have more advice to offer. Page 8 At the top, hyphenate “less-than-professional approach.” Under The Campaign, after the quotation, change “where” to “when,” since it follows a date, not a location. In the second graph of the second column, don’t you want to specify Call of Cthulhu 7th Edition? Every previous edition was also written for Call of Cthulhu, so it’s not a distinction as framed. Page 9 Under Introduction, second sentence, lose the “s” from “parts” or “provides” (but not both) for agreement. There are a number of style issues an editor would address, but I’ll try to limit myself to actual corrections. Still, I’d like to stress that a more rigorous editorial pass a few months before release would be a shot in the arm for publications that have such strong substance. Last paragraph: You can omit the “to” in “lead to,” since “where” already takes its place. Add the possessive apostrophe to “the players’ doing something unexpected.” Page 10 After SUMMARY OF EVENTS: THE PUBLIC VERSION, that first sentence could use reconstruction. The key is that you want “led by 24-year-old Roger Carlyle” adjacent to, “The Carlyle Expedition.” The simplest way is to start the sentence with the former phrase. Second graph: Again, you want “who” and “Sir Aubrey Penhew” much closer. The simplest fix is to make the last phrase its own sentence with a pronoun: “He then joined the team.” Page 12 Graph 2: omit the word “being” to make both “intractable” and “immune” agree with the verb “proved.” In the last graph of column one, omit the hyphen in “sickly sweet.” (Adverbs ending in “-ly” don’t take a hyphen. No one knows why.) Under PREPARING THE GREAT PLAN: NOW, the colon in the first sentence ought to be a comma or, perhaps better, the word “and” preceded by a comma. In the last graph, omit the comma after “millions of years ago.” This is really a question of style, but omitting it makes it consistent with the sentence that follows, which doesn’t use one in a similar position. Page 13 In the sidebar, after Roger Carlyle: no need to hyphenate “far-gone.” If parallel structure matters to you, you might consider revising a few of the descriptions to match the verb-led structure of the majority. Thus: Roger Carlyle: is confined… Jack Brady: remains in hiding… Hypatia Masters: has become a babbling… Page 14 In the two parenthetical notations in the second graph, you use a semicolon once and a comma in a similar position the second time. Neither is wrong, but they ought to be consistent. I’d stick with the comma, since it’s clear without the added emphasis of a semicolon, which you might need in a later, more complex notation. (The third one in the next graph also uses just the comma.) Page 15 Second full graph, make “Elder Gods or Great Old Ones” plural to match “they.” Graph at the bottom of column one, add a comma: “Nyarlathotep’s forms vary greatly, and the keeper…” Same graph at the top of the next column: lose the superfluous comma. It’s not worth changing, but except in rare instances of providing clarity, you needn’t put “in order” before a verb phrase like “to realize.” Empty extra words. If you can shed them, your prose becomes a little more muscular. Page 16 Penultimate graph, add a comma: “for average cult members, and these…” Also, add a full stop after “Contact Nyarlathotep.” Omit “and,” and instead begin the next clause with “Should.” Page 17 At the top, “led by M’Weru” needs to be closer to “cult.” Likewise, in the next sentence, “which was set up” wants to be closer to “branch.” In the first sentence of the second graph, omit the comma after “avatar.” That final sentence is also a bit messy. Consider this revision: “An enormous and horrific monstrosity, nearly ten times the height of the average human. With rending claws and, in place of a face, a single long, bloodred tentacle that stretches upward, as if reaching for the stars.” Note that this version puts the modifying phrase after “tentacle” and uses the American “upward.” You might want to do a careful search on the several -ward/-wards and make them consistent, either American or British. Omit the comma after “human”: “The Black Pharaoh is an Egyptian-looking human dressed…” In the penultimate line of column one, make that semicolon a colon. Under Cult of the Sand Bat, add a comma: “had all but died out, and it was only…” You could also lose the commas on either side of “nevertheless.” In the next graph, the semicolon could be a comma or an em-dash, but not a semicolon. Lose the comma after “Nyarlathotep.” The semicolon near the end is fine, but add a comma after “instead.” Under Order of the Bloated Woman, lose the comma after “(270 kg).” Lose the comma after “exclusively Chinese.”

I would love to use terrain when playing CoC. City streets, cars, trains, junks, partial or complete steam ships, and various other vehicles, modular rooms including police stations, jail cells, mining offices, asylums, doctors' office, surgery, guard house, train stations, museums, Egyptian and other ancient tombs, docks, warehouses, rope bridges, jungle and desert camp sites ... the list could be endless. I'd be particularly keen if the designers were to take cues from the more famous CoC campaigns. I'll keep an eye on the Facebook page.

Outstanding tabletop. I also love the maps, props, minis, and such for your D&D game. Living the dream.

By the bye, our two sessions at IntrigueCon went shockingly well, with a few odd moments. SPOILERS BELOW We had five players for the first session and six for the second. Everyone was committed to roleplaying, and the opening narration (with the recommended music) set an excellent tone. The investigators reacted almost perfectly as anticipated by the scenario, until spying on the mansion. They had twin schemes to enter the grounds, one of them a bold but ultimately futile attempt to bluff their way in through the main gates, and a less clever but ultimately successful effort to scale the walls. They were careful not to be seen, and once they had enough evidence, they got out in a swift but clumsy escape, overpowering two guards before retreating back to Paris. Thus, alas, they missed out on the ballroom scene. I couldn't think of a naturalistic way to persuade them to remain, so they missed those horrid/wonderful moments, which we made up later in post-arrest interrogations. They also made the prudent decision to launch the arrest in broad daylight, planning to overcome all residents first, then dress soldiers as servants to scoop up the party guests later. I couldn't fault their logic, and we were pressed for time, so we plowed through with a slightly abbreviated but still exciting conflict downstairs much as is written. One investigator was nearly slain and of course a few instances of momentary insanity heightened the excitement. (We had one technical fatality, but I overlooked it rather than demand a new investigator for the second day of the convention, since the same player wanted to continue, and scars are fun.) We did have two characters contract the white plague, which darkened the atmosphere considerably the next session, but which did not, as it turned out, make the sacrificial decision any easier. In the second scenario, things also went more or less as the designers anticipated, but the investigators tipped their hands early and were soon on the run from the secret police. After we resolved a few unfortunate moments of dividing the group without clear plans for a rendezvous, they explored the flat at the sensible time, got the information they needed moments after a startled investigator fired a shot at the flayed cadaver, and made their appointment with Zann. Again we were pressed for time, so the villain's demise came immediately as a deux ex machina on the heels of the sacrifice, which was a lovely double-cross in which one investigator knocked out the Serjeant, who'd resolved to serve as sacrifice, on account of his dependent family and his recent adoption of the dog of an investigator swept away by the Music from Beyond, thus taking his place beneath the guillotine. I'll certainly run this as a flashback at the appropriate time when I resume the full Horror on the Orient Express campaign, but probably over three or four sessions instead of only two.

Yes, if you want to know what F was up to at the time of the Revolution, although much of that is strongly alluded to in the original.

BTW, the medallion is worth every penny, including the (surprisingly reasonable) cost of shipping from Australia. Highly recommended. Pick up some Innsmouth gold while you're at it.

Page 46 In the last sentence of column one, add a comma: “This is a pivotal moment, and …” In the second column, omit a comma: “…whether they stand aside or whether they join ranks…” You could also cut the second “whether they.” In the second graph, add a comma: “…know about this period of history, they might…” Also, at the head of the sentence, change “any” to “some” to keep the number consistent. Page 47 In the first paragraph, delete “The” before “Finance Minister.” In the sidebar, second bullet point, lowercase “occupation.” In the graph that follows, demote the semicolon to a comma. Page 48 In the first graph, omit the comma after “Captain Malon.” Third graph, add a comma: “History knows that the Bastille falls, but, for this story, let the investigators…” Page 52 In the middle of the first graph, revise: “The following information is intended for the Keeper to help understand the course of the Revolution, but it may be shared with the player as the Keeper sees fit.” In column two, lowercase “finance minister.” Page 53 Paragraph 3, lowercase “finance minister.” Revise “no-one” to “no one.” Add a comma: “A wave of destruction, looting, and panic spreads…” In the last sentence of column 2, add a comma: …the power of the mob does not wane, and the bright hopes…” On the following pages and elsewhere, I’d love to see the historical art credited. Page 57 In the illustration caption, if you’re going to spell Docteur in the French manner, why not go all the way with Docteur des Ténèbres or the like? In the sidebar, make it “five-year gap.” I haven’t commented on every use of numerals in the text, and I don’t know whether you’re using Chicago or another style manual, but this one is obtrusive. Second column, third graph, add a comma: “…under the direction of Maximillian Robespierre, and, as hysteria…” Also, in the same sentence, make “who is” and “who are” consistent. I would go with “is.” In the final graph, hyphenate “round-the-table.” Page 58 Hyphenate “press-ganged.” In the second paragraph, omit the comma. In the third, add a comma after “sacrifice.” Under “Where did you fight?” in the last sentence, add a comma after “region.” In “What of your families?” second graph, add commas after “upside down” and after “serve in the army.” In the sidebar, second graph, omit the comma after “one-half.” After the Keeper note, the first sentence needs revision for a muddled modifying phrase. I suggest: “Keeper note: in inviting the players to say what has happened to their investigation, the Keeper may find that they declare their loved ones have been executed.” The following sentence could also be clearer. I suggest revising “them” to “the investigators” and simplifying what follows the em-dash, perhaps: “—making their decision about whom to sacrifice at the end of Part Two that much more dramatic.” Page 60 Under “Keeper Background: Part Two,” second graph, add a comma after “basement of horrors.” Add another comma after “comes to understand that.” Hyphenate “thirty-year-old” (because of the implied “man” or “being,” it’s adjectival). In the sidebar, paragraph three, revise for clarity: “Additionally, considering granting each investigator +1D6 points of Cthulhu Mythos in addition to any points gained through episodes of insanity. Fenalik’s basement of horrors showed them that the material world is paper-thin.” In the second column, add a comma after “feed enough souls to Azathoth.” Delete the unnecessary “of magnitude.” Page 62 First paragraph, omit the comma in the second sentence, the one after “Dreamlands.” Also omit the comma after (The Supreme Void). In the first sentence after “Start: June 1794,” add a close parenthesis after “1793.” Rather than “conflated by,” I suspect you intend “conflated with,” or possibly you want a different verb entirely. In the first bulleted item, add a comma after “de-Christianization campaign.” Since certain sections of the text are more strict about such commas (which modern usage considers optional), you might also add one after “but” and before “since.” The document as a whole isn’t consistent, so omitting that one is fine. Stannis called: “fewer than six.” Second column, under “Citizen Rigault”: add a comma after “grim.” (This one’s optional, but it doesn’t hurt and might aid clarity.) It might be worth explaining that a hessian sack is a burlap sack. The former is a very uncommon term in North America. Also, in the last sentence you have the number shift again. I suggest: “All wear hessian (burlap) sacks over their heads.” If you’d like to avoid the awkward punctuation, revise “A close inspection reveals his skin is whiter—perhaps a trick of the light?” Revise the final sentence: “Once the crowd is cleared, the investigators are to guard the entrance, to allow no one in, and not to obstruct the workers moving the bones.” Page 64 First graph, hyphen and comma: “... by anonymous tip-off, and, on seeing the investigators, will similarly report…” Third graph, revise for number: “The cart drivers sit glumly on their wagons, leaving as soon as their carts are emptied.” Next graph, omit the comma after “Catacombs.” Next graph, revise the text after the em-dash: “—a lantern hangs outside the entrance, and two hang from each cart.” Next graph: “Once the investigators are able to descend, it becomes…” Add a comma after “hooded workers.” Column two, graph three: “…filled with sudden rage and drops its armload of skulls, and then it attacks…” “five rounds” Final graph, first line, revise: “Beyond the investigators’ lanterns, a dim purple phosphorescence gives off an eldritch light.” Change “whorl” (a noun) to “whirl” (verb). Page 65 Under “An Ally Unseen,” add a comma after “hisses.”

Page 34 After “Kitchens and Pantries:” revise the first sentence to avoid the misplaced modifier: “prodigious feasts are produced in a vast kitchen that serves the Comte’s guests.” Page 35 On the last line, omit the hyphen between “Female Louis XVI.” Page 36 Under “The Host,” add a comma: “…the double doors suddenly swing open, and in walks…” In the second and third graphs, lowercase both “king” and “queen” since you aren’t using them as titles but as nouns. Likewise, at the top of the next column, “The comte.” (It’s “Compte Fenalik” but “the comte in question.”) In the next graph, again you need no hyphen between “female Louis.” Again, “the comte” is lowercase. This will be an easy search and replace if you do it with care. The tricky bit is when you write “the Comte Fenalik,” but since the title precedes the name, I think you’re right to keep those capitalized. I overlooked previous instances of “the queen” (lowercase). For instance, back on page 14, it should be “The last queen of France,” but it would of course be “Queen Marie Antoinette and King Louis.” Incidentally, if you use it as an appositive, it’s also capitalized, as in “Louis, King of France.” Also, the same is true of ranks, so it’s “Captain Malon,” but it’s “report to the captain.” Page 37 Note that in the first sentence of the sidebar, “their captain” is lowercase. Second graph in the second column, second sentence, add a comma: “There is proof of the excesses of the aristos in abundance, but that can be found…” Page 38 Hyphenation and punctuation as noted previously. Careful search and replace will catch them. Page 39 Under “The Doctor’s Advice,” omit the comma: "Captain Malon confides in Doctor Rigault and invites…” Page 40 Under “Family Farewells,” revise “…time for investigators to go home…” Second graph after “The Raid,” change “Locals” to “Common People” (or add “Common People” before “page 90” in the parentheses. In the last sentence of this paragraph, omit the comma in the last sentence. In the first graph under “The Guests Arrive,” revise “…each is told to remove their wig…” to “…all are told to remove their wigs…” and “…are given a bloody animal head…” to “…are given bloody animal heads…” Again, I’m suggesting this one not to avoid the non-gender-specific “their” but to keep the number (singular vs. plural) consistent throughout the sentence. Have I mentioned this is the most beautiful publication you’ve printed since 7th Edition arrived? Do whatever it takes to keep this artist busy with your products. Page 45 You capitalize Proto-Vampires after not doing so earlier in the sidebar. I see no reason to capitalize it anyway. After the “Keeper note:” revise “handover” to “hand over.”

Here's a little more. Credits Page Under the dedication, re-punctuate the second line: “We’ll always have Paris—roll SAN!” Page 21 Third graph under “The Disturbance”: Add a comma: “Rigault’s patience snaps, and he commands…” Second column, first graph under “into the Catacombs”: It appears you have an extraneous full stop at the end. Page 23 First line, add a comma after “The Ghoul That Was Guillaume.” You refer to Guillaume alternately as “he” and “it.” Maybe better to stick to one. Under “The Captain,” do you really mean “comandeering” (as in, he’s now taking charge of them), or do you mean “commanding officer”? I suspect the latter, since I get the impression he’s always been the one to whom the serjeant reports. You could lose the commas after “interruption” and “tall man.” I would recommend it. In the second graph, since you’ve referred to other plurals since mentioning “the investigators,” I’d revise “More soldiers are following to replace them on guard duty” to “… to replace the investigators on guard duty.” Second column, first graph, add a comma: “The people of Paris are starving, and the investigators…” Below “Outside the Printing Press,” revise “…a long and dark building, which takes up…” to “… a long and dark building that takes up…” (If I were doing a first editing pass, I’d revise the entire sentence, since the press isn’t a building at all but the ground floor of one.) In the next sentence, add a comma: “The wooden floor has been kicked open, and a frightened group…” In the final graph, add a comma: “…She directed him to the door at the side of the building, and the aristo advised her…” Incidentally, does one “draw a bolt” the way one “draws a curtain”? I’ve never heard that idiom, and an Internet search won’t give me an example. Perhaps “slammed and bolted the door” is cleaner. Page 24 First line, add two commas (it’s usually fine to omit the first one, since the phrase is so short, but this particular sentence could be misread without one): “Soon after, the most terrible sounds came from the printer’s room, but she was too terrified…” Under “The Murders,” “type setting” should be a single word, “typesetting.” In the next sentence, “freshly-printed” needs no hyphen. You never need a hyphen when you use an adverb that ends in “-ly.” I know, it’s crazy. That’s what we get for speaking such a mongrel tongue. I blame the Dutch for this one. I accept the inevitability of “their” as a non-gender-specific singular, but you could make the sentence in the third graph much more elegant with this revision: “All have had their throats slashed ...” (As it stands, you’ll want to change “throats” to “throat” if you use the modern singular.) Two graphs later, add a comma: “…the terrible truth that, while Raymond…” In the next graph, another “freshly-printed” that doesn’t need a hyphen. I’ll stop calling them out, but there are more, and you can find them easily with a careful search/replace. Page 25 (Back on page 19, you don’t capitalize Prologue Narration, but you do in every other instance. Later, on page 58, you refer to it as Prologue Narrative. If you capitalize it, you should keep the name consistent.) Under “The Investigators’ Report,” omit the comma: “Captain Malon arrives with more soldiers.” Page 26 Second graph after “The Palace,” hyphenate “run-down.” Also, considering how many “ands” appear in that sentence, maybe it’s worth separating the short first independent clause with a comma after “…the buildings are run-down, and the shabbiness…” First graph under “People of the Palace,” revise the second sentence to begin, “Their lives are determined…” Also, add a comma: “…by position, favor, and birth, and governed …” (The final comma is debatable, but it aids clarity, so I suggest leaving it.) I no longer have handy my old primer with the lovely section on hyphenated adjectives, but I believe you can omit the hyphen in “kind hearted” since it comes after the noun it modifies. That said, I found conflicting references online. Merriam-Webster makes it “kindhearted,” while others hyphenate. We’re in the dark chasm of the grammar underground with this one. Next graph, add a comma after “brusque.” It’s perhaps a fine point, but in the third graph the pages can’t provide proof of noble birth dating back at least 200 years. They can provide proof of noble ancestry dating back that far, unless they’re undead wizards. On my PDF, the possessive “queen’s” looks compressed. If it’s not an anomaly of viewing it on the screen, your typesetter might correct it. Hyphenate “lady-in-waiting.” (Incidentally, I adore these historical details, some of which immediately inspire their own Mythos scenarios.) Add a comma after “toilets.” In the first graph of the third column, add a comma: “Absolute obedience is required, and any…” In the second graph, correct “knocked” to “knocks.” The hyphenated “no-one” is British, but you seem to default American, so use “no one.” In the third graph, you have a long sentence that wants to promote some serial commas to semicolons: “She takes part in amateur theatricals; is a patron of the stage, opera, and ballet; embroiders; plays the clavichord; and spends her evening gambling…” In the next graph, add a comma after “1789.” Page 27 Since you abbreviate every other instance of “Apartments,” you might abbreviate “King’s Apts.” (I love the maps and art in this one.) Page 29 In the first bullet item, add a comma: “It is a terrible thing, but …” (Since the first clause is so short, it’s optional, but the emphasis it adds to the “but” is helpful.) In the first graph after “Melodie Benoit,” add a comma after “blind.” Under “Asking About the Comte,” omit the comma in the first bullet point. Column two, third bullet point, omit the comma or add “she” before or after “now.” Page 30 First graph after the first set of bullet points: omit the comma after “reservation.” First of the second set of bullet points: omit the existing commas and add one after “day.” Page 31 Since the explanation immediately follows, you don’t need the parenthetical “(see following)” just before “The Death of the Dauphin.” Last graph before “A Kiss”: revise to “The investigators are given a letter that authorizes them…” Page 32 First graph, revise to: “Shadows are dark among the trees, and the wildlife…” Third graph, revise to: “A Hard Persuade roll breaks through the veneer, but, instead of an answer, the villager pleads …” (It’s stylistically okay to omit that second comma, but since this document usually uses it in similar situations, I’ve included it here.) Second column, first graph: delete “of” before “reddish-pink.” (Incidentally, I love it when the commentary includes suggested consequences for failed pushed rolls. I’d like to see that even more often in future products.) In the final graph before “The House,” “might potentially” is almost comically redundant. I’d cut it to “might.” After “The House,” omit the comma after “styles.” “As the viewer gets closer” to “As the viewers move closer.”

How much more time before you lock in the text? The busiest part of my week is past, and I'm thinking of diving back in, but only if it'll be useful.

Page 9, under “The Bourgeois”: Omit the comma after “blue.” Page 9, near the end of the second column: add a comma after “Casinos operate on the second floor,” … Page 10, first column, second graph: change “ender” to “enter,” and add a comma after the closing parenthesis. Page 10, first bullet item under “The Price of Bread”: omit the comma after “A family needs two loaves a day” or else add “they” after the “so.” Page 10 in the “Monetary Value” sidebar: omit the comma after the first line. Page 11, near the end of the first column: once again, King Stannis confiscates your “less” and offers you “fewer.” Page 12, column 2, second paragraph: add a comma after “supply.” Add another after “blue jackets.” Page 12, column 2 at the bottom: hyphenate “much-needed.” Page 12, column 3, end of the second graph: omit both of your final full stops and place one after the closing parenthesis. Page 12, column three, next paragraph, second sentence: changing “Through” to “Throughout” will both be clearer and flesh out your column nicely. You might also add a comma after “Throughout the Terror,” but it’s a judgment call since the phrase is short. Page 14, under “Monsier Raymond (deceased)”: the semicolon after “Comte Fenalik” should be a comma. Page 14, under “King Louis XVI”: omit the comma after “out-of-touch ruler.” Page 14: It’s a small thing, but it might be nice to move Comte Benoit’s description up to accompany his illustration. I sense the layout artist wanted text balance between this page and the next, but the Comte’s entry is short, and the value of having it beside his image might outweigh the symmetry. If you change the order, of course, you’ll want to edit the texst under “DRAMATIS PERSONAE” on the previous page. Page 15: Again, a fine point, but under “Deitrich Zann,” the Music from beyond is describe as “unplayable,” which is obviously untrue once he plays it. (And if the point is that it’s unplayable as a symphony, then it’s still a bit muddled in expression.) Page 17: Last sentence in the first graph of the prologue narration: the last sentence is a punctuation mess. Consider changing it thus: “One man holds his head high. His back is to us. We cannot see his face.” Alternatively, connect the second two clauses with a semicolon, but not as it lies. Page 17, third column of the same narration, fourth sentence: add a comma to “The executioner steps forwards to push him down, but the man kneels…” Incidentally, it seems a shame to share the uncommon term “tumbril” with the keeper but not to introduce it to the players here. I suppose you didn’t want the horsey business of explaining a term in narration, but one of the joys of Call of Cthulhu scenarios is that they introduce us to delicious periods of history, and words that have become uncommon are part of the spice I love. Page 18, also incidentally, I appreciate the musical suggestion here. Another suggestion for the music of Dietrich Zann would be most welcome, if not in a revision of this existing text then perhaps on the message boards. Page 19, first line after “START: THE CEMETERY”: there might be a space missing after the second sentence, or it might look that way because of the typesetting. Consider deleting “It is” to give the graph some breathing room, since you’re already using fragments to set the scene. Page 19, the very next graph: I haven’t mentioned previous instances because there’s some ambiguity, but you often use “which” when you could more clearly use “that” and omit the comma. In this instance, the subordinate clause could be restrictive, identifying the quarries by their location: “The catacombs are old limestone quarries that lie beneath the streets of Paris.” I know. Even King Stannis would scoff at this one. Page 19, third graph after Cemetery: you can (and I think should) drop the comma after “Catholic priests.” Page 19, second column, first graph, second sentence: add a comma after “The paris police had been assigned to the task, but …” Page 19, second column, third graph: omit the comma after “(tuberculosis).” Same graph, add a comma after “i.e.” Page 20, first bullet-point item: add a comma after “exciting.” Page 20, Historical Note: fix the punctuation: “… was largely complete by 1787; however, the date has been extended …” Page 20, under “The Doctor,” add a comma after “Rigault wears a wig.”

Page 6, column 1, first bullet item after “USING THIS SCENARIO”: omit the extraneous quotation mark at the end of the final sentence. Page 6, column 2, second bullet item: delete the comma after “broken up.” Page 6, column 2, first paragraph after the bullet items: omit the second comma in the final sentence. Page 7, column 1, first bullet item: add a comma and lose a comma, and note the corrected possessive apostrophe: “You might play this scenario immediately, but note that it is a long interlude before you return to 1923 Paris and will be an early reveal of what lies beneath the Loriens’ house in Poissy.” Page 7, column 1, second bullet item: add a comma to the first sentence: “The soldier’s diary was never published, but Fenalik has it among his possessions.” Page 7, column 1, under “Handouts for 1923 Investigators”: change “alternate” to “alternative.” Page 7, column 2, second graph under “Everyday Life”: Hyphenate “brand-new.” Page 7, column 2, same paragraph: missing comma: “Taxes triple the price of wine, and, as a result…” Page 8, first column, first graph: “Most of the apartments have three rooms or fewer, and only half…” Also, King Stannis sends his regards (and admiration for your typesetter’s use of the en-dash). Page 8, first column, second graph: add a comma after “Île de la Cité.” Page 65: “Rigault’s statistics can be found on page 95.” It’s actually page 96. (I haven’t methodically checked page references, but this one leaped out at me, so perhaps it’s worth someone’s time to give it another pass.) Page 68, second column, under “Rigault’s Routine”: Bring the full stop inside the quotation marks in “autopsies.” Back Cover: You have “The Terror” with “The” capitalized, while in the interior you never capitalize “The.” While I plan to re-read the scenario once or twice more before running it at a local con in a few weeks, I'm not sure how soon I'll get back to it. I have a busy week, and I feel my first autumn cold tickling in my throat.

Page 121 under "Comrades": You want no comma after "Serjant Renault: a good man". Page 123: Pressi's "Comrades" listing has an extraneous bullet point. Also, none of the "Comrades" entries need the commas. Also, his "Significant People" tag should be bold. Page 124: Should be, "Who cares anyway? There's nothing to be done about it." At the top of column 2, "extravert" should be "extrovert." Incidentally, the backstory notes flip-flop from second- to third-person. For example, in Hugel's: "Significant People: you love your one-legged husband..." but then "adept at maintaining her disguise." It'll require a little more effort, but the second-person sure is stronger, and consistency smooths over these speed bumps. Apologies for the spotty nature of these notes. These stuck out in memory after my first reading of the backer edition, and I've only just started to look for them in the full PDF.

You also use both "among" and "amongst." I suggest sticking to "among" (and "amid," for that matter) since most of your style choices lean American rather than British standard.

On page six, you have three instances of "a historical," when in the introduction and in the back-cover copy you use "an historical." I suggest "an," but whichever way you go, consistency is groovy.

Throughout: when your adverb ends in -ly, you don't need a hyphen to connect it to the following noun.

I'll run this excellent scenario at the small but fierce IntrigueCon convention in October. Morrison and Love did stellar work on this one.

Can you recommend a published scenario dealing with the Thuggee or related cults? Bonus points if it's a non-supernatural scenario.

Wow! I missed some fantastic replies since switching computers (and then inadvertently smashing my notebook monitor, recently replaced). Thanks for all the excellent suggestions. I see some new acquisitions in my future.

Thanks for all this great work. You've saved me and others lots of effort searching for similar images.

They're one of the townsfolk sets: http://www.reapermini.com/OnlineStore/nerd%20chick%20jock/sku-down/50090 Thanks for the Clix list. I hadn't considered them before, but it makes perfect sense.

I'm also thinking players might choose from this Reaper set: