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So I'm dinking around in the Guide to Glorantha and what should I stumble upon?


Halkomelem (small city): The natives of this small town are never more than four feet tall (and usually less), the result of their ancestors being Tapped by their Brithini overlords some
generations ago. Despite, or perhaps because of, their cursed stature, the Halkomelemites are devotedly servile to the Brithini and always dress in extremely garish blue clothes. They
are governed by various guilds that perform esoteric services for the Brithini.

Halflings in Glorantha?  HOBBITS?!?!

Imagine coming home to your two labradors named Jeff and Greg and finding they'd pooped on your new carpet.

"What's this?  What did you do?  WHAT'S THIS?"

You dumped Hobbits in Glorantha?

So of course I intend to have great fun with this :)

Our players:  halflings from Halkomelem, smack dab on the border with the Kingdom of War.  Oh goodie! 

Their patron:  A Brithini named Gandalf.  I know what you're thinking.  THAT Gandalf?  Yep, the same Gandalf who came into Halkomelem generations ago and tapped all the hobbits ancestors into their current cursed existence.  This a**hat Gandalf guy is such a douche that he even has the audacity to treat the hobbits like they're his good friends.  He comes around on occasion to set off fireworks, the secret of which he stole from the dwarves in the god time.  And these poor hobbits, suffering as they are from Stockholm Syndrome, will do anything to be his friend.  They'll even go on adventures for him.

Which brings us to our tale.  A group of victimized hobbits, Frodo, Sam, Pippin and Merry, are sent by the abusive and amoral Gandalf, on a dangerous quest to defeat Lord Death on a Horse.  First off, Gandalf gives Frodo a magical ring.

"What does it do?" asks Frodo.  "Do I throw it in a volcano to destroy Lord Death on a Horse?"

"No, you twit!" replies Gandalf, "If it were that easy I'd have just stayed in the City of Brass.  You think I'd travel all the way out here to see you little shits just to give you a ring to destroy that I could have done at home?"

"Oh, of course not," Frodo bows his head in shame.  "I'm sorry I'm such a dumbass.  I'll try to be smarter.  What do I do with this ring?"

"Why you wear it, of course."  seeing Frodo's look of consternation, Gandalf explains, "it will make you invisible so you can sneak past the enemy and right up to Lord Death on a Horse."

"What then?" Frodo asks, tugging on the ring which he notices won't come off.

"My, you're a very perceptive little fellow aren't you?" Gandalf pats the hobbit on the head.  "At that point I'll tap the crap out of you till you're the size of a little flea.  Then you'll climb up upon Lord Death on a Horse until you reach his ear.  Then you'll crawl inside, I'll turn you into a zombie and you'll eat his brains!"  Gandalf smiled and patted Frodo on the head again.  "Now run along.  The fate of all Glorantha rests on your shoulders."

Later that day, as Frodo and his freinds set off for the Kingdom of War, Frodo turns to Sam.  "Sam, if we ever get anywhere's near Lord Death on a Horse, promise me one thing." 

"Certainly dear Frodo."

"Bite off my damned ring finger!"

Edited by Pentallion
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3 hours ago, Jeff said:

Those aren't halflings. I believe the representatives of the Lollypop Guild would be very distraught by that characteristic.

Those guys are completely different family in Halkomelem.  The Munchkin Clan.  They send off Dorothy, an underaged Vingan, to kill the evil witch Ezdene, by tossing a bucket of water from the Janube upon her..  First, however, they tell her to go to the City of Brass to see the Wizard and get the water blessed.  They get paid good gold sending underaged girls to this wizard (hence the term Lollypop Guild), so they call it the yellowbrick road. 

Never mind what happens behind that curtain.

Edited by Pentallion
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After completing the "flying monkey", ( a grotesque sexual act no doubt), the vingan is never the same after and applies for Babeestor Gori membership with her fearful companion Basmoli. 

Seems plausible...

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On her way to the Wizard of Sog, Dorothy comes across a Jack O'Bear disguised as a scarecrow, a Tin Dwarf and a cowardly Basmoli who is very far from home.  When she tells them where she's going, the Tin Dwarf casts a knowing eye at the Basmoli and the Scarecrow, but the Jack O'Bear plays dumb and the Basmoli IS dumb so sighing, he trudges along after them.

Meanwhile, Frodo and Company decide to avoid the Kingdom of War altogether and head for the Nidan Mountains.  When they learn the entrance is called the Brass Citadel, they fear it's related to the City of Brass and head east instead.  Eventually, they come to High Llama Pass and Bad Deal but Gandalf appears.

"Running away?" He glares at them.

"Why, uh, no." Frodo replies.  Pippin quickly steps up.  "Isn't this the way to Lord Death on a Horse?"

"You know full well it isn't Master Pippin." Gandalf snarls.  The Brithini starts to prepare his Tap spell.

"Hey! Aren't you the a**hat who stole our secret to gunpowder?" shouts a dwarf.  "Get him!"  A huge Jolanti suddenly appears.

"Well, that's just craptastic!" Gandalf groans.  He casts a baleful glance at Frodo, "I'll deal with you later.  Now fly you fools!"

"Uh, we're not with him." Pippin shouts to the dwarves.  "In fact, we're Hobbits trying to make our way south."

"Yer what?" replies a mean looking dwarf encased in iron and carrying a long tube.

"Hobbits." Pippin replies.

"There are no Hobbits in Glorantha." the Iron dwarf spits on the ground as if speaking the word was distasteful.

"You're right," Frodo suddenly steps forward.  "We are not Hobbits.  We're dwarves, like you.  The wizard over there" Frodo motions to Gandalf who was shouting ultimatums at the Jolanti which the creature was gleefully ignoring, "he shaved off all our body hair."  then Frodo whispered, "And he did things to us."  He eyed the dwarf knowingly.

"Why that sick - " the dwarf was outraged," TAKE THAT ONE ALIVE!"  He motioned to Frodo and his friends.  "you can go on through.  And good luck to ye."

Edited by Pentallion
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So it was in Bad Deal that the "dwarves" met some other travelling companions.  Boromir, a knight from Loskalm, was on an Errant Quest.  Aragorn, an Orlanthi, was exiled from Jonatela.  An iron dwarf named Gimli, having heard of the hairless dwarves, vowed to guard them until they grew their hair back so they could return with honor to Nida and an elf named Legolas, an spruce elf from Ballid.  He was fond of saying "The Spruce is Loose!" and considered himself quite the dryad's elf.  Together they went south towards Lankst.   Frodo said nothing, but he was certain they were being followed. 

As they trudged down the mountain path, Sam turned to Frodo.  "Say what Frodo?"

"I didn't say anything Sam."

Sam shrugged and continued walking..  Then he turned around.  "There!  You said it again!"

Frodo had heard it too.  "It wasn't me!  Quiet!"

Then they heard it again.  "It's the Ring!"  Frodo held it to his ear and listened carefully. 

"What's it saying?" Sam asked.  By now Boromir had come over to see what the hold up was.

"It says, Get me the F outta this ring!"

"A talking ring!" Sam said in awe.

"You have a talking ring?"  Boromir asked. "I'm on a quest for such a ring.  The Laughing Ring of Talar.  Give it to me!"

"But this ring doesn't laugh, it just demands to be let out."  Frodo didn't like the gleam in Boromir's eyes.  It reminded him of Gandalf the Blue when he'd had a few too many ales.

"I said give me the ring!"  Boromir drew his sword.  Frodo used his invisibility.  Aragorn ran up and asked what was going on, slamming into Frodo and knocking him down so hard the wind was knocked out of him.  then Sam stumbled over him and stepped on his tender parts.  Too late, Frodo realized how dangerous it was to be invisible.

Boromir ran off mistakenly thinking Frodo had gone that way and the others followed, except Sam who had landed atop Frodo.  "They're gone Mr. Frodo" Sam said at last.

"uhhhhhh" replied Frodo.

"Good, I think we should be going too."  And Sam slung Frodo over his shoulder and slipped away.

Aragorn had the party split up to find the missing Hobbits.  Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas went one way, and  Boromir, Pippin and Merry went another where they ran smack dab into a group called the Cut Throats.  They controlled High Llama Pass.

"What kind of creatures are you?"  They asked Merry

"We're Hobbits." said Merry.  Pippin gave him a sharp jab in the ribs.

"There are no Hobbits in Glorantha." The leader of the Cut Throats spat as if saying the word left a foul taste..

"We're hairless dwarves." replied Pippin.

"Well, it'll cost ya to cross our Pass. "The leader of the Cut Throats said.  "We'll take your two hairless dwarves."

"Deal." said Boromir.  They shook on it and the knight of Loskalm went his way and was never seen again.

Edited by Pentallion
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Meanwhile on the way to the City of Brass, the Tin Dwarf asks Dorothy where she got those shiny red shoes.

"Glenda the Good Witch gave them to me.  Dorothy explains.  "She said I should wear cherry red shoes because that would signify, symbolize, I forget, but she said once they saw those shoes they'd know who to send me to."

"Is that all she said?" the dwarf asked.

"Well, no, she said something to the little people as I walked off.  She said 'I'd tap that.' and they all thought it was very funny.  Strange people."  Dorothy didn't see the Jack O'Bear and the Tin Dwarf exchange glances.

"By the way," the dwarf asked the Jack O'Bear, "Why are you dressed like a scarecrow?"

"We all dress this way where I'm from."  The Jack O'Bear answered.

"where's that?"

"Rabbit Hat Farm."

"Hmm.  Never heard of it."

"I'm not from around here."

Suddenly, the Basmoli started laughing.  "Oh, I get it!  I'd tap that.  hahaha!"  Then he saw the dwarf staring at him and giving a meaningful look at Dorothy, who was very perplexed.  "oh, um, excuse me.  yeah, weird people."  the lion man mumbled.

They continued down the muddy path.

Edited by Pentallion
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Actually, the Gloranthan small city of Halkomelem reminded me of the Halkomelem language spoken in Canada and USA.

Skimming through a grammar I found a sentence that recalled the Orlanthi and their alynxes:


ɬəpusct ʔiʔ ɬéy'x̌təs tθʼəsməyəθ
Our cat eats the deer

The suspicion that the natives of the Gloranthan Halkomelem were Orlanthi increased after reading this mention to Yelm:


səwʔtɬʼeʔəʃətəmʔs tθʼəsəmʔʃaθət ʔəwʔmis tɬʼpil
And the sun was invited to come down

But all the theories I was beginning to forge were ruined when I read this quote by the Bright Emperor:


stɬʼatɬʼəm əʔwʔənθes ʃstθʼetθʼək'ʷs tθʼəkʷeyəl
I should be the light of the world

So, the RW Halkomelem give contradictory hints about the origins of the Gloranthan Halkomelem.

Sorry to derail the thread.

Edited by Nel
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Glad people are enjoying it.  Now I've done gone and have to tell the whole tale!

So back at High Llama Pass, Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas find the Cut Throats and learn their friends Pippin and Merry were sold to a merchant.  "He said he could fetch a good price for shaved dwarves. in Sheshnela."

This pissed off Gimli. "And what did you get in return for our friends freedom you puny mortal!"

"Chill dude," the leader of the Cut Throats replied,"He gave us some of the good stuff from Erontree.  He handed Legolas some wrapped up herbs that were burning on one end.  Gimli expected the elf to recoil in horror or fear from the flame, but instead the elf gladly took the herbs, saying "No stems no seeds that we don't need, Aldryami Gold is" he took a long drag on the burning herbs and began coughing "bad ass weed!"

They passed away the hours - and the Aldryami Gold - and for a time forgot about their erstwhile friends.

"And then the Brithini said, I'd tap that!" Legolas was saying as everyone roared with laughter when Argrath noticed the dwarf wasn't enjoying the festive mood. 

"What troubles you?" the Orlanthi asked.

"My entire purpose is to protect those hairless dwarves and now I've lost them." Gimli replied.

Legolas gazed upon the dwarf with glassy bloodshot eyes.  "you know those weren't really dwarves don't you?  Those were just little humans the Brithini had tapped the crap out of."

The leader of the Cut Throats snorted, "what did they call themselves?  Hobbits?"

"THERE ARE NO HOBBITS IN GLORANTHA!" they all cried, laughing uproariously till tears came from their eyes.

Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam were nearly to the foothills when they decided to camp out.  Frodo lay awake that night, certain that whoever was following them would make an appearance.

Smeagol crept quietly into their camp.


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  • 2 months later...

So Smeagol, Frodo and Sam sat there with dazed looks on their faces. 

"I can't believe they elected Donald Trump.  I mean REALLY elected Donald Trump." Sam said in stunned disbelief.

"They did it Sam." replied Frodo in a daze,"they really did it."

"I can't believe you two dumb hobbitses are still sitting here in shock after three whole months and haven't moved this plot along!" snarled Smeagol.

"What did you call us?" Frodo was so surprised it broke him out of his torpor.

"Hobbitses.  Filthy, stinking hobbitses." Smeagol sneered.

"Here now," objected Sam," this is Glorantha and everyone says there are no -"

"Mean, nasty hobbitses,"  Smeagol continued.

Frodo looked at Sam.  Sam looked at Frodo.  Frodo looked longer at Sam.  Sam looked deep into Frodo's eyes.

"Naughty, bad hobbitses.  Dirty, dirty little hobbitses."  Smeagol noticed something happening to Frodo "Oh lookie there!  What's it got in its pocketses?"

"Alright!" Frodo snapped out of it and leapt to his feet "that's enough of that Smeagol.  Now lead us out of here.  It's time we got over Trump and moved on with our lives.  Now swear by my Talking Ring that you won't betray us."

"Talking ring?  Is it valuable?  Is it....preciousssss?"

"It's a cursed ring," Sam explained.  "If we get anywhere near Lord Death on a Horse I have to bite it off his finger." Sam frowns in distaste at the prospect.

"Ooohh, Tasty finger!  I'll bite it off.  Smeagol swears he'll be good to hobbitses if Master lets him bites off his finger, yes, precioussss ring."

"Then lead on Smeagol." Frodo commands and the party headed down the mountain side into the wide plains below.

Edited by Pentallion
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Meanwhile, the Tin dwarf, the scarecrow and the Basmoli were stunned but for entirely different reasons.  Dorothy had just come traipsing out of the City of Brass with her bucket of water.

The tin dwarf jumped up excitedly.  "You got it!  You got your water blessed!" he hesitated "You saw the Wizard?"

"Oh yes," Dorothy smiled sweetly, "we went behind the curtain together.  He showed me his blue -" she bent down and whispered into the dwarfs ear.

The Tin dwarf gasped."Oh my!  What happened then?" he asked in horror.

Dorothy pulled up her skirt far enough to expose a bit of thigh - and a broad bladed dagger.  "I wasn't born in Kansas you know.  I told him I didn't care how blue they were, I'd cut them right off if he didn't do as I said. He blessed the water.  He blessed the bucket never to spill.  He even blessed my cherry red shoes so if I tap them together and say -"

"There's no place like home?" the Basmoli interjected.

"What?  No!  Why would I say something silly like that?  Have you ever been to my tula?  It's a pit hole.  Why would I want to go back there?"Dorothy shook her head.  "I tap them together three times and say -"

"But aren't Vingans sworn to protect their tula?" the scarecrow asked.

"My but aren't you a brainless male!" Dorothy replied. "Are you saying a woman's place is in the tula?  You really want to go there with me after I just had to fight off the advances of a dirty old wizard just to get a blessing that any man could have gotten just for going on some silly little quest?"

"I, uh, no, I didn't mean," the jack o'bear mumbled.

"ugh, men.  I suppose you're all going to insist out of some lame masculine sense of duty that you will have to come along and protect the poor, weak female.   Well, seeing as some company would be nice on the journey, I'll let you come along, but don't get any ideas and remember, your chivalry is an affront to my womanhood so never EVER hold a door for me."

And with that, Dorothy stomped off in a huff, leaving the three companions to stare in amazement.

"What got into her?" the Basmoli asked.

"That wizard must have affected her more than she'd like to admit." the scarecrow mused.

"Bah!" said the Tin Dwarf,"All the women have gotten stirred up since those dumbasses elected Trump!"

Then the three of them took off after Dorothy.

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That night as Dorothy and her friends sat around the campfire.

"When I get my hands on that Lollypop Guild I'll...." Dorothy squeezed her hands as if strangling someone.

"It's all a big Khan."  said the Jack O'Bear scarecrow.

"A what?" asked the Basmoli.

"A Khan.  We have them in Prax all the time.  The head guy, he tricks all the other tribe members into going into Dragon Pass and stealing everyone's cows.  Naturally, a lot of the tribe gets killed, but this guy, he gets to be Khan.  And the guy who suckers his tribe into stealing the most cows, he's the Khan of Khans.  It's like a game.  A big Khan game."

"Ahhh," nods the Tin Dwarf in sudden understanding. "You mean like one of those Nidan pyramid schemes where whichever dwarf suckers the other dwarves into buying the most Amway products gets Diamond dwarf status and none of the other suckers make a dime. while doing all the work."

"Exactly," the Jack O'Bear. scarecrow nodded, "You got Khaned Dorothy."

"OH, I get it," says the Basmoli.  "Like how in all my heroquests I get my butt kicked by Waha or some other god.  Like, every heroquest is Basmol gets his butt kicked by this guy or Basmol gets his butt kicked by that guy.  Hey, let's even let Trickster make a fool out of Basmol."

"No, not like that at all."


The Jack O'Bear scarecrow leaned over to the Tin Dwarf "Say, I thought I was the one who was supposed to need a brain."

Suddenly, a fell beast charged into their camp and began licking Dorothy's face.  "Toto!  You got away!  You got away!"

The Tin Dwarf brandished his axe.  "I'll smite yon fell beast!"

"Oh you'll do no such thing!" Dorothy admonished him.  "This is my cat and allied spirit Toto.  Besides, aren't you a Tin dwarf?  You aren't supposed to smite anything.  You make cans."

"yer....cat?" the dwarf stood puzzled.  He swiftly tucked the can opener he'd been wielding into his back pocket.

"I'm pretty sure that's no cat." the Basmoli stated, "and I'm kind of an expert in that area."

The Jack O'Bear scarecrow -





The scarecrow (sheesh!) lays a gentle hand upon Dorothy's shoulder (you happy now?), "I visited a place called Balazar once and I'm pretty sure your little Toto is in fact, a dog."

"A dog!   Nonsense!  We Orlanthi hate dogs.  Why we even have a cat in our pantheon.  Yinkin.  You might have heard of him."  she scratches Toto's ears, which sets his tail wagging happily.  "you're not a dog are you my little Toto?  No, you're my little bitty kitty, yes you are.  My little bitty kitty."

The scarecrow threw his hands up as if to say "wtf?"

"wtf?" said the scarecrow. (tell me how to write my story!)

"Well, she seems happier now in any case." observed the dwarf. 

Then they all bedded down for the night.

Edited by Pentallion
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  • 2 weeks later...

The next night as they made camp, the Basmoli regaled them with tales of his homeland in Prax.

"So once a year the Paps High Priestess judges over the annual herd mother contest.  The herd mother that wins gets a blue ribbon tied around her neck.  Then they milk her and ferment the milk.  It's a very strong drink.  They call it Paps Blue Ribbon."

The tin dwarf nodded politely but in truth was barely paying attention.  The scarecrow was very interested however.  "So how do you know of this lion man?  The Praxians do not share their secrets with your kind. They hunt you down for stealing the tails of their herds."

"Well," the lion man preened, "I infiltrated their herd."

"You did what?"

"I came across a very rare spell that allowed me to change shape into a bison and I snuck into their herd."  The Basmoli was obviously quite pleased with himself.

"But I thought you said it was a contest for herd mothers?"

The Basmoli waved his hand vaguely and mumbled something unintelligible.  Suddenly, the scarecrows eyes lit up.  Toto barked and Dorothy exclaimed "Flaming pumpkin heads!" but the scarecrow paid them no mind and leaned close to the Basmoli.  "Say, isn't that a blue ribbon you're wearing around your neck?  You mean to tell me they -"

The Tin Dwarf jumped up."Dorothy!  Flying monkeys!"

Dorothy saw the winged ones approaching.  "Not monkeys, those are the Black Owl people.  They are in league with Ezdene."

"You'd think they'd at least wear something to cover up their bits.  Nasty little buggers!" the dwarf scowled.

The butt naked black owl people swooped down upon the small group.  They gave as good as they got, but in the end, the Black Owl people made off with Dorothy and Toto.

"Well, there goes her chance to join the Yelornans." the scarecrow muttered.

"We still have the bucket to kill Ezdene with." the tin dwarf looked at the others questioningly.


"Nope.  Too risky."

"Yeah, you're right.  Suicide mission.  Stupid munchkins were probably lying anyways."

And they called it a night.

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